Crying at work is not a good thing

So after I wrote about my attitude adjustment needed for this whole class thing at lunch I had the worst afternoon ever.

We had to do presentations after lunch of what our project is.  As I am watching these presentations I am getting more and more nervous.  First I didn't have my presentation on a company power point template, so I went and found the template and I put in my slides and stuff and edited them.  I had to copy all these flow charts and spreadsheets from the presentation I was working on and formatting got all messed up, so basically I was trying to get my presentation looking right the whole time other people were presenting.

Then it just seemed like everyone knew so much more about their projects and how to solve the issues than I did. Well of course they do. They have been with the company a lot longer than I have. They know the processes and the people involved. I don't. I have only been there 4 weeks. And there is no existing process for what I am trying to improve.

Also most of them seem to be a lot older than me. Not only am I the newbie, I am the youngin. Not a good combination.

So I wait to go last thinking I can go through it all really quickly and everyone will be ready to get out of there.

Well when I go up and plug my computer into the presenter and pull up the slide show, all of my slides are messed up. I don't know what the heck happened! I tried to close the presentation and reopen it but nothing worked right. The slides on the screen were not the pretty slides I had just put together. It looked like the template data I erased was still in the backgound and all my stuff was jumbled up on top of each slide and somehow there were only 6 slides when I had made 14!

So I had to use my old presentation. And since most of the slides I had edited in the new presentation, the old presentation wasn't even right. I wanted to die, but what else could I do?! Some of the slides I created weren't even in my old presentation. I looked like a dumb ass, but I still had to just go through it.

So not only did I feel like I didn't even know what I was talking about, it looked like I didn't even know what I was doing and had not done half of the work.

Also right before I got up to present, one of my co-workers pinged me about a new project that is due on Friday. I had gotten a email sent to me last Friday about it, but I didn't know who was supposed to be leading it or what my role in it was or anything and I am still confused about what they want me to do with it.

I am so overwhelmed. So yeah tears snuck out of my eyes after the presentation. I tried to hold them back for when I got in my car, but they wouldn't stay in and I am still crying now.

I hate feeling like I am not in control and like I don't know what I am doing. I am a smart girl, but I just don't understand where I am going wrong. It is just a lot to take in when I am in a new environment and a new role that never existed before with no existing processes or procedures to go off of. But at the same time I want to make it seem like I do. I want to be like I've got this and knock their socks off, but I just feel like I don't know what the expectations are or even where I am failing.

Rule #1 for working girls is DON'T CRY AT WORK and I've already failed at that. I hate being an overachiever and caring so much!

I feel like I am playing a game but I don't even know what the goal of the game is, who my teammates are, or what the rules are. I'm that kid standing in the middle of the field just trying to figure out what to do. And I feel like there has to be something wrong with me because I don't understand what is going on.

I hate feeling stupid and I hate it even more that it made me cry!