Monday, May 31, 2010

What I learned this weekend...

I saw SATC2 this weekend and despite the bad reviews I loved it!  It made me get so excited about my trip to Dubai and it makes me so much more thankful and appreciative of my life!  There was a scene in the movie where Carrie goes back to her old apartment to write for a few days.  When she walked in that door to HER space and set the keys down I thought "Oh yeah, I will miss that."  I realized that no matter how much I want to share my life with someone else I will miss my space and my me time.  For everything you add to your life- a husband, kids, etc.- that is more time taken away from you.  It will no longer be all about you.  You will have to compromise on everything.  I realized I need to enjoy this single girl time more because I will miss it.  I mean if I was married I wouldn't have been able to just up and decide to go on a 10 day mission trip half way across the world.  I would have had to take someone else's wants, needs, and opinions into consideration.  I need to enjoy this time where it is all about me.  It made me think of another great SATC quote:

"...the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.  And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

I also watched a couple other movies this weekend.  (I have approximately 4 channels on my TV and there was not a thing on any of them!)  Anyway, one of the movie I watched was Post Grad with the girl from The Gilmore Girls.  In it she has her whole life planned out, but when she graduates, the real world doesn't deliver what she was expecting.  It was an ok movie, not great.  But one thing I learned from the movie was that I built a pretty awesome life for myself.  I may not have had my life so planned out like she did.  I more flew by the seat of my pants, but I feel like I have made a great life for myself.  I have a great house.  I drive one of my dream cars.  I have what a lot of people would consider a dream job that I am loving so far.  I have been able to travel to a lot of awesome places and will soon be flying off half way across the world- a trip that I never thought I would raise enough money for, but I didn't let that stop me, and now it a few short weeks it will be actually happening.  I'm proud of where I am and lucky to have made it here!

I also watched a movie called The Stoning of Soraya M.  It is a powerful movie and you should go watch it.  During the movie I was just too shocked and mad that something like this could really happen.  But at the end when they reiterated that it was a true story and that still today women get stoned to death, it just made me start bawling and immediately praying and asking God how he could allow this to happen and to please help these women and the men who would do something like that.

I also got to go with my BFF and her 4 year old son to the Museum of Life and Science in Durham.  We spent 4 hours exploring this awesome place.  We rode a choo choo train, explored the butterfly house, saw farm animals, went on a dinosaur trail, saw some black bears, a wolf, lemurs, some owls, creepy crawly insects and more!  They had lots of cool exhibits where you could learn and play.  I had a great time!  I hardly ever get to spend time around kids so I was kind of afraid of how I would be able to handle a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds all day in Dubai.  But I feel a lot more confident now.  There is no reason to be afraid because for the most part they are really fun! It made me smile when Cohen wanted to sit beside me on the train and hold my hand as we walked through the park later in the day.  If I can win over one of them, I think I can do this!  I just hope half of them are as well behaved as he is.

I did a lot more this weekend- I feel like a whole week has passed by!  But there was one thing I did not do...I did not see the ex!  Come on, ya'll should know me by now!  I mean that whole situation was just so wrong on so many levels and it showed me he has not changed at all.  He has issues he needs to work out on his own.  Yes, it was a lot to take in- my ex hid the fact that he was getting married- or even dating someone!- from me and he is in complete denial about it and had the gall to tell me it was because he wasn't over me.  Whatever...after I had a few hours to process it, I just thought the whole thing was kind of ridiculous.  I saw a great quote that pretty much sums it all up-

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.  -Rick Warren

God has put me in a pretty good place right now and I need to enjoy it and not let anyone steal that happiness away and let go the people that would.

Overall it was a great weekend!  I hope yours was just as fabulous!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Why you should not be friends with an ex

I cannot fall asleep tonight until I get this out.  I just had a conversation that left me looking at the phone thinking WTF just happened?

I've mentioned the long-timer ex on here before.  We were together my senior year of high school, all through college, and even some after that.  All together about 7 years.  I don't even know why we were together that long.  Yes, we got along, but he walked all over me.  Back then I was a young naive girl who didn't know who I was, what I wanted out of life, and I was walking through life half asleep because of all the crap I had been through.  This guy was my comfort.  Plus I am a hanger on when it comes to relationships.  I think things are miraculously going to change and everything will just fall into place, so I'm sure that had something to do with it too.

Anyway, the only way the off and on finally ended was when I moved to Raleigh and we were no longer in the same town.  I had a fresh start and I had enough physical and emotional distance from him to start over.  But through the years, I would hear from him every once in a while.  After about a year I saw him again when I went home for Christmas, and then we would talk on the phone maybe like once every 3-6 months.  It was nothing really.  We would just check in to see how the other was doing.

He called ironically not too long after the end of my last relationship a little over a month ago.  I talked to him about it and he would call about once a week to check in on me.  I told him he should come visit me because I wanted to show him my life now- where I live, meet my dog, etc.  It was just talk though.  I know him.  He is one to say he will do something and never do it.  We had talked about it before and it has never happened.

He called tonight and I told him I was bored and lonely.  He asked what I was doing this weekend.  I told him I might go to Carowinds on Saturday.  He said if I didn't I should come see him in Greensboro because he was going there to visit friends.  Then I told him to come here.  Then he told me to come to Morgnaton.

I told him how I was sick of being single and how much this last break up had snuck up on me.  We joked around and he made me laugh at the situation.  Then I asked him what his girl situation was.  How many girls did he have going?  (I mean this is the guy who I thought was cheating on me the whole time...I figured he'd have more than one)

He proceeds to tell me there is a girl and that she and his mom are planning his wedding!  I was like WHAT?!?!  Are you getting married?  He couldn't even answer my question.  I was like did you propose?  He said he didn't know.  WHAT?!?  How can you not know if you proposed??  Anyway I try to drag all this information out of him and they have a date and a place picked out  and she has rings, but he says he hasn't given her an engagement ring and basically he is freaking out because he is not even sure if this is what he wants and he feels like people are planning his life without even consulting him.  And he hasn't told the girl any of this.  He was like "see why can I talk to you about this stuff and not her?"  I told him he needed to tell her.

I tried to tell him it is just a choice.  You make that choice and you do everything you can to build a life with that person and protect the relationship.  He was like "What if she isn't the right one?"  and then proceeds to tell me he is not over me.  WHAT?!?!

He had been dropping little hints earlier in the conversation like "We are so similar" and "I know you better than anyone ever will", but I did not see this coming.  He wants to come up here this weekend and that will solidify in his mind whether or not we are meant to be together.  Ummm...yeah.

Part of me wants to let him because I could use a distraction right now and I do want to show him my life now.  I also want to see him and get a hug.  I love a hug and he gave good ones.  And I want to talk to him about this situation with the girl.  This girl is the one he started dating at the end of our relationship.  They have been together a long time.  He says she is a good girl and he really likes her.  I want to tell him just make that choice.  Be with her then.  I want him to see that we aren't meant to be so he can let me go.

But it is so dangerous.  All that history and the affection I have for him as a person could make things cloudy.  And I am not that girl...he is supposedly engaged!  He should not be coming to spend the weekend with his ex-girlfriend.  If I had not asked about his love life and I had never known, then it would be different.  But I do know.  And I would not want my fiancĂ©e going to spend the weekend with his ex-girlfriend to figure out if he was really over her or not.  It's just not right.

I feel like I just got hit be a mack truck.  The guy I spent the longest portion of my life with is getting married AND he says he is not over me yet and wants to see if we should be together.  I am too weak and vulnerable for this challenge right now.  I am too lonely to be strong and make wise decisions.  Why oh why did I ever even answer the phone tonight?  Why oh why did I ever think being friends with an ex was a good thing?  I am never going to be able to sleep now.

What would you do?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Wishful Wednesday- Where is my husband?

If I could have one wish today it wouldn't be hard for me to decide.  There are a lot of things I want.  I want to win the $190 million Power Ball drawing tonight, but money is sometimes too over-rated.  I want to have my dream body, but we don't live in la-la land and I know that if I ever got lazy or ate bad I would lose it.  Besides I don't hate how I look and after almost 30 years of getting used to it, I am who I am.  I want to travel to some tropical island and lay on the beach and let the waves wash my worries away, but that only lasts for that moment and eventually I'd have to come back to the real world.

If I had one wish today, it would be to find my husband.  I know he is out there.  I know one day I will get married because I am just that kind of girl.  And I have faith that my husband is out there just wandering around life and waiting to bump in to me.  But for some reason we just can't seem to find each other!

So who is this mystery man?

I don't know what he looks like.  If I did it would probably be a lot easier to find him!  All I know is that I will be physically attracted to him and through my eyes he will be the most adorable/HOT (depending on the situation) thing ever!

He will have a job.  He may not love his job, but he will have ambition.  He will know that working hard is a part of life and he will at least have the desire to find something that he enjoys and work hard at it.

He will be honest.  He will tell me everything and live an honest, authentic life.

He will keep me cracking up.  I love to laugh and he will love making me smile and laugh.

He'll be goofy with me.  He'll play and be silly and love having random adventures with me.

He'll be a man.  He'll know when to take charge and be a leader.  He will stand up for what he believes in and he'll take care of his family and his home.

He'll be a deep thinker.  He will think about things like the meaning of life and have opinions and thoughts on current events.  And hopefully he'll like to read a book every once in a while.

He'll love my pets.  He will be as head over heels for Cam as I am.

He'll like music.  I don't care too much what kind, but he'll know the value of a good song.  I hope we'll be able to sing along together when a great song comes on the radio.  (and he won't mind my bad singing!)

He'll like to travel.  He will like to see new places and experience new things.  He'll like being on or near water (the ocean, a lake or river, etc.) as much as I do.  I mean I do have a dream of living on a lake one day!

He'll be sweet.  He will surprise me by doing sweet things for me.  He'll make my heart melt with the sweet things he says to me every once in a while- I mean he can't be mushy gushy all the time, but he will know how and when to be sweet.  Maybe he'll even write me love letters!

He'll give good hugs.

He'll be considerate.  He will be considerate of my feelings and what I want and need from him.  He'll be considerate of others and treat people with respect.

He'll know and love God.  Jesus is his savior.

He'll have a passion.  He'll have something that makes his eyes light up and something that he loves.

He will get along with my friends.  My friends are an important part of my life and he will recognize that and he will make an effort to get to know them and become a part of our group.

He'll never break my heart.  He may hurt me at times.  I mean it's almost impossible to never hurt or let down the people you love, but he will protect my heart.  He'll love me too much to ever do anything to break it.

So yeah, if you know this guy and he is still single and looking for me, let me know.  If not, keep your eyes out for him and let me know if you spot him because I am ready.  I'm ready to give him my heart.  I'm ready to love him and build my life with him.  I'm sick of dating and over being single.  I've had years to enjoy the single life and date around.  I'm tired of letting people in my life, becoming best friends with them and then having to say goodbye.  A few years ago, I would have never said this.  I would have been embarrassed to even admit that I want this.  I wasn't ready to commit.  I was still working on me.  And I still am, but now I am ready to commit to working on us.  I'm ready to find someone who isn't perfect, but love them for who they are and someone who will love me for me and understand that we will always be a work in progress.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Swimsuit Shopping

One of the things we are doing in Dubai is going to a water park.  Is this a sign God?  Seriously, I put on my list to not feel self-conscious at a water park and now you are pretty much forcing me to go to one?

There are 2 ways to go about not feeling self conscious at a water park:

1. Have a banging body and know it
2. Be ok with your body and not worry about what other people are thinking of you

Neither one of these are easy unless you are blessed with wonderful genetics.  I am working on getting my body back in shape, but it is not going to be where I want it to be by July.  Plus even if it was, there is that nasty little thing called cellulite.  Even skinny girls and celebrities have it.  And it is dang hard to hide it in a swimsuit.

The second option is just as hard because who doesn't care what people think.  Everyone does.  And if you say that you don't, well, good for you, but I am willing to bet just about everyone cares what people think of them at least some of the time.  And for girls being ok with your body is almost impossible.  We have body issues.  No matter what shape or size you are, every girl has probably at one point or another had issues with their body.  Maybe it is from the media...maybe it is from commercials and magazines and TVs and movies that feature skinny women 24/7 or maybe it is from a mean comment or embarrassment as a child.  Kids can be mean and if someone said something hurtful to you or embarrassed you as a child it is likely to stick with you for a long time.  I still remember a mean girl on the playground calling me chubby in 3rd grade.  And um, yeah I was 8 and not fat at all, but I still remember that comment and embarrassment.

Also a water park is different than laying out at the beach or pool.  At a beach or pool you are lounging around most of the time and when you do get up to go get in the water, you can quickly get from your chair to under the water without much notice from others.  But at a water park, you are constantly walking around and climbing stairs and not to mention the possible wardrobe malfunctions that can occur on the slides.

Now I am adding on top of that being in a different country- a conservative Muslim country.  The rules are we have to wear a one piece.  I have not worn a one piece since I was 14.  I don't even own one.  For some reason I feel like one piece suits accentuate my biggest physical flaw- my legs.  I am short.  5'1"- if that.  I have short stubby legs that I have hated since middle school.  When I wear a one piece I feel like all the attention is on my legs for some reason.  And I hate it.

So now I am one the hunt for a one piece swimsuit.  Here are some options I have come across:

I like this one because the color blocking seems to break up the fabric and divert the eye upward.
This one is borderline mom skirt style, but for some reason I like it.
It's a pattern and it's pink and it's cheap.

I like that it is solid black, but throws in some polka dots and I like the ties on the sides.

These next 3 I like because they look like Tankinis but they are actually one piece suits so they fit in the rules:
This one is the cheapest option.  Like by far!

I'm drawn to browns and paisley for some reason.
I think this one is my favorite, but it is more than I was wanting to spend.

Like I said we are going to be in a Muslim country and from what I heard, some women go dressed fully clothed.  I mean theses are the same women you see covered from head to toe in all black.  How they do that in 100+ degree weather I have no clue.  Apparently the Burkini is also very popular over there:
If someone will buy me one, I might just rock it over there.  But I don't know how I would not feel self-conscious dressed in this, but for totally different reasons!

So tell me, which suit do you like best?  Any suggestions on where to look for more one piece options?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Feelin' the Love makes me HAPPY!

A few days (weeks?) ago Celebrate the Malleable Reality over at That's not How You do it was kind enough to give me an award.  I am really bad with these awards.  I get so excited when someone recognizes me with one but then I get too busy and forget to ever blog about it.  But seriously they are like comments with super power.  Anyway I'm supposed to list 10 things that make me happy:

1. Comments/Emails/Mail/Awards from readers- seriously that is the best!  Being able to connect with people I have never met and get encouragement and feedback from them just blows my mind!

2. This guy cuddling in the bed with me:

3. Target- it's my happy place

4. My Bible study girls- at first I thought I would never fit in with my Bible study group.  I almost quit.  I felt out of place and like I didn't belong.  But I stuck it out and now they are some of my best friends.  They encourage me and tell me things I need to hear but don't want to hear sometimes.  We act goofy and crack each other up.  We are all so different, but it works.  They let me be myself and love me just the way I am.  

5. A clean house which unfortunately I don't have at the moment.  I suck at cleaning and I hate it so it is always the last thing to get done.  I need a freaking maid.

6. My new job- seriously 2 weeks in and I am still head over heels

7. Road trips with friends- I am long overdue!

8. Sunshine- whether it is driving around with the sunroof open or laying out on the beach or by the pool, a bright sunshiny day always lifts my mood

9. Strawberry Slushes from Sonic- when I was in college my roommate and I would skip class sometimes and get in her little miata, put the top down, and head to Sonic for a treat in the middle of the afternoon.  Even now stopping at Sonic to get a strawberry slush is such a treat!

10. Hearing from an old friend- there is just something about talking to someone who you haven't talked to in just warms my heart!

I haven't had a lot of time to spend in my reader.  I still try to read every post of the blogs I follow, but I think I have already featured a lot of them here with awards before and I don't want to duplicate and leave someone out.  If I follow your blog and haven't given you an award yet, leave me a comment with a link to your blog.  And if I don't follow your blog yet, leave me a comment so I can discover some new ones.  I know that is the lazy way out, but things have been kind of hectic here!  But I promise to put together a Link Love post soon so you can hopefully discover some great new blogs too!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Grey's Anatomy Season Finale- now that was intense!

If you did not see tonight's Grey's Anatomy season finale, you missed out.  I think that was the most intense 2 hours of TV I have ever watched!  I loved it!  There were so many great lines and it is like they saved up all their best writing for this one episode!

I loved...

When the chief's intern started babbling to the shooter all these personal details about herself to make him see she was a real person and think twice about shooting her.

When Meredith threw Christina out of the way to go to Derrick.

When Bailey had to give up on getting that guy out of the hospital and just put his head on her lap and started petting his head and telling him he was not alone.  If I were dying I would want someone to pet my head and tell me I wasn't alone.

When Meredith told that intern to stop crying.  That it had taken her a long time to find Derrick and a long time to figure out she wanted to be with him and now they are married and so on, so she did not get to cry over this...and I loved how the intern came back with the fact that her best friend had died that day.

When the shooter had the gun to Christina's head and she just could not stop operating.

When Teddy told whats his face that it was ok to choose and to go in there and get her.

When Meredith was getting ready to operate and the intern was like "were you shot?....but you're bleeding." and she just said "no i'm having a miscarriage" and just kept going.

When the old chief gave his monologue to the shooter about how he had lived...he had had heartache, he had suffered, he had had passion, he had dark days, he had had a great love and he had also had joy...he had really lived so he wasn't afraid to die.

The monologue at the end where they talk about how life is all about choices...but sometimes it is out of your hands.

It was such a great episode.  Great writing.  Great acting.  It was GREAT!  I seriously want a transcript of that show because most of those monologues were amazing!

And life really is all about choices.  The sad part is we don't live under the intense pressure that we could die at any minute or that our loved ones could die at any minute.  No one is holding a gun to our head.  So we get lazy about our choices.  Intense pressure like that can bring out how you really feel and the right choice becomes so much clearer.  I want to live like that.  Like today could be the last day.  Like this could be the last choice I ever get to make.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I think I'm falling in love!

I've nicknamed him Lenny.  And even though it has only been a week, every day has been wonderful.  It's still the early stages and I haven't yet seen any of Lenny's ugly sides, but I love what I have seen so far.  It's been the best first week I have ever had!

It's like Lenny knows me.  He knows that I have a problem running late and can never be on time anywhere, so he lets me show up whenever I want (within reason).  He knows that I am shy when I first meet people and has pushed me outside of my comfort zone this week to show me that everything is going to be ok.  People are nice. They aren't all judging me.  He has a lot of the same values as me.  He inspires me.  He is really smart.  He is so stylish.  He treats me like an adult and trusts me to do what I need to be doing.  I can already tell he is going to push me in a good way to be the best I can be.

Lenny is my new job!  Yes, it is just like falling in love with a person.  I had butterflies at our first meeting.  I felt lost and out of my element, but it only lasted a little while because my new job felt so much like coming home.  It felt so right.  I think I am falling in love with my new job!  I have actually missed going to work these last two days!

Seriously I had the best first week ever.  I wasn't even sure what I was getting myself in to.  It all happened so quick and seemed to fall out of the clear blue sky.  I got a call about the job on a Tuesday (I hadn't even applied to this job.  They had to read me the job description over the phone!).  I went in for the interview that Thursday and by Monday I had the job offer and on Tuesday (exactly one week later) I said YES!  If that isn't God and divine intervention, I don't know what is.

I started on Monday and I was so nervous that first day.  After checking in at security and getting my official company badge made, the people from the contracting company took me upstairs to meet my boss.  When I interviewed with my boss, I just had this feeling about her.  I knew I liked her.  I felt like we connected.  So much so that I told her about my blog and I would have never done that on a job interview before!  She is so down to earth but at the same time driven, smart, and loves a spreadsheet like I do.  It's like we are kindred spirits.  I've only known her a week, but so far she is just great!

She gave me my computer and had already put some files on my computer, sent me some emails, and wrote up a little "important info" sheet to get me started.  Then she just pretty much let me hit the ground running.  I spent the first week setting up all my stuff that will help me do my job.  I set up my computer, downloaded all the essentials and got set up on all the tools they use.  I attended several meetings.  They do like to have a lot of meetings.  My calendar is already packed!  I met with almost half of my team so they could explain their roles to me.

I started on the best week ever because this week was their North America and Latin America Kick-off week.  Lots of people who normally work remote were in the office so I got to meet them face-to-face.  On Wednesday we had a huge Kick-off meeting at the convention center in downtown Raleigh.  It was really inspiring and a good way to learn where the company has come from and where they want to go.  It was HUGE.  It was like a trade show just for Lenovo!  They served us lunch and most of the managers had to stay for the rest of the afternoon for meetings so my boss told me just to work from home for the rest of the afternoon!

Thursday night our team had a casino night.  They had food and beverages (every soda imaginable, great beer, and good wine).  They had door prizes and we played an ice breaker (we have a big team, so not everyone knows everyone else.)  The managers got up and kind of broke down for us how our team fit in to the company's overall goals and what our specific goals were.  They also announced some award winners.  They have quarterly and yearly awards for the team.  Five of the awards are named after people who inspired those awards and I already know the one I will be going after- The Albert Einstein Award (it is for creative, out-of-the-box thinking which is so ME!)

After that they had casino tables set up to play and had given us all chips to play with.  I couldn't stay though. It was after 8 pm and Cam had been home alone all day with one very quick potty break, plus I was reaching my limit for stepping outside of my shy shell.  I tell ya, it takes me a while when I first meet people.

I spent most of the end of the week going through their website and learning the product lines.  I didn't know much about Lenovo before I started this job.  I had heard of them, but I had never used one of their products.  I thought they just made boring business computers.  Boy was I wrong!  They have some of the best most cutting edge computers out there.  And it's not just for businesses.  They have a whole consumer line too.

I'm already lusting after some things.  I love the laptop I am using for work.  It boots up and shuts down faster than any other computer I have ever used.  It has a fingerprint reader so I just swipe my finger to unlock it and enter passwords while I am on it (much better and faster that typing all of that!).  And it is so light!  I carry it everywhere.  I take it to every meeting and I take it home ever night.  It is just like carrying a pad of paper and maybe even lighter than that.  And I haven't had to deal with this yet, but my best friend uses a Lenovo for work and says it is very durable.  She has dropped hers several times and says it is just fine!  If I dropped my Dell just once I would be afraid it would break.

This is the model I use and I highly recommend it:

They also have very cool laptops targeted more to the non-business side of life.  All with fun features and cool designs and packed with a lot of the power of their ThinkPads. 

But this is the thing I am really lusting after:

This bad boy not only looks good, but is everything I need for my bedroom!  It is like a HDTV, BlueRay Player, Gaming Console, and computer all in one!  The computer is built in to the screen part so there is no funky tower or anything to look at.  The screen is 21.5" so it is big enough to be a TV for a small room like my bedroom or office and has touch sensitive controls!  And I could blog in bed using this thing if I ever got tired of looking at my small laptop screen!  Yeah, I want one.

If you haven't heard of Lenovo before, I am willing to bet you will over the next few years.  They really do have great products and are on the cutting edge of technology.  And I'm not just saying that because I work there now and happen to be falling in love with my new job!

I know it is early, and I don't want to jump the gun yet, but this first week has been so good.  I have been so inspired and my brain has been running a million miles a minute with ideas.  It is really a place I could see myself being excited to go to everyday and I feel so blessed that this came in to my life!

Speaking of LOVE...check out my reviews of The Day I Shot Cupid and The Five Love Languages on my Bookshelf Blog!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Look How Far I've Come!

So now that I have taken a look back at where I was 10 years ago on the verge of turning 20, here are some things I have done over the last 10 years:

- Moved a total of 6 times- back when I was 19 I didn't even own any furniture.  Now I have a whole house full of stuff!

- Lived with a boyfriend for a very short period of time before I made him get a place of his own...we were too young to be playing house!

- Graduated college with a 3.3 GPA

- Worked for a total of 7 different companies in the following positions (some of these were for the same company):
Customer Service Rep.
Telephone Sales Rep.
Quality Assurance Monitor
Marketing Analyst/Advertising Coordinator
Marketing Coordinator and Store Support
Marketing Programs Supervisor
Product Marketing Manager
Marketing Coordinator
and now Promotional Content Writer!

-Gained and Lost a lot of weight over the years

-Had many different haircuts - but now I know what I like!

-Bought a house!

-Kissed a lot of frogs but haven't found my prince yet

-Kept in touch with lots of friends, but also lost some along the way

-Got Baptized

-Taken several awesome vacations to places like St. Thomas, Belize, Honduras, Grand Cayman, and many many more!

-Been to a TON of weddings and in a total of 6- Maid of Honor twice! and by the way...I have never worn one single bridesmaid dress after the stop telling me I can wear it again.

-Leased a new convertible- I will never lease a car again, but it was a fun car to have for a few years

-Bought one of my dream cars

-Sold my car I'd had since high school

- Had many different roommates and learned a lot from each of them

- Had a lot of hangovers

- Had a lot of nights I will never forget!

I found something in an old journal I wrote when I graduated college...

Things I have learned in college:
1. People are really all about themselves

2. Everybody has something from their past or something inside them or something about them that makes them just a little bit messed up (or a lot messed up)

3.You have to be happy and comfortable with your home or else your whole life will be miserable

4. DO NOT put liquid dish washing detergent in the dishwasher

5. The human body can still function on very little sleep, it's just a matter of getting out of bed.

6. Everyone should live with no TV for at least a week so they can see just how productive they really can be

7. When you form a relationship with someone, any kind of relationship- friendship, lover, roommate, etc., you will have to deal with all their shit.  So before you make a commitment to the relationship, make sure their shit isn't unbearable.

8. Don't build your life around someone else.

I think I had learned a lot over those 4.5 years and I know I have learned a lot since then.  It is just amazing to look back sometimes to remind yourself just how far you've really come.

What are some good life lessons you have learned over the years?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

When I was 19...

When I was 19 I lived here...

with 20 some other girls.  I had the position of House Manager so I had to make the laundry schedule, assign rooms, get the menu requests and work with the house mother to plan the meals and deal with any little things that came up around the house.  Living with 20 some girls in a house is interesting to say the least.  There was always something going on and always lots of drama!

When I was 19 Hurricane Floyd hit NC and flooded Greenville really badly.  They shut down school for 2 weeks.  Some people had their whole apartments flooded and all their belongings ruined.  Luckily I had went with one of my best friends to Raleigh.  We were the best of friends then and still are today!  This was us back then:

Since we were out of school for 2 weeks we went with another friend up to New York.  She lived on Long Island, but we got to go into the city.  I got a tattoo that day.  It is the Japanese symbol for happiness on my lower back.  Yes, I have a tramp stamp dang it.  It was a spur of the moment thing but we were young and in NYC and it seemed like a good idea at the time.  I also got to see the long-timer boyfriend while I was up there.  He was living with his sister in New York at the time.

We eventually returned to school.  Since my boyfriend was out-of-state at the time, I had to get a good friend of my roommate to get his roommate to be my date for sorority functions.  Here we are at semi-formal that year:

I am still very good friends with this guy.  His old roommate is my best friend's husband now and the guy in the pic ended up marrying one of the most awesome girls ever and she is one of my besties now too!  We are all are very tight knit group...LOVE YA CREW!  It is just funny to look back on this year because it was the year all those friendships and connections started!

It was a very fun time.  I got to experience the sorority from a different perspective that year.  I was living in the house so we always had to go to everything from socials to intramural games.  I got to experience the sorority side of recruitment (Rush).  I got to get my little sister and do the Big Sis Hunt for her.  It was a lot of fun and I was still silly back then, as were my roommates.  Here we are being goofy one night at the house:

That year I was elected Treasurer of my sorority.  I was still very organized even back then.  This was me one day trying to get all the financial files in order:

That was also the year my dad died of pancreatic cancer.  He had just found out about the cancer the year before I think.  It was like overnight he got sick.  Every time I would go home he would be more and more skinny.  That year at Thanksgiving he was in the hospital.  I hated being there.  He did not look like himself at all.  It was not the dad I knew and I hated seeing him like that.  It was almost a relief to have to go back to school.  A few weeks later I got a call early one morning and my mom told me he was gone.  I think I just said ok and went back to bed.  I didn't cry much.  I was so numb to death because of all I had went through 2 years ago and he had just been so sick...I hated even seeing him like that.  I had to go home early for Christmas break so I could go to the funeral and everything.  I was sad but also so numb.  I get more sad about it now because I wish he could see me all grown up.  I wish I could talk to him about my career.  I wish I could hear him say he was proud of me.  I wish he was here to walk me down the aisle one day.

That is about all I remember from that year.  I'm sure there was drama with the long-timer boyfriend...there always was and back then it seemed like the end of the world every time something would go wrong in our relationship, but now I can't even remember any of it.

I tried to find my journal from back then because I know my thought process was different than it is now.  I would have liked to read what my daily thoughts were like then, but I seem to have lost it.  Maybe it is for the best.  I think your brain only allows you to remember the really important stuff anyway.

When I was 19...

I lived in a sorority house.

I went to NYC and got a tattoo.

I was elected treasurer of my sorority.

And my dad died of pancreatic cancer.

I can't remember if I went home that summer or if I stayed in Greenville to go to summer school.  Either way, the next year would be the first time I got my very own place!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

When I was 18...

I look so young! It is hard to remember back then, but here it goes...

The summer before I turned 18 was my last summer before leaving for college. I soaked up every moment with my friends. We all went to senior week at Myrtle Beach together after graduation where I got my eyebrow pierced. (I was trying to be different, but some other girls decided to get one too, so I didn't end up being that different, but I still kind of liked it!) That week is still to this day one of the most fun weeks I have ever had. I met a really hot Canadian there and swam in the ocean with him as the sun came up. I never saw him again though but I still have pictures:

Even all the sadness and pain I went through with Josh dying couldn't kill the boy craziness of my 17 year old self. I had crushes on lots of boys, but some even told me they wouldn't consider dating me because I was Josh's girl. Then I met the long timer. He didn't know I had been Josh's girlfriend and flirted shamelessly with me in pottery class during my last semester. He was the star football player and kind of a bad boy, so yeah he hooked me. He was funny and he was a good friend, but a TERRIBLE boyfriend. I think he was cheating on me the whole 6 or so years we were together, but he was good at hiding it and always had an excuse. And because I was so young and stupid I believed all his excuses and explanations. But I don't think I could've made it through those years without him. He was probably the only one that knew just how messed up I was from Josh's death because I hid it really well once I left for college.

I chose ECU because it was the school furthest away from my hometown without leaving the state. I went down early for sorority rush, so yes, I was 17 when I went to college! Sounds cool now but not so cool when you can't even get into the club and all your friends can!

I joined a sorority. I didn't get my first choice and I was so upset about it, but now I am so thankful! My sorority is where I met most of my lifelong friends that I have today!

I roomed with one of my good friends from high school. We had one of the best dorm locations ever, but it was the most boring dorm ever. It was all upperclassmen and all girls and so quiet. I would have almost given up the air conditioning and rock star location to live in one of the party dorms...nevermind, the air conditioning was totally worth it. When I think of what hell might feel like, I think of Greenville. It was that bad. I don't know how those people without AC made it!

I made the mistake of taking an 8 am class my first semester which I failed because I never went. (I ended up grade replacing it with an A the next semester and I NEVER took an 8 am class again.) We lived in a tiny door room and ate in the dining halls.

I went to parties and themed socials with my sorority. Here is me ready to go to one of our Gangsta socials (notice my tiny dorm room in the background):

I took at statistics class my second semester that I ROCKED while everyone else struggled with it. This made me switch my major from physical therapy to business.

I went home all the time because my boyfriend was back at home.

I went up to UNC for Halloween which is crazy because ECU is known for their Halloween celebrations (I only went downtown once on Halloween and all the drunk crazy people scared me so much I avoided it from then on so it was probably for the best!)

I remember it was hard that first year. Not so much the classes, but I got homesick and felt lonely a lot. It was a big school and I felt so small.

The dorm room got way too small though! By the end of the semester, I think my roommate and I were both glad to get out of there and away from each other. I still love her, but it was hard adjusting to being around someone 24/7 in a tiny room with no where to go.

I really can not remember much else. I always say it was because I was kind of in a haze and had shut down so much of myself for those years after Josh died. I just kind of went through the motions.

That summer I came home and got my one and only waitressing job at a resturant called Blueberry Grill- it was a 50's theme. I hated waitressing, but at least this one lasted more than a month unlike my first job! The summer before my senior year of high school I worked as a cashier at a grocery store. But I kept ringing apples up as cherries and squash as eggplant and just decided one day that it would be much more fun to go to the lake with my friends rather than go in to work, so I had a friend call and quit for me. Dang produce section! I would've been a great cashier if only I didn't have to slow down to look up those stupid numbers! I was pretty good at waitressing for as much as I hated it. I think it is my sweetness and southern accent, because it sure wasn't my tray carrying skills. I learned to stack 3 plates on one arm just to avoid that dang thing. But at least I made enough money that summer to buy myself a desperately needed new laptop.

When I was 18...
I had an eyebrow ring

I lived in a dorm

I failed Biology

I joined a sorority

I spent a lot of Friday and Sundays on the road

I got some parking tickets

I saw my first ever lavaliere ceremony- this is where a frat boy gives a girl his letters on a necklace and then his brothers get him wasted and throw all this nasty stuff on him and scream at him (this is more evidence of how stupid boys can be)

I gained the freshman 15 (and maybe more!)

But I made it through and even came back for more the next year!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Love Story

Since I am starting a new chapter of my life with this new job tomorrow and since my ex is now dating a 19 year old, I've been thinking a lot about the past. It started with thoughts like "what was I like when I was 19" and I seriously could not remember. All I could remember was that all my emotions back then seem so heightened. Everything felt like the end of the world if it didn't work out. But that could be because I had just experienced my life changing moment 2 years before that.

My life changing moment was when Josh was killed in a car accident. It is still the one thing I will never forget. So far he was the love of my life. I had butterflies from the moment I met him. It was a week before prom. I had just scored my first goal on the varsity soccer team that week. We were all over at a friends house. Some of my friends had told me about Josh before that night and they thought he would be perfect for me so I think they arranged for him to be there.

I remember the first time I saw him. We were at a friend's house that was out in the country so whoever he had rode with had a hard time finding it. My friend Jill offered to go meet them at the gas station up the road so they could follow us back. I jumped at the chance to ride with her so I could scope him out before I had to actually talk to him. I remember seeing him standing beside the car waiting on us and I thought he was sooooo cute! The whole way back to the house I was so giddy and wondering if he would like me too.

I remember he congratulated me on my first goal on Varsity. He played soccer too...but he was MUCH better at it. He made Varsity as a freshman and later that year he would be unanimously voted to be the Varsity Captain as a junior. I was smitten.

Like I said it was a week before prom and I already had agreed to go with a friend who asked me. That friend was also there that night. But now I wanted to go with Josh. I HAD to go with Josh. So I got Jill to go ask the friend if he would mind terribly if I asked Josh to go with me instead. To this day it is one of the most selfish, meanest things I have ever done, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world. The friend could see how much I liked Josh and agreed. So a week later Josh and I went to prom together.

A month later we were in love. I have saved every card and love letter he ever sent me and I still have the ones I sent him (his mom gave them to me after he died. He had saved every one too.) I still re-read this poem he wrote for me when I feel Un-lovely or un-loveable. He gave this to me before school was even out, so less than a month in to our relationship:

I can't describe my feelings well
But I must share some of them.

You have filled my mind full of luscious thoughts;
You are like no other.

You sting like a bee,
but your poison mesmerizes me like the arrow of Cupid.

You are like a lingering kiss
that is as sweet as Strawberry Wine.

Your appearance is more glorious than beauty itself,
but I have a feeling you have a secret garden inside that is unthinkable.

You are my knock out punch

You are the ticket into my heart

You have everything I will ever need or want.

You are my Juliet.


From there it was many more love notes and cards between the two of us. We spent as much time as possible together that summer. He went on a 2 week trip out west and I thought I was going to die. He sent me 2 postcards while he was gone that I still have. I got him a little gift each day he was gone and gave them to him when he got back. He brought me back lots of gifts too and a dream of starting a sheep farm together when we were old and married.

Right before school started that year Josh's best friend's girlfriend was killed in a car accident. It was a shock to all of us. We had been on double dates together and Josh's friend was one of my closest guy friends. We both didn't know what to say to him. We were all so in shock. I remember seeing him crying outside in the parking lot at the wake and Josh went and gave him a hug. I had never seen someone that sad.

After the funeral Josh and I talked about what we would do if one of us died. I told him I couldn't live without him. I would probably have to kill myself. He said "No, don't do that." I said "well, what would you do?" He said he would build a monument in my honor. He would get my soccer number tattooed on himself and he would never ever forget me for as long as he lived. Never ever in a million years did I think this conversation would haunt me for the rest of my life.

October 31st was a Friday. We had an away game that night and as a cheerleader I had to go to that. Josh had sent me a "secret admirer" Halloween treat bag to my last class. We were walking out to our cars together. As we were walking I was holding on to his arm and putting a spider ring I found in the treat bag on his finger. We were laughing and joking and sharing the candy together.

I had a few hours before the bus left for the game and I was begging Josh to come over to hang out with me before I had to go. Josh was stressed. He was taking all the honors level classes and it was soccer season. His mom had also just had a cancer scare and she also had a crazy stalker ex-boyfriend situation going on. He told me he had to get home. I asked what he was going to do that night for Halloween and he said he might go out with his friends. I was so hurt that he could hang out with his friends later but couldn't hang out with me then. He said he was sorry and that he would call me later. I looked at him and said "You'll call me?!?" and gave my best angry/pouty face and got in my car and left. I hate that I left in anger and didn't resolve the situation better before driving away because that would be that last time I ever saw him.

He got in a head on collision with a transfer truck on his way home. I didn't find out about it until hours later after the game. Another cheerleader who I wasn't really friends with came up to me and said "Do you remember those ambulances we heard when we first got to the game?" I said yes. She said "Well, that was Josh. He got in a wreck and died." I said "Josh who?" I never in a million years thought it was my Josh. The syllables of his last name seemed to come out of her mouth in slow motion and suddenly it felt like the ground had been ripped from underneath me. I dropped my bag and pom poms and anything else I was holding and just melted to the ground screaming and sobbing.

It was the longest bus ride I had ever had in my life to get back to the school. I was crying but I just kept thinking there had to be a mistake. If only I could get to him!

When we got to school my parents were waiting on me. I barely said hello to them and rushed to where people were getting off the band bus. I found one of his friends and asked him if he had heard. He said he hadn't and that it had to be some kind of mistake.

But when I got back to my parents they told me Josh's mom had called and wanted me to call her. They told me it was true. I still didn't believe them. But when I called his mom, she told me "He's gone". She told me the boys would come pick me up if I wanted and they were all at her house.

They came and got me but when I got there, I saw his truck. He had driven his dad's truck to school that day and I knew that, but seeing his truck in the driveway, I thought he's here. Everything has to be okay.

But it wasn't. He was gone.

That night I asked his mom if I could sit in his truck for a few minutes. I sat in my seat on the passenger side and laid my head on the seat of the drivers side. Often I would do this when riding with Josh on our way home. He would run his hand along my head and it was the most safe, secure feeling in the world. (Even though it total wasn't...imagine if we would have gotten in a wreck together like that!?) I laid there and all my safety and security was gone. I cried my eyes out until someone finally came and got me.

I cried for days, weeks, months, years...It was the deepest sadness I have ever felt in my life. I was suicidal. I stopped wearing my seat belt and drove recklessly. I envisioned getting a gun and going to his grave and just ending all right there.

Since this was the second death in my group of friends in less than 3 months, I thought someone was bound to be next and I wanted it to be me.

But it wasn't. It was Josh's mom.

After the funeral she seemed fine for the first few weeks. I would go over to see her and go through his things. But one day, she wasn't ok. She was in bed and I remember standing in her room and she asked me how I could go on without him. Inside I wanted to scream "I can't! Everyday I just wish it would be over!" but I knew she was asking for herself not for me. I told her "You just have to. Just keep going. You still have 2 other kids that are depending on you. Think about them!" Eventually she started drinking and less than a month after Josh's death I was at cheerleading practice one afternoon when a friend came and pulled me out. She told me Josh's mom had been in a car wreck and died just a few hours ago. She had been drinking and driving.

For some reason this didn't shock me. I told you I expected someone to be next and I think part of me was jealous that it wasn't me.

It was very eerie though. She died on the same road as him around the same time of day as him. There was even a newspaper article written about the similarities.

I remember going to her friends house to grieve and find out what happened. I told her all of the things I wanted to tell Josh's mom about him but never got the chance to. I remember Josh's little brother looking at me almost as if he was tired and saying "How come everyone you get close to dies?"

Those words haunted me for years too. I now thought it was me. I was just expecting everyone I ever got close to was going to die.

When I was 17, Halloween night changed my life.

But I kept going.

Over the next week I'll share with you how the next 2 years panned out as I take a look back at who I was 10 years ago approaching entering a new decade of my life. For some reason entering a new decade is such a milestone and I always think it is good to take a look back so you can see how far you've come!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Random Thoughts

- Getting over the end of a relationship is hard...I forgot how hard it can be. But everyday gets better. I still have moments where it bothers me, but at least it isn't whole days. I am actually happy most of the time and staying busy. I have never been so thankful for never neglecting my friendships, because I could not have made it through this on my own. You know how you can get sucked in to a relationship and totally stop hanging out with your friends? Well, I made a decision years ago to never do that because I've seen what it can be like if you come out of a relationship to no friends because you have ignored them or been too busy for them while you were all in "love" with the boy. Girls- don't do this. I PROMISE you will need your friends. Foster those relationships so that they will be there to pick you up, make you laugh, take you out, and accept you for who you are when you fall down. I seriously have the most AWESOME friends EVER!

- I am getting more serious about this weight loss stuff. I have been going to the gym on Tuesday and Thursday mornings with my friend for weeks, but now I am running my neighborhood or the lake at night too. This heartbreak probably helped because I was physically ill from all the stress. I could barely eat for the last 2 weeks and when I did it just made me sick. I weighed myself today for the first time in a long time and it wasn't as bad as I thought. I thought it was going to be impossible, but it isn't. It is going to take more than 3 months though. So I am amending the list to accomplish it before the end of that year of being 30. It will probably take me at least that long to accept being in my 30s, so I think it is kind of a good thing. I am using the "Lose it" app on the iphone to track my calories and exercise. With reasonable expectations (you know I'm not going to be losing 2 lbs a week every week...I know my body better than that by now!) it says I should meet my goal right before Valentine's Day next year. Wouldn't that be a great day to celebrate loving myself and being able to see the results!?

- I read this on Gigi's Gone Shopping today and it is worth re-posting:

Always have in your closet:
1. Something you can wear to an interview or court (or any situation where you'll need to project authority), that you feel confident in.
2. Something you can wear to a funeral that allows you to not think about your clothing.
3. Something you can wear to a wedding/party/special occasion that you feel beautiful in.
Get these things in advance. Its always better to 'have and not need' than to 'need and not have'.

I don't have any of these. I get by with the interview stuff I have, but honestly it doesn't make me feel powerful or authoritative. I have nothing to wear to a funeral. None of my dresses make me feel beautiful right now. So yeah, I might need to go on a hunt for these items. I also need to go on a hunt for some new bras. I haven't bought any in a while and the ones I have are not comfortable. Anyone know of a good bra fitter? I don't think the girls at Victoria Secret are spot on because they have given me a different size every time I've ever had them do it.

-Tomorrow is my last day at my current job! I am sad, but so excited to start this new chapter. Plus it isn't like I will be gone forever, because I know they still need me to help out with special projects and stuff when I have time for now!

Happy Tuesday Everyone!!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Opening My Heart and Figuring Out What Love is

One of the things on my list was to open my heart to someone and I can honestly say I have and it wasn't pretty.

Last Sunday I was a pathetic mess. I had texted witty guy late the night before and asked him how he could do this to me. We started a text conversation early Sunday morning but I finally just called him.

I was seriously a mess. I cried. I begged. I showed him every scared, insecure piece of me that I had kept hidden deep in my heart. I told him how much he meant to me. It was like a 3 hour pathetic miserable conversation and in the end it wasn't enough. He wanted to see where it was going to go with this teenage waitress. (I already know what that is all about. I'm sure she is just inflating his ego. She probably thinks he is the bees knees. You know how teenagers are. And that constant ego stroking is a very strong drug. So I get it.)

Anyway, I showed him my heart. He kept saying he never knew how strongly I felt about him and I can see that. I keep my heart and feelings on lock down. Relationship pain can be the worst kind. I had my heart broken before so I try to keep myself at a distance until I feel safe. Until I feel loved.

And I never felt that way with him. I didn't feel like he accepted and loved me. So I kept him at a distance, tried to hide my feelings, but they were there- just waiting until I felt like he wouldn't hurt me and we could really love each other.

But that didn't happen. In the end I got hurt, despite trying to keep my heart secure. When I finally did open my heart to him it was too little, too late.

Over the last week I kept thinking about if I should do it differently the next time. If I should just open my heart from the begining despite how the other person makes me feel. At first I thought I totally would. I would be mushy and gushy and make them feel so loved despite how they make me feel. But now I don't know. I think I should feel loved, accepted, and secure in a relationship before I open my heart.

Love isn't an emotion, it is an action. It is the act of loving that will make me feel confident in a relationship. I know I want a lot out of someone, but I am willing to give the same as what I am asking for, so it can't be too much.

So what is love? What is it going to take for me to feel loved? Well, I truly believe the Bible has a road map and is an instruction book for making it through this life. The whole Gospel story to me is the ultimate example of love and teaches me so much about how I should love and how much I am loved. But also Corinthians 13 is the ultimate passage on love:

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

The first couple verses make the argument that if you do all these good things, but don't do them out of love than they mean nothing. In relationships it is easy to do things selfishly. You may get him an extravagant birthday gift, not because how much you love him but to prove how awesome of a girlfriend YOU are. You make use of physical love hoping to make him love YOU more or just because it feels good to YOU, not to show him your love for him. So I am always going to ask myself why am I doing this nice thing? Am I doing it out of love for him or to get something for myself?

You've probably heard that next passage before if you have ever been to a wedding, but what does that look like in real life?

Love is patient- Are you patient with him? Is he patient with you?

Love is kind- Are you kind to each other? Do you treat each other respectfully?

Love does not envy- Are you envious of your partner? Do you feel like you are constantly in a competition with him?

Love does not boast- Are you boastful and constantly pointing out how you are better than your partner?

Love is not proud- Do you humble yourself before your partner? Does he humble himself before you?

Love is not rude- Are you rude to your partner? Are they rude to you?

Love is not self-seeking- Are you only seeking your own interests in the relationship? Does your partner do things that may not benefit him, but benefit you?

Love is not easily angered- Are you constantly angry at him? Do you feel like he is always angry with you?

Love does not keep a record of wrongs- Do you forgive each other or are you always bringing up "that time you did this..."

Love does not rejoice in evil but rejoices in the truth- Are you honest with your partner? Do you hide things from him? Do you feel like he is hiding things from you?

Love always protects- I love feeling protected. Maybe it is a girl thing. But do I protect him? Do I protect him from not just physical harm but emotional pain- not by hiding things from him, but by having nothing to hide?

Love always trusts- Do I trust him? Do I act in a way that makes it easy for him to trust me?

Love always hopes- Am I always hoping for the best in this relationship or always expecting the worst?

Love always perseveres- Do I always persevere in this relationship? Am I constantly pursuing him and him me?

This seems certainly impossible to do all the time in a relationship right? Well the next paragraph in the passage addresses that. When he talks about putting childish ways behind him, I think he means he doesn't act in that way that is natural to us. Children are great, but you must admit their world revolves around them. When you put away childish ways you realize it is about more than you. It won't be easy. You have to think about more than just yourself. And I don't think in this world we will ever perfect loving each other constantly. People will get on our nerves. We will get tired. We will be selfish sometimes. They will be selfish sometimes.

But there will come a time when Love is perfect. That is what Jesus is to me. Love. He is the perfect example of love and when we come face to face with that we will know love like we have never known before. Just imagine it. We know how great it can be here when we get little glimpses of perfect love. Imagine what it will be like when all the imperfection disappears and we fully see and experience LOVE!

I know I didn't love witty guy and I know he didn't love me. We may have had the feelings and the attachment to each other, but we did not actively love each other each and every day. Both of us are to blame for the failure of the relationship. And it hurts. But I just hope one day I will find myself in a relationship where we do try to actively love each other every day. A relationship where I don't have to keep my heart locked up for fear of getting hurt. I know it won't be perfect, but I want that relationship where we never give up. We love each other and show it and act it out (or at least try to) every. single. day.