Life doesn't always go as planned...

Wow!  It has been exactly 11 months since I last posted on here.  I almost forgot how to even create a post!

Well since we last spoke I have had a lot going on.  Around this time last year I started a new position at work.  This has been the most challenging position I have ever been in.  There is a ton of pressure and visibility and so much work to do I still feel like I am drowning on a daily basis.  I am still at Lenovo but now I am in charge of the ThinkPad sales on lenovo.com for North America.  All of them.  It's a lot of pressure.  And work.  But I'm still alive a year into it.

But I miss blogging.  I miss documenting my life here.  I miss having posts to look back on to see what was going on in my head during a particular time and to help me remember when certain things happened.  (getting old is no joke y'all!)

I started this blog originally to keep track of my adventures marking off the things on my 30 Before 30 List.  Last week I turned 34 and I STILL have 3 things left on my list:  Get in the best shape of my life, catch a fish, and kiss in the rain.  I still want to do those things and other things I would have thought I'd done by now like get married and have babies (seriously I feel way behind where society says I should be right now!)

One thing I have learned in life is that God doesn't always take you where you planned to go.  And that is the beauty of it.  Proverbs 16:9 says "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps."  I have loved where the Lord has led me.  He's allowed me not only to do a lot of the things I had planned to do but also go above and beyond on some of the things on my list:

I'm not only paying all my bills with no help from my mom, I'm also giving away more than 10% of my income now!

I didn't just run a 5K once, I've ran a bunch of 5Ks and even a half marathon!

I've not only made a baby laugh and changed a diaper, I've led preschool classes (and volunteered in the nursery) for over a year at church.  I took a small break from it while I started my small group, but I'm officially starting back with the preschool class tomorrow!

Not only did I go on my first mission trip and first trip abroad in 2010, but in 2 months I will be going on my second mission trip to Africa!

Not only did I upgrade one room in my house, but I finally got my whole house almost exactly the way I want it- new light fixtures, paint, appliances, hardwoods, the works!

Not only did I visit Washington DC, but I also went to San Diego, Chicago, Iowa and Austin, TX.  Hopefully I will be able to say I've been to all 50 states before I die! (27 and counting!)

Not only did I read the Bible all the way through, after spending 4 years in a fabulous bible study group I now lead my own bible study group with 13 fabulous ladies!

Not only did I go to see a movie alone, I traveled by plane to a city I've never been to before and stayed there and explored for a whole week all by myself!

I can't wait to see where God takes me next! I pray that He will help/allow me to complete the last 3 things on my list (and get married and have babies) but that is not my main goal in life.  I no longer live for myself, but for Him.  I am glad that I have learned to trust His timing and follow where He leads me.

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

I am going to try to document my life on here again and also look forward to trying to read some blogs again because I miss this so much.  I know I won't have time to devote to it like I used to, but I do hope to resurrect this little space of mine!  It's good to be back!

I'm still alive- Updates and a Fall Bucket List!

Wow!  It has been over 2 months since I have posted on here!  I just wanted to let you all know I am still alive.  I have been so super busy at work.  Over the summer they changed my role not once but twice!  It has been super stressful.  And when your work life gets out of control, your whole life seems to fall apart (since work is such a huge chunk of that!)

I don't have time to give a detailed update.  I wish I had time to write full posts about each of these items, but since I don't here is a summary of what's been going on lately:

- It's ironic my last post was about how this was the best season of Big Brother, because it has actually turned out to be the worst.  I ended up hating most of the people in the house and really don't think any of the final three deserve to win.  My summer without cable TV is over, but I think after this season of Homeland is over I may cancel my Dish account and strictly do online streaming and Netflix.

- I got a promotion at work.  But I'm not really over the moon about it right now.  It is challenging.  And there has been lots of other drama at work.  I really hope things get better.  I miss the days when I used to be excited to go to work and could say I love my job, because that is definitely not the case right now.  But I am thankful to still be there and hopeful that things will turn around soon.

- In August my cat had a medical emergency.  His urinary tract became completely blocked and I had to take him to the emergency vet.  He was in the hospital for 3-4 days and when he came home he was a hot mess.  I had to confine him to my spare bathroom because he was peeing everywhere.  So far it has cost me about $2500!  They wanted to do surgery because he had some crystals adhered to his bladder, but the vet has him on some special food to try to dissolve them.  I'm really hoping it works because the surgery would be another $1400!

- One of the girls from my small group moved to Iowa earlier this year and she is getting married at the end of this month and I am going to the wedding on her fiance's farm in Iowa!  I've never been there and am excited to go.  We are flying up early and spending a few days in Chicago and then driving down to Iowa.  I haven't been to Chicago since I was a kid, so I am excited about that too!  If you have any Chicago or Iowa must sees let me know!

- Speaking of small groups, I am starting one this week!  Ahhhh I am so nervous!  My small group had been together over 4 years and I love those girls.  They will always be in my life even though we aren't in small group together. So excited to see what God will do through this new group and what girls he will bring into my life through it!

- This weekend was pretty awesome.  I ran in the Electric Run on Friday.  It was the most fun run I have ever done.  Way better than the color runs with an awesome party at the end!  I will definitely do it again if it comes back to Raleigh!  We also had Church at the Ballpark on Sunday.  There were over 11,500 people in attendance and 530 of them got baptized!  God is so good!

- I'm so excited for fall!  This summer has not been the best so I'm kind of glad to see it go.  I only got to do a few things on my summer bucket list:

I love fall!  So let's try this again with a Fall Bucket list:

Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers

I started this series back in December and even though it took me a long time to finish, it is one of the best series I have ever read!  It's The Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers:

Let me tell you, I was really hesitant to start these books.  I gave in and read Redeeming Love by this same author a few years ago and loved it but for some reason I was still hesitant about Christian fiction.  I mean the covers do look a little romance novel-ish don't they?

Voice in the Wind is the first book in the series.  It is the story of Hadassah.  The story opens with her city Jerusalem being destroyed by the Roman army.  Her family is killed and she is captured and sold as a slave to the Valerian family.  So much happens in this book!  The first few chapters are a little slow but things quickly pick up.  Julia Valerian is so messed up and by the end of the book you will hate her.  Marcus too is very troubled but you root for him.  And Hadassah is remarkable.  She really shows you what it means to live out your faith in a world that does not agree with it.  Even though ancient Rome may seem very different than today's world, there are a lot of similarities.  This was probably my favorite book in the series!

Echo in the Darkness is the second book in the series.  And I'm telling you if you get close to the end of the first book, go ahead and have this one on hand because you will want to start it immediately after you finish the first one!  This book continues the main story from the first book.  I can't tell you much more without including spoilers.  I really enjoyed this book as well and loved finding out what happened to all the characters on their long twisted journey.

As Sure as the Dawn is the third and final book in the series.  This book is somewhat different from the other two because it focuses on one of the other main characters from the first book Atretes, a German warrior who was captured by Rome and forced to become a Gladiator (which is not something you want to be forced to become).  Artetes goes through a lot in the first book and this book picks up kind of where you left him in the first book.  New characters are introduced and you will fall in love with and hate some of them just as much as the others from the first two books.

I give this series 5 out of 5 stars and I'm sad this it is over.  These characters were so real to me and I learned so much from them and experienced the full range of emotions with them.  Even if you aren't a Christian I think you would love these stories.  It gives you a taste of what life was like in Ancient Rome.  It reminded me of the TV series Spartacus on Starz a little, but with a little less sex and violence (but not much!).  I highly recommend you add these to your must read list!!

Weekend Wrap-up

This weekend was both good and bad.  Since I am low on time, here is the weekend wrap-up bullet style:

- I got to go to my first Carolina Hurricanes game of the season.  One of my good friends was nice enough to invite me to her work thing at the game and our seats were awesome!  Before the game they had a tailgate with great food and beer/wine.  Ron the Ref and Stormy were there and Tuomo Ruutu (one of the players) gave a little talk and answered questions.  It was a great game and we won!!

I don't know why Stormy wanted to show off his bully button!

CAM!  My favorite!

- I watched Gone with the Wind for the first time this weekend.  It was not what I was expecting at all!  It was really depressing and traumatic   Not a sweet and happy love story, but still a good movie.  I kind of want to read the book now.

- I went downtown on Saturday night after the game and actually stayed out late and danced up a storm!  It was fun but my mind was kind of elsewhere...

- While we were out Saturday night I was with another girl from my bible study and we both got calls from our leader back to back which was a little unusual.  When we checked the message she left for us we were in shock!  One of the other girls in our group had her brother visiting this weekend and she was calling to tell us he passed away around 8:30 that night while he was with her.  It was so shocking because we had both just met her brother after the 4 pm service at church just a few hours earlier!

We had heard so much about her brother before meeting him and she was so proud and happy to be able to introduce us to him.  He was born with only half a heart but despite all odds had made it 24 years by God's grace.  They had  had a scare a few months ago, but when we met him he seemed to be doing well and talked about how much he had enjoyed the service.  It was just such a reminder about how fragile and fleeting life is.

Sunday our small group met and wrote letters of encouragement to our dear friend and took lunch to her and her family.  It was so bitter sweet.  Bitter because death always stings, but sweet because we could see God's hand in everything that happened the day before.

Also sweet because I think we all can see how much our group has grown  in our faith and with each other over the last year.  I have never had girls that I could depend on like these girls.  We are more than a bible study, more than friends, sometimes more than even family.

It's also sweet because we know he is with the Lord now and there is nothing sweeter than that.  I have experienced in my life the death of people who are strong in their faith and also people that you really just don't know where they stood with Jesus and it is so much different when you know exactly where they are going.  It is sad yes, but that sadness is countered by the joy you feel for them too.  The joy that you know you will get to experience when this life is over and we are finally HOME.

- If God keeps me here in this life a long time, I hope He gives me the opportunity to know a love like this.  Oh to be loved and even more- to love someone else like this!

Sunday Snippets: Loving the World

This week has been a roller coaster for me.  I know I had promised to be a better blogger this year, but sometimes I can barely keep up with life.  I can barely keep up with the emotions I go through on a weekly basis, let alone document them.  Even though I feel like nothing big is happening in my life.  I mean according to the world's standards I'm pretty unsuccessful currently.  I'm not getting married.  I'm not having a baby.  I didn't get a new job.  I'm not moving somewhere cool and fun.  I'm not training for a marathon.  I'm haven't lost 100 lbs.  I haven't wrote a book or published a song.  Nothing is really new with me according to the world's standards.  I couldn't impress anyone on Facebook or at a cocktail party.  And honestly it was starting to kind of get to me.

I've felt really stuck lately.  I felt like nothing was happening in my life and I felt like I was getting left behind.

This weekend our pastor gave a sermon on "Loving the world but not loving the world".  It sounds very contradictory, but basically it was about guarding yourself for not loving or craving the things of this world over God.  Bad things like partying, sex, drugs, greed.  But more importantly good things like marriage, children, your home, family, friends, etc.

He warned us about lusting for things and defined lust as a desire that has taken on too much weight and controls you and your behavior.  He said "Only by not lusting for the world can we give ourselves up and really love the world."

He referenced a lot of verses in 1 John but here were two of my favorites:

"For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory though our faith." 1 John 5:4

"And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave.  But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever." 1 John 2:17

The sermon was really good and if you want to listen to it you can go here.  (It isn't posted yet, but should be soon.)  But the sermon was really reinforced today when I sat down to do my bible study for my small group.  We have been working our way through Genesis in what has seriously been the best study we have ever done.  It has made me read these familiar stories with new eyes and really made me see how Jesus was always Plan A for God and how He has been using all of history to tell this wonderful story.

We just finished Creation Unraveled last week and are starting Creation Restored this week.  The first study took us through Genesis 1-11 which includes Adam & Eve, Cain & Abel, Noah, and the Tower of Babel.  Today I started the first week of Creation Restored which starts telling the story of Abram.

If you aren't familiar with the story of Abram, basically God makes a covenant with him that all His people (including the Messiah) will come through Abram and he changes his name to Abraham (Father Abraham had many sons, many sons had father Abraham..remember that song?)

But the study first has us look and who Abraham (Abram) and Sarah (Sarai) were when God chose them.  Basically they were on their way to a city that worshiped idols and they could not have children.  They were "barren"- Abram spiritually and Sarai physically.

The study asks "...wonder why God would chose to work through such a couple instead of picking out a man and a woman who better represented the best of what human beings can achieve."  It goes on to say that "...such things don't come from the righteousness of people, or the accomplishment of people, of from being born into the right bloodline." God does not choose us based on the world's standards of worthiness.

It goes on to discuss barrenness   Which I could really relate to right now and when you are in the midst of it leaves you pretty hopeless.  Barrenness isn't just not being able to have children, but feeling like your life is empty and lacking faith and just feeling, well, barren and in the midst of a desert.

So what gives us hope in the midst of "barrenness"?  Faith.  Here's another quote from the study- "Faith isn't an attempt to give us the look of morality.  That's not faith at all.  That isn't Christianity either.  Having faith in God means letting go of everything that our hands are grasping so tightly in our effort to find identity and security- yes, even seemingly good things- and looking toward God to keep us instead."

It goes on to discuss how God asked him to go but didn't tell him where to go.  And even worse, Abraham never got to see with his own eyes the fulfillment of God's promises.  Ten years after God had promised him "descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky", he and Sarah were still childless and old.  "...the gap between the promise and their fulfillment was starting to wear on him." (and us!)  He complained to God that he was childless and old and would have no heir like God had promised.

I loved this passage from the study:
"I can't think of a single person who would have a hard time relating to Abraham here.  We've all felt dissatisfied with some of God's promises.  He promised to never leave or forsake us, for example, but there are definitely times we feel like we've been on our own for a while.  He promised to conform us to the image of His Son, but we can't seem to get free from the power of sin.  He promised to hear us when we cry out to Him, but there are times when the sky feels like brass, bouncing back our prayers."

That is exactly how I have been feeling lately.

Thank God for this message at just the right time.

The study goes on to ponder "can't God give us something like the sign He gave to Abraham?...how can we know, like Abraham knew, that God will keep His promises?  Here is the answer:

"And He took bread, gave thanks, broke it, gave it to them, and said, "This is My body, which is given for you.  Do this in remembrance of Me." In the same way He also took the cup after supper and said, "This cup is the new covenant established by My blood; it is shed for you" (Luke 22:19-20)

That is what I am going to be focusing on this Lent season.  Not the suffering because I have been up to my eyeballs wallowing in self-pity for my "suffering".  And even though it is but a scratch compared to Christ sufferings, my faith cannot withstand focusing on suffering right now.

So I am focusing on the gift.  And the promise.  And knowing that at times like this when my faith is weak and I'm so distracted by the things of this world, that someone has already believed and trusted perfectly for me.  Thank God!  So thankful for Jesus!  So thankful for this study.

And I'm so incredibly thankful for my Bible study girls and other girl friends this week who held me up with prayer and encouragement when I was weak.  If you think you can walk this journey of faith alone, I am telling you, you can't.  You need others to remind you of truth constantly and hold you up and encourage you when the world beats you down.  Find a church and/or small group to live your life with and study God's word with.  It makes all the difference in the world!

Sunday Snippets- I can't get no satisfaction

So I know I am usually upbeat and try to be inspirational in these posts, but I have a confession to make.  I'm not satisfied.  I've been feeling very unsatisfied lately.  I've felt kind of like a failure as a Christian because I know I should feel satisfied. How do I know?  Just read some of these verses:


Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. John 6:35

And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. Isaiah 58:11

The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not be visited by harm. Proverbs 19:23

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

But my eyes cannot stay focused on Jesus.  I keep getting distracted by all these things that I want...

Like a new house, a new car, a hot body that is bikini ready at a moment's notice, a maid, a family, a big family with at least four kids, prince charming, a hot prince charming that is head over heels for me and loves Jesus, a massage, a vacation, a turquoise bauble necklace, a promotion, an award, some recognition for my work, to be beautiful, to be recognized for my beauty, to be loved...I could go on and on.

And I know even if I got these things they would not satisfy me.  Just read the book of Ecclesiastes.  Or look at Hollywood.  All those beautiful, rich people who could have whatever they want with a snap of their fingers...they don't seem to be satisfied either.

I"m committing the sin of coveting.  I'm coveting everything everyone around me has, or everything society tells me I should have and I can't stop.  I really don't know what is going on right now but something has to change because I just keep trying to fill this yearning with food and laziness and despair and it keeps getting worse.  I know it sounds horrible and pathetic but it isn't as bad as I am making it seem here on a daily basis.  Normally I am fine.  I'm just getting really annoyed by this lingering "unsatisfied" feeling.

So I'm going to try some different things.  I started some new devotionals.  One is a "soul cleanse" and the other is a devotional on fasting.  I am going to try fasting at least once a week.  I am going to chase after God and ask Him to satisfy this craving and try to stop "wanting" so much.

Ten Ranodm Thoughts Tuesday

1.  I saw this movie on Friday and it was awesome.

I didn't think the torture scenes were too bad.  And I think Bin Laden would be rolling over in his grave if he knew it was a woman that found him and was the driving force behind his death!  Oh and I don't know how accurate the actual mission to capture/kill him was, but I loved watching the portrayal.  Seal Team Six was HOT!  Two thumbs up!

2. I tried out this hot new place Rise in Durham.  I had heard a lot of buzz about it and a lot of people had experienced 30 min.+ wait times just to order.  We went Monday for lunch and it wasn't too busy at all.  There were two of us and we each ordered a biscuit and a donut and split everything.  It was all yummy!

From front to back: Fried Chicken Biscuit, Peanut Butter Cup Donut, Myer Lemon Bomb donut, Apple Braised Pork biscuit

3. I listened to this sermon on how God made Eve to be a helper for Adam.  In it the pastor talks about how men and women interact in the workplace and how a lot of relationships and affairs happen in the workplace because when women and men are working together this reflects God's original design.  It makes sense to me because I do think when you are spending so much time together and working as a team it can form bonds and cause attraction.  Thoughts?

4.  I am loving The Bachelor!  But is it just me or does Sean seem too perfect sometimes?  I gave in and looked at the spoilers at who supposedly wins.  I can tell you she would not even be on my radar if it weren't for seeing that.  Here are my favorites right now:

AshLee- but really?  how can you make a living as a personal organizer?

Lindsay- I know she was a little coo-coo for wearing the wedding dress, but I like her and she's from NC!

Lesley- I loved her awkwardness with Sean during her 1-on-1 time because that would totally be me!

I also really like Kaci B. (although I don't think she is really out of the "friend zone") and Sarah (but I think she could find a better match than Sean.  She wants someone more exciting than him I think.)

5. I just got my first paycheck of 2013 and I want to cry.  I spent months working on my 2013 budget and now I have to figure out how to cut $80/month out of it.  I seriously hate taxes.

6.  I didn't think I would, but I am totally loving this Mark of the Lion series I am reading.  A friend had let me borrow the first book and last night I just ordered the whole series from Amazon because I think this series will end up being one of my all time favorites!

7. Apparently Scotty McCreery came to our church on Sunday.  I did not see him because I go on Saturday nights.  Our campus pastor wrote a blog post about how to respond when a celebrity comes to your church. I'm kind of glad I wasn't there because I probably would have been one of those to point, stare and whisper with my friends.  Who knows?  The closest I've ever come to a celebrity was one summer the guy that played Minkus from Boy Meets World came to work where I worked.  It was right when One Tree Hill had just come on the air so he wasn't too famous for being "Mouth" yet.   His dad worked there and he was on break from Wake Forrest that summer.  I actually had to train him and acted totally normal, but that didn't mean the day before I wasn't pointing and staring and whispering with my friends.

8. I need a maid.  But that will not happen anytime soon.  (see #5)

9. I feel very blah and "stuck" lately.  Frustrated.  I can't seem to get myself out of this general funk.

10. Yesterday we had most of my team and a bunch of people from Worldwide Marketing in a room at work testing some new webpages we are getting ready to launch.  One of the guys in the room said "this is definitely Susan in this video." and people started joking about "was I moonlighting as an actress??"  Of course my heart dropped and I was scared to see what this girl looked like.  Do you guys kind of freak out when people say you look like someone?  The video is below and I do see some resemblance but that girl is way skinnier, younger, and prettier than me.  I said "Haha yeah maybe me when I was 16!"

Sorry for the randomness today, but it's been kind of a random month so far.

  

Sunday Snippets- Rejection

Warning- this post may be long...

Oh goodness where to start?  On Thursday this week one of the girls in my bible study asked if we wanted to do dinner on Friday.  Most everyone could not do dinner on Friday but there was interest in getting dinner after church on Saturday night.  I always get a little nervous about making plans because they always seem to fall apart for me...but church and dinner sounded like a good plan to me.

A girl I work with had gone to Christmas at the DPAC with me and had said she wanted to go to church with me sometime and we had talked about her going with me on Saturday.  I asked if she was up for dinner too and she said she was.

Then I got an email from Summit Kids leader asking me if I could help out this weekend.  I told him I might be able to do the 4:00 service and asked if I could bring my friend.  So now I had to tell the girl I worked with the situation and asked if she wanted to help out in Summit Kids with me too.  She said she was up for that too. Thank goodness...plans were teetering, but still ok so far.

Meanwhile the b-study group text was blowing up about which service everyone was going to go to and where we wanted to eat.  We picked a place and I volunteered to make the reservations.

Between the time of this text when I volunteered to make the reservations and when I got to church on Saturday, FIVE people cancelled on me.  Two girls had to cancel within hours of making plans because they had already made plans for Saturday but forgot.  Another girl cancelled the next day because she needed some downtime and to save a little money. I had already asked another friend to join us and hadn't added her to the reservation yet, so thankfully didn't have to call and change it.  But that friend cancelled the day of because she had some dental work done the day before and was in too much pain.  And my friend from work cancelled 10 minutes before I had to be at church.

Y'all I do not know why but people cancelling on me or even just telling me no when I try to make plans hurts me.  Which is why I hardly ever am the one to try to plan something up or even invite people to things.

I didn't bring this up before, but that baby shower we threw...besides Kristin and I (the hostesses) and Stephanie (the one we were throwing it for)...only three other girls showed up.  We invited 15 or so girls and more than 3 had RSVPed yes, but yeah that kind of hurt too after putting all that work in to it.

The shower ended up being great with the smaller group and dinner on Saturday ended up being perfect with just three of us, but as I was driving to church I was so frustrated and hurt I cried out to God and asked why I took this stuff so personally and why it felt like such rejection and hurt me so badly.

I could feel God telling me He is no stranger to this.  People reject him all the time.  People say yes that they believe in Him and will follow Him no matter what but end up forgetting about that promise or doing what they want to do rather than what they had promised to do (myself included).

I had said yes to God, but for years forgot about Him and did what I wanted to do.  Even now that I love Him so much and am strongly pursuing Him, I still reject Him sometimes.  I do what I want to do instead of what He wants for me.  I felt so sorry for having said no to God so much because I know how much it hurts to feel rejected.  I told Him how sorry I was for rejecting Him and how sorry I was for all the rejection He has to deal with in general.

When people say no to me or cancel on me, it makes me want to not invite them to things anymore.  I know that is bad, but I would rather avoid future rejection than try to plan something again.  (This tendency of mine is probably another one of the reasons I am still single.  I have such huge rejection issues.)  In fact I told you, most of the time I am never the one to initiate planning of anything because of this.  I have such a hard time asking anyone for anything because I take "NO" so badly.  I am so thankful that I have friends who ask me to do things because otherwise I might never leave the dang house!

Anyway, the message at church that night was just what I needed to hear.  It was on Genesis 37 and the story of when Joseph's brothers sold him in to slavery and told his father he was dead.  Joseph's brothers hated him because he was daddy's favorite.  But despite their rejection of him, Joseph still loved and pursued them.  He went out to the wilderness looking for his brothers and when he finally found them his brothers ripped off his robe and threw him into a cistern.  They contemplated killing him, or just leaving him there, but then some traders going down to Egypt came by and they decided to sell their brother into slavery to them.  The brothers then took his robe, dipped it in blood, and took it to their father so that he would think Joseph had been killed in the wilderness.

The sermon was so good but I was processing even more from this story.

1. Joseph pursued his brothers even though they rejected him.  Same thing goes for God.  He still pursued us even though we reject Him.  THANK GOD!  I need to do this in my life.  I need to fight my natural urge to not plan things or invite people to things because of my fear of rejection.  I need to love them more than I fear the rejection.

2. Even though this rejection hurt Joseph (my goodness, I can't even handle people cancelling on me, I might not have survived this) God was using all this for Joseph and his family's good and also to tell His (God's) story.

If you don't know the rest of the story eventually Joseph comes in to power in Egypt (after years of slavery and even prison) and is able to save his family.  The pastor said "Joseph was rejected for the salvation of his family.  Jesus was rejected for the salvation of mankind."  So even though rejection hurts sometimes, God is using it all for our good.  And I just need to rest in that.

One of the other things the pastor pointed out- Joseph's brothers dipped his robe in blood to try to cover their sins before their father.  What a shadow that is of how we now can cover ourselves in the blood of Christ to cover our sins before our Father.  And the fact that this little detail is part of the story- amazing!  I tell you it is just amazing how God used all these stories in the Old Testament to point to Christ.  How He used these people's lives to tell His story.  I even whispered to my friend "How can people not believe this (the Gospel- Jesus)?!"  Everything points to Him.  He used all these things to foreshadow it.  GOD really is the best writer ever and I can't wait to see more and be a part of this wonderful story of His!

P.S. If you are one of the people who cancelled this weekend and/or didn't come to the baby shower, please do not take this personally or get hurt by this blog post.  I often try to hide my feelings and keep everything inside, or not blog about it for fear of hurting someone else, but I couldn't keep all this in out of fear that getting my feelings hurt and blogging about it would hurt someone else.

Believe me I know you have to say no sometimes.  I was even thinking of saying no to some more things this year because I tend to over commit myself.  And just last week I had to pull out of my New Year's Eve plans because of my tooth pain.  If I could make myself not hurt when people say no and/or cancel I totally would because I don't like feeling hurt.  But that's the thing with feelings, sometimes you just can't control them.  So I apologize in advance if this blog post hurts you in any way, but I just had to get it all out.

Everything ended up just the way it was supposed to be and both events went perfectly, so you were probably meant to say no and/or cancel.  This blog post is not about that or you personally.  It is about the hurt of rejection and what I learned from all this.

Am I alone in this?  Do any of you guys get so hurt over rejection (and or perceived rejection)?

New Year, Same Goals?

Here are the resolutions I made a year ago:

1. Finish my 30 Before 30 list before my birthday in August. (2 years late but hey at least I will finish)  In order to complete it here's what is left:

• Get in the best shape of my life (working on it)
• kayak 
• catch a fish
• kiss in the rain
• read the Bible all the way through (almost finished with the OT)

2. Run a half marathon (hopefully in April)

3. Pay off my car early.  (I am supposed to be done with payments April 2013, but I would like to pay it off early if possible!)

So I did make some progress. 1.5 out of 3?  In my defense, I thought my car payments would be done in April 2013, but it is actually April of 2014.  Saving up 4 months worth or extra payments is a lot different from saving up 16 months of extra payments!  So that will stay on the list.

Here are my goals for 2013:

1. Finish my 30 Before 30 list.
Only 3 things left!  The hardest is #1- get in the best shape of my life, so I think I will concentrate on that.

2. Pay off my car early.

3. Make some upgrades to my house.
I want to re-paint the downstairs, switch out some light fixtures, re-do the counter tops in the kitchen, get a new kitchen sink and faucet, and possibly replace some appliances.

4. Be a better blogger.
This year I have sucked at blogging.  I haven't replied to comments.  I haven't even commented much on other blogs (although I have been reading!).  I haven't been consistent with my posts and most of them have lacked substance.  I want to get back to being a better blogger because it is something I really enjoy.

The past few years I have also committed to start, stop, and keep certain things in my life.

Here are mine from last year...

I would like to start eating healthy on a more consistent basis.  FAIL!

I would like to stop complaining so much.  FAIL!

I would like to keep running.  FAIL!

I did pretty good with those for the first half of the year, but the second half of the year they all fell by the wayside.  I would like to try to improve on those again in 2013 but also...

Start getting up earlier and going to bed earlier.

Stop eating so many sweets and processed foods.

Keep  volunteering with Summit Kids.

So it sounds like 2013 is going to be a year to concentrate on my health and finances.  I wouldn't LOVE to have some LOVE show up in 2013 for me, but I have all but given up on that.  I am not good at the whole love thing and am totally leaving that in God's hands where it belongs.  If 2013 is the year for it yippee, if not I will wait.

30 Days of Thanks- Days 17-19

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!  I had a blast at The Color Run in Charlotte this weekend and hope to write a whole post about it soon.  I don't have much time so I'm going to get to what I've been thankful for:

Day 17 I was thankful for...
Friends who are hospitable

My old roommate lives in Charlotte and she let us stay with her Friday night.  I was so thankful for this!  It was so good to see her and finally get to see her place and catch up with her.  Friends who are hospitable are the best!

Day 18 I was thankful for...
The Summit Choir

Our church switched to a worship band instead of a choir a few years ago and I have missed the choir.  Every once in a while they put on a concert and I go to go this Sunday to see it.  They are so good and I can always feel God's presence in the room when they are singing!

Today I was thankful for...
Sushi

I love sushi!  Our small group got together for our "Thanksgiving dinner" tonight at one of my favorite sushi places.  We ordered so much we even got a boat!  YUM!

30 Days of Thanks- Days 13-16

This week had been crazy!  I've been a little frustrated and negative this week, but there have been a lot of things to be thankful for...

Day 13 I was thankful for...
My Small Group and our awesome leader!

I've been in the same small group (Bible study) for about 4 years I think.  I have grown so much in my relationship with Christ and I've seen the group go through so many changes!  Tuesday I was thankful for our leader Alicia who invited me to bring my dog over to Bible Study and made us yummy apple cider and chocolate chip cookies. I was thankful for such a good time putting together boxes for Operation Christmas Child.  So thankful for God bringing these wonderful ladies in to my life and for them loving me even when I'm at my worst!

Day 14 I was thankful for...
Friends that make me step outside my comfort zone

Wednesday I went with one of my sorority sisters that I haven't seen in forever to a line dancing class!  One of our other sorority sisters teaches the class and it was so much fun.  I have even been practicing some of the dances we learned so I won't forget them.  I am definitely looking forward to going to another class soon!

Day 15 I was thankful for...
Potlucks

Yummy food is always something to be thankful for!

Today I am thankful for...
Nice Co-workers who will watch my dog

I am heading to Charlotte tonight to stay with a friend because we are all running in The Color Run tomorrow!  A guy I work with is going to watch my dog for me tonight.  I am a little nervous about it because honestly I don't know this guy all THAT well even though we have worked together for the last 2 years.  But we have become friends over the last few months and he has expressed interest in getting a dog before so I thought this would be good practice for him.  I'm sure he will do a wonderful job and Cam will have a great time.  It just makes me a little nervous because it is my baby!

Have a great weekend y'all!!

#27- Read the Bible all the way through

Hallelujah!  I can FINALLY mark something else off my list today!  I finally finished reading the Bible all the way through!

Back in 2008 I decided to try an email service that was supposed to email me passages everyday and within a year I would have read the whole bible all the way through!  Well, that didn't work out.  So I bought a New Living Translation Bible (Someone recommended this translation to me because the language is much more simple and reads more like a story.  I LOVE it!) and I bought a reading guide/journal to help me:

I started out strong but quickly lost track and finally gave up for a while. I was struggling and way behind.  The Old Testament is just not that easy to read sometimes.  By May 2011 I had only made it through 12 of the 66 books in the Bible.  By this point I had completely given up on the Devotional Journal.  I was now mainly reading through the Bible app on my phone when I got a chance.  I had a spreadsheet to keep track of my progress.  During the past few years I also did deep studies on some of the books of the bible and would mark those off my list as we completed the studies.  The ones I did on major books of the Bible were:

These studies help tremendously to really go deeper and completely understand what the text is saying and what it all means.  The Galatians and Romans studies were by Tim Keller who gets kind of deep and I personally have a tendency to get frustrated with them.  But that frustration I've found is good for me.  I grew more spiritually during these two studies than any of the other ones we've done I think.  The Esther and Daniel studies were Beth Moore.  Oh I love Beth and her big hair and seeing her outfits on the videos each week.  (Yes there are videos with these and they help a lot!)  I really enjoy Beth's studies!  These deep dive studies take a long time.  Anywhere from 6-12 months!  But I love them and can't wait to do more!

Other than those books and after I gave up on the chronological study guide (probably around Deuteronomy) I just read straight through the Old Testament.  I did take breaks and do smaller books like Proverbs and Ephesians during times we were studying those at church.  When I finally finished the Old Testament, I knocked out a few smaller books of the New Testament just so I could feel like I was making some real progress.  Then I went back and started with Matthew.  I jumped around a bit in the New testament I think because the last two books I ended with were Acts and finally Revelation.

It feels good that I can finally say I have read the Bible all the way through!  But I am by no means done!  I will spend time everyday in God's word.  I want to do more deep dive studies on specific books for sure!

I think it is good for everyone to read the Bible all the way through from start to finish because it really does tell a story!  Tons of little stories and some are really shocking and interesting! But also one bigger story of God creating us, giving us chance after chance to have a good relationship with Him, us rebelling over and over, God trying to correct us, us screwing up, God loving us, the promise and foreshadowing of Jesus, and then finally Jesus comes and fulfills the promise!  And now we no longer have to try to save ourselves   He sent us a king and savior to take the punishment for sin and all we have to do is accept that gift and make him Lord!  It is so amazing to see everything come together and how God used all these things to weave together such a beautiful story!

My favorite book of the Bible?  Ecclesiastes

My favorite character in the Bible (other than Jesus)?  David

My favorite story in the Bible (other than the crucifixion)? Abraham almost sacrificing Issac

 My favorite verse in the Bible? (at the moment) 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 

(but there are so may more good ones!  It could change weekly!)

Have you ever read the Bible all the way through?  What was your approach?

Prayer Request

I believe in the power of prayer.  I believe because I have seen it work many times.  Two years ago I asked you guys to pray for Bailey's safe return home and it worked!  (Read a more on that story here)  I never thought I could raise over $3,000 for a mission trip when I was at my lowest financial point ever, but I did. When I got laid off a few years ago, I never thought I would recover financially or find a job I love, but I did.  All of those were only accomplished through the grace of God and prayer!

This isn't nearly as urgent but it's something that needs to happen but I need a little help.  There is someone I need to have a difficult conversation with.  Please pray that God will create an opportunity for this conversation to happen and that I will have courage and the words to say.

I know that is very vague, but I promise I will give you more details eventually.

Thanks for your support and for being such loyal readers/friends!  I know I have been slacking in the posts lately.  It's hard to write when your mind is consumed.  But I promise to get back on the regular blogging bandwagon soon!

Sunday Snippets: Duke football team

They played this video at church this weekend and I just loved it!  Hearing guys talk about their faith is so hot.

Duke Football Story from Josh Sliffe on Vimeo.

Things you need to listen to and read!

A few weeks ago one of my Bible study girls posted a link to this sermon on her Facebook.  I listed to it that day while I worked and I went back and listened to it again today.  And I'm sure this is one I will listen to again and again.

Me Beautiful?

Will we listen to those voices, or will we listen to our Father, who loves us, created us in His image,
and gifted us with purpose.



I also posted some more reviews on my Bookshelf Blog.  These first two are a must read!

5 out of 5 stars!

5 out of 5 stars!

3 out of 5 stars

I still heart Chic-fil-a

There has been a lot of controversy lately over one of my most favorite places- Chic-fil-a.  It makes me sad because Christian or not, this is one of the organizations that I feel like is doing it right.  And their chicken is freaking delicious!

A few weeks ago I had the privledge to hear the Chic-fil-a CEO Dan Cathy give a speech about faith in the workplace.  It was excellent and he used so many examples of how Chic-fil-a goes above and beyond for their customers.  Little things that make a big difference.  Things that are done for ALL customers (gay or straight...black or white...Christian or not.)

Even though he may not agree with gay marriage, I know he (and the company) would never, ever discrimate against or treat anyone differently.  Their goal is to please EVERY customer.

You are never going to please everyone all of the time.  And you are never going to agree with everyone.  Does that mean you should hate them?  Boycott them? I feel like the gay community is doing the one thing they are asking everyone not to do.  It really is all very sad.

I meant to blog about this after the event, but got so busy!  Here are some things I jotted down from the Dan Cathy speech I went to:


How many of you are involved in full time Christian ministry?  Are you still a student? 
(His point was you should always be a student- always learning.  And if you are a Christian, you should consider yourself in full-time Christian ministry.)

Reference scripture when you speak to people- pocket Bible.  Be as well versed in your Bible as you are your cell phone. 
(He carried a pocket Bible with him everywhere)

In the first 40 hours, you make your biggest impression of the culture of your organization to a new employee.
(They have a well-developed program for the first week that ingains the company culture in new employees. Yes, it is based on the Christian faith, but is really all about customer service and excellence!)

Not thinking quarter to quarter, but thinking decade to decade or generation to generation.

To glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us.  To have a positive influence on all who come in contact with Chic-fil-a.
(This is the corporate purpose of Chic-fil-a, the reason the business exists)

"If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles." Matthew 5:41... The first mile is done from the head.  The second mile is done from the heart.
(Don't just do what is expected...what is required. Go that extra mile with people.)

Do anything you can to communicate honor, diginity, and respect to customers.
(They teach employees to carry the tray to the table of mothers with childeren...and they carry it in their left hand so they can pull out the chair for the mom with their right. And it is also why they all say "My pleasure".  Among many other little things.  I think this is a great rule for life in general..to do whatever you can to show honor, respect, and love to people.)

Create "tweetable" moments.
(Not for the sake of word-of-mouth, but just those moments that make someone go "wow...this is unexpected and great")

External service/success is a reflection of internal service/success.
(It starts from inside an organization- how they treat their employees)

They had a lot of owner/operators come up at the end and say how they started with Chic-fil-a and how long they had been with the company.  All of them had been with Chi-fil-a forever!  Some of them 20+ years. That is a reflection of a great organization.  I have a good friend that works for Chic-fil-a and loves it and wants to stay there for life.  And I don't blame her.

I think Christians in gereal are misunderstood sometimes.  Yes, there are bad apples who use Christianity to spread hate and bigotry.  But those people DO NOT KNOW JESUS.  They are clinging to religion (very different from loving Jesus and making him lord of your life) and really I don't get them at all.  True Christians don't want to shove their beliefs down your thoat.  They want you to know Jesus.  The amazing gift that God has given us.  They want to show His love to all they come in contact with.  Because they want you to know Him too!  Desperately.  Because it is the best news of their life and they want that for you too.

And they know that salvation comes from God alone.  Not anything they (or you) do.

They also want to stay faithful and true to His word.  Afterall if you are just following your own opinions and thoughts then you have not made Jesus lord of your life, you are still lord of your life.  I understant the need to be open-minded to others who think differently, but shouldn't that go both ways?  Even when it is against popular opinion?

I blogged about gay marriage a few months ago when we had a huge vote here in NC.  You can see that post here.  I don't want to create controversy, I just think this is such a great organization (regardless of how they feel about gay marriage) so I wanted to share my thoughts and what I had learned about Chic-fil-a at the Dan Cathy speech I had gone to.  I have learned over the years not to cut out people or organizations in my life just because they don't agree with me on one issue out of hundreds and that policy has served me very well and allowed me to become a more tolerant, loving, and open-minded individual.  I wish others could do the same.

NC Marriage Amendment

In NC we are getting ready to vote on an amendment to our constitution:

The long title of Senate Bill 514 is: "An Act to Amend the Constitution to Provide That Marriage Between One Man and One Woman is the Only Domestic Legal Union That Shall Be Valid or Recognized in This State."

This issue has been all over my Facebook the last few months.  People have strong opinions about it. 

As I understand it, if this amendment passes it could have huge implications for not only gay couples, but ANY unmarried couple.  And if it doesn't pass, everything will stay the same because we already have a law banning same-sex unions.

Saturday night at church they played a video our pastor had recorded encouraging us to vote for Amendment One.  I had already cast my vote early on Friday against Amendment One, but even if I hadn't the video would not have changed my mind.

I was upset that our pastor would say that as a church we should vote for it.  He did mention that the leadership team believes there is room for disagreement on the issue, but they presented nothing of the other side.  I've been angry that other Christians make it seem like the "Christian" thing to do would be to vote for the amendment, thus implying if you vote against it maybe you aren't Christian enough? 

I'm embarrassed how some Christians are acting and what they are saying in the face of this issue. I've been thankful for Christians who are brave enough to speak out against Amendment One.  I don't think where you stand on this issue makes you any more or less of a Christian.  This is a political issue and there can be Christians on both sides.  I just pray that no matter which side you stand on, we would be able to treat each other with respect.

Along with the implications in the graphic above, I also voted against the amendment because even though the Bible does say homosexual behavior is a sin, it doesn't mean that it should be illegal.  There are lots of things that are sinful but still legal.  Should we make divorce illegal?  Should we make gossiping or dishonoring your parents illegal?  How about pre-marital sex?  Maybe we should make that unconstitutional.

Also, I don't think gay marriage would threaten Christian marriage.  There are tons of straight people who are already "married" but not reflecting what Christian marriage should be (a reflection of God's relationship with the church). 

I also don't think the laws of our country should be dictated by the majority's religion.  What if Christianity was not the majority?  I sure wouldn't want to live under Sharia Law. 

And ultimately, in my view, denying love, family, and legal rights to people who are not straight does not align with God's command to love my neighbor. 

I will not tear down the other side because they have their reasons for supporting the amendment, and just because I disagree doesn't mean I should disrespect that view. 

No matter what your view is, I hope if you live in NC you go vote on this important issue.  Voting day is Tuesday May 8th, 2012.  Don't miss it!

Sunday Snippets- Forgiveness

The last 10 days have been hard for me.  First I was hurt by some people really close to me and then over the last week I've been hurt by someone new but significant in my life (no it's not a boy).  In both circumstances I don't think the hurt was intentional, but that doesn't lessen the effect.

I realized it had been a long time since I had been really hurt.  And I had forgotten how hard forgiveness can be! 

I've learned when I am hurt my most natural response is to run.  To end the relationship, get out of the situation, avoid ever letting it happen again.  I hold a grudge.  I want them to feel hurt too. But mainly I just want to run away from it.  

But you know what happens when you run?  YOU LOSE.  You  lose the relationship.  You have to carry that hurt even when the relationship is gone and you have the additional hurt of losing the relationship (if it was a good one).

You know what happens when you hold a grudge?  YOU LOSE.  Even if the relationship stays in tact, it will never be the same.  You will carry around the hurt and you will be quick to bring it back up.  You will add every hurt together until eventually you won't be able to maintain the relationship.

You know what happens when you hurt them back?  YOU LOSE.  Even though you may feel an initial satisfaction from your revenge, in the end it doesn't feel good to hurt someone (or at least it shouldn't).  I wonder how this dentist who pulled out all her ex boyfriend's teeth will feel when she's sitting in a jail cell? Although I did have to chuckle at the story because boy did she get him back for dumping her!

Forgiveness is freaking hard, but it is the only way you win.

I have been thankful for these experiences to remind me how hard forgiveness is.  It reminds me that one of the blessings of singleness is that you aren't in a position to have to forgive as often.  And more importantly it makes me even more aware of the weight of the forgiveness God shows me everyday.  Now when I pray "Please forgive me for..." I will be much more aware of what that means.  And how can I expect God to forgive me if I can't forgive others?

"But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too." - Mark 11:25

Sick

Sorry for the lack of posts lately.  I've been sick.  I started feeling off last Sunday.  Then woke up with a sore throat on Monday.  Progressively got worse during the week.  I worked from home Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday.  I thought it was just a cold and so I didn't go to the doctor. 

Over the weekend I got worse.  So I went to the doctor this morning.  The doctor didn't say exactly what I had.  She said my tonsils were swollen but I didn't have strep.  She said my body was definitely fighting something though so she gave me some drugs to hopefully knock this bad boy out!  Almost $50 at Walgreens, I came home with all this...

The worst part about this sickness is my throat.  I sound like crap.  I can barely talk and have these horrible coughing fits.  The doctor gave me these prescription cough suppressant pills.  I've never seen anything like them...

They look like little marbles.  And so far they work pretty well.

I HAVE to get better!  My first half marathon is on Sunday!!  I haven't ran since last Monday.  I was planning on doing 11 miles on Sunday but I just couldn't because I could barely breathe from this cold!  I am going to try to do 4 miles tonight and then 8 on Wednesday and maybe 3-4 on Thursday.  This freaking sucks!  I feel so unprepared and this dang cold better get better ASAP or else I definitely won't make it to the finish line!

Ok rant over :(

I hope you guys had a great Easter weekend!  I was at church Friday for a choir concert, Saturday to help out in Kid's Life (probably should NOT have done that) and attend service, and then back on Sunday to help with First Impressions and baptisms.  It was such a good weekend reflecting on the blood that was shed for me and the victory and power of the resurrection!  And the weather over the last few days has been just beautiful and I got to enjoy some time outside just relaxing. Despite the sickness it really was a great weekend. Hallelujah He has risen indeed!

Sunday Snippets- God can use ANYTHING for HIS Glory!

I'm trying to finish up #27 on my list- read the Bible all the way through.  Today I started on Matthew.  It starts out with what I once thought of as the boring "so and so begat so and so and they begat this person..."  It is basically used to show linage because the messiah was to come through King David.  I was reading through this list but when I got to this verse (Matthew 1:6) I stopped:


"Jesse was the father of King David. David was the father of Solomon (whose mother was Bathsheba, the widow of Uriah.)"

It goes on to list the rest of the linage up to Jesus. But the names David, Bathsheba, and the word widow brought that story rushing back to me.

It's one of the most shocking stories to me in the Bible- the story of David and Bathsheba.  David was a powerful king and saw a beautiful neighbor, Bathsheba, taking a bath.  He sends some people to get her and bring her back to the palace and he slept with her.  Bathsheba got pregnant.  David tried to cover it up by having her husband brought back from war and getting him drunk and trying to get him to go sleep with his wife so no one would ever know it was his child.  But all his plotting and planning didn't work.  So David had Bathsheba's husband sent to the front lines of battle so he would be killed.  Then he made Bathsheba one of his wives once she finished mourning the loss of her husband.

The story was just so shocking because David loved the Lord.  He had been blessed by him and was a good man.  How could he make such a mistake?! Why would he do this??

God sends a prophet to tell David a story of a rich man taking one poor man's beloved lamb to slaughter for a party he was having even though the rich man had plenty of his own lambs.  This outrages David in it's unfairness and the prophet tells David "you are that rich man" because of what he did to Bathsheba's husband.  David realizes his sin and confesses his guilt.

But when I read that verse in Matthew I realized if David would have never had that affair and killed Bathsheba's husband then would Jesus have ever been born?!  He came from the line of Bathsheba and David!!  It just made me so thankful.  God can use anything for His glory! 

It's just so comforting because I felt like around me there's been a lot of discussion "is this a sin? is that a sin? should I being doing this or that?" And I do think it is important to think about those things, but if you stress out about it too much it can become paralyzing!  If you are sinning, God is going to let you know.  The Holy Spirit will let you know when you are doing something wrong and when you should change bad habits.  But if you mess up, it is not the end of the world.  Jesus has paid the price for our sins.  We don't have to die for them!  We just need to confess and repent when we mess up!  AND God can even use those mistakes to bring glory to His name!  How awesome is that?!?