Thoughts on Love

I've spent almost the last three years completely single.  Aside from a crush or two and one (i think) night of a drunken make out mistake, I have not dated, kissed, hugged, or held hands with a guy.  I miss it.  I really do.

Since I've gotten older, I see dating much differently that I did when I was younger.  When I was in college, I  wasted spent five-six years with a guy I knew I didn't want to marry.  But I liked him a lot and he was comforting and a great friend.  He just sucked to be in a relationship with and I knew I didn't want to deal with all that drama for the rest of my life.  But it was just easier to be with him than be alone.

Then I dated a guy that treated me better than any guy probably ever will.  He was so sweet, thoughtful, everything you want a guy to be.  But we just weren't right.  And I took him for granted and still had my eyes open for something better which killed the relationship because he could tell I wasn't putting him first when he most definitely was putting me first.

The I dated witty guy.  And we just weren't right either.  I think we both really tried to make it work, but it just didn't.  And then he met a 19 year old waitress and broke my heart and destroyed my self-esteem at the same time.  (Me bitter?  No way!)  So that took a while to get over.

And now I have spent so much time alone I am afraid of anything real ever happening.  I still have crushes and flirt and think guys are cute, but I am so scared to have anything real happen.  Even though I want it so bad.

I'm just afraid to let someone have my heart again and it not work out.  I'm afraid of integrating someone in to my life and becoming best friends with them and then everything falling apart and having to separate myself from them again.  So in theory I want the next one to be The One.

But that puts so much pressure on everything.  So I hate that.  I want to be able to get to know someone without thinking that far ahead.

I know I need to just let go and trust that God has a plan and anyone he brings in to my life, He does so for a purpose.  I need to let go of all this fear around relationships.  But it is easier said than done.

Create a Match.com Summer Singles Event and Win

When I first saw the ads for the Match.com Stir events I thought it was an awesome concept.  You get to meet a lot of other singles and it isn't just forced awkward conversation because you are doing a fun activity together.  There's a wide range of events by Match.com offered to members all around the country ranging from large-scale happy hours at popular venues, to more intimate events like tequila tastings and DJ lessons!  In fact I have always wanted to go to a Stir event, but you have to be a Match.com member and my previous adventures in online dating have left a bad taste in my mouth so I'm a little gun-shy.

They've only been doing these singles events for a year, but in just one year they have hosted 2,850 events – broken down, that’s 14 events each day, 75 events a week, 320 events per month! Match has collaborated with over 1,200 venues and partners, including House of Blues, Banana Republic, Sur la Table and Warrior Dash, along with local gems in each city.

In celebration of the Stir anniversary, Match.com is offering the opportunity for singles to create their own Stir event, and if their event is chosen, to work with Match Stir event planners to bring it to life!  Think how cool that would be!  I was trying to think what I would want to do and here are some of my ideas:

• Cooking class
• Wine & Design
• Ropes Course or Zip Lining
• Bowling

I'm not too creative apparently.  But I bet you guys are!  Visit Match.com’s “What Stirs You?” Contest Page now through Tuesday May 28th, 2013 and tell Match.com what you think would make for the perfect singles event to be entered to win. Entries will be judged based on quality, creativity, uniqueness and geographical relevance.

The selected winner will have their idea re-created by the Match.com Stir Events team in their city, and will receive an invitation to attend the event along with ten of their single friends – all at no charge! (I hope I get an invite if you win!!)  In addition, the winner will also receive a free six-month Match.com subscription.

You better believe I am submitting an idea!  And if you are not single but have a great idea, send it to me!!  I need all the help I can get in finding Mr. Right.

* this post was sponsored but only because I love the idea and am willing to enter the contest myself! Don't worry I'm not selling out my blog quite yet!

Sunday Snippets: Loving the World

This week has been a roller coaster for me.  I know I had promised to be a better blogger this year, but sometimes I can barely keep up with life.  I can barely keep up with the emotions I go through on a weekly basis, let alone document them.  Even though I feel like nothing big is happening in my life.  I mean according to the world's standards I'm pretty unsuccessful currently.  I'm not getting married.  I'm not having a baby.  I didn't get a new job.  I'm not moving somewhere cool and fun.  I'm not training for a marathon.  I'm haven't lost 100 lbs.  I haven't wrote a book or published a song.  Nothing is really new with me according to the world's standards.  I couldn't impress anyone on Facebook or at a cocktail party.  And honestly it was starting to kind of get to me.

I've felt really stuck lately.  I felt like nothing was happening in my life and I felt like I was getting left behind.

This weekend our pastor gave a sermon on "Loving the world but not loving the world".  It sounds very contradictory, but basically it was about guarding yourself for not loving or craving the things of this world over God.  Bad things like partying, sex, drugs, greed.  But more importantly good things like marriage, children, your home, family, friends, etc.

He warned us about lusting for things and defined lust as a desire that has taken on too much weight and controls you and your behavior.  He said "Only by not lusting for the world can we give ourselves up and really love the world."

He referenced a lot of verses in 1 John but here were two of my favorites:

"For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory though our faith." 1 John 5:4

"And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave.  But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever." 1 John 2:17

The sermon was really good and if you want to listen to it you can go here.  (It isn't posted yet, but should be soon.)  But the sermon was really reinforced today when I sat down to do my bible study for my small group.  We have been working our way through Genesis in what has seriously been the best study we have ever done.  It has made me read these familiar stories with new eyes and really made me see how Jesus was always Plan A for God and how He has been using all of history to tell this wonderful story.

We just finished Creation Unraveled last week and are starting Creation Restored this week.  The first study took us through Genesis 1-11 which includes Adam & Eve, Cain & Abel, Noah, and the Tower of Babel.  Today I started the first week of Creation Restored which starts telling the story of Abram.

If you aren't familiar with the story of Abram, basically God makes a covenant with him that all His people (including the Messiah) will come through Abram and he changes his name to Abraham (Father Abraham had many sons, many sons had father Abraham..remember that song?)

But the study first has us look and who Abraham (Abram) and Sarah (Sarai) were when God chose them.  Basically they were on their way to a city that worshiped idols and they could not have children.  They were "barren"- Abram spiritually and Sarai physically.

The study asks "...wonder why God would chose to work through such a couple instead of picking out a man and a woman who better represented the best of what human beings can achieve."  It goes on to say that "...such things don't come from the righteousness of people, or the accomplishment of people, of from being born into the right bloodline." God does not choose us based on the world's standards of worthiness.

It goes on to discuss barrenness   Which I could really relate to right now and when you are in the midst of it leaves you pretty hopeless.  Barrenness isn't just not being able to have children, but feeling like your life is empty and lacking faith and just feeling, well, barren and in the midst of a desert.

So what gives us hope in the midst of "barrenness"?  Faith.  Here's another quote from the study- "Faith isn't an attempt to give us the look of morality.  That's not faith at all.  That isn't Christianity either.  Having faith in God means letting go of everything that our hands are grasping so tightly in our effort to find identity and security- yes, even seemingly good things- and looking toward God to keep us instead."

It goes on to discuss how God asked him to go but didn't tell him where to go.  And even worse, Abraham never got to see with his own eyes the fulfillment of God's promises.  Ten years after God had promised him "descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky", he and Sarah were still childless and old.  "...the gap between the promise and their fulfillment was starting to wear on him." (and us!)  He complained to God that he was childless and old and would have no heir like God had promised.

I loved this passage from the study:
"I can't think of a single person who would have a hard time relating to Abraham here.  We've all felt dissatisfied with some of God's promises.  He promised to never leave or forsake us, for example, but there are definitely times we feel like we've been on our own for a while.  He promised to conform us to the image of His Son, but we can't seem to get free from the power of sin.  He promised to hear us when we cry out to Him, but there are times when the sky feels like brass, bouncing back our prayers."

That is exactly how I have been feeling lately.

Thank God for this message at just the right time.

The study goes on to ponder "can't God give us something like the sign He gave to Abraham?...how can we know, like Abraham knew, that God will keep His promises?  Here is the answer:

"And He took bread, gave thanks, broke it, gave it to them, and said, "This is My body, which is given for you.  Do this in remembrance of Me." In the same way He also took the cup after supper and said, "This cup is the new covenant established by My blood; it is shed for you" (Luke 22:19-20)

That is what I am going to be focusing on this Lent season.  Not the suffering because I have been up to my eyeballs wallowing in self-pity for my "suffering".  And even though it is but a scratch compared to Christ sufferings, my faith cannot withstand focusing on suffering right now.

So I am focusing on the gift.  And the promise.  And knowing that at times like this when my faith is weak and I'm so distracted by the things of this world, that someone has already believed and trusted perfectly for me.  Thank God!  So thankful for Jesus!  So thankful for this study.

And I'm so incredibly thankful for my Bible study girls and other girl friends this week who held me up with prayer and encouragement when I was weak.  If you think you can walk this journey of faith alone, I am telling you, you can't.  You need others to remind you of truth constantly and hold you up and encourage you when the world beats you down.  Find a church and/or small group to live your life with and study God's word with.  It makes all the difference in the world!

The Bachelor episode that made me want to punch someone in the face

Ok so prior to tonight's episode of The Bachelor I admit I was a little emotionally unstable.  I might have cried in the car on my way home from work.  I've told you guys for the last few months I have felt frustrated and it hasn't gotten any better.  It seems like every day either God or the devil or fate or whoever just keeps poking me...like let's see how far we can push this girl before she breaks.

So when within the first five minutes of the episode when Tierra calls Ashlee a "cougar" and taunts "She's 32 years old.  Why isn't she settled down?" It made me want to punch her and cry at the same time.

I am 32.  I'm not settled down.  And I don't f-ing know why ok?!  It may be because I wasted too much of my time on losers in my teens and twenties.  It may be because I am too afraid to put myself out there because I've had my heart broken one too many times.  It may be because I'm a hopeless romantic and haven't found my movie love. And yeah maybe movie love doesn't exist.  It may be because I made a few mistakes.  It may be because I was focused on working and building my own life.  It may be because maybe my first love was my soul mate and he died way too early.  It may be because I'm not pretty enough...not outgoing enough...not slutty enough...too selfish...too lazy...too quiet...i.don't.know.

But I feel like that is what everyone thinks of me.  That something is wrong with me because I'm not married.  Trust me I want to get married.  I want to have a family.  But if I admit that I am too desperate and if I try to deny it then I'm just a sad spinster.  So what the hell do I do?

I often wonder the same thing "Why am I still single?"  "Is something wrong with me?"  "Am I too far past my prime that it will never happen now?"

Tierra brings up Ashlee being 32 again when blaming everything that is going bad for her on everyone else.  She again implies that something is wrong with her for not being settled down already and I just wanted to scream "I hope you never freaking get married Tierra!!!!"  Life does not always go by plan.  Just because you aren't settled down by 30 it doesn't mean that something is wrong with you or "you aren't good with men".

Oh man!  What a way to make single girls feel like crap during the week of Valentine's Day.  I hope Tierra goes in to the witness protection program or something because I know if I ever run into her I will have to give her a good hard b**** slap for single gals everywhere. (and no I have never slapped anyone, but she would totally be worth it.)

I hope she is seriously embarrassed by her behavior on the show (doubtful) and I can't wait to see what she has to say on the women tell all show ($100 bucks she's too chicken to show her face).  And I'm sure if she doesn't show up, it will be the girls fault.

Tierra you suck!

List progress and second thoughts

Since I marked off #27- Read the Bible all through, I now only have 3 things left on my list!

1. Get in the best shape of my life
10. Catch a fish
26. Kiss in the rain

I am so close I can taste it!  Obviously I did not meet my goal of doing all these before I was 30 (because I am 32 now) but that is ok.  30 is not the end of the world I thought it would be.  Neither was 31 or 32.  At least I am still making progress and not giving up on the things want to do just because some self-imposed deadline has passed.

When I was reviewing the list there was one that I wondered if I should re-consider.  I marked off #6- Ask out a crush two years ago.  I marked it off without doing it.  Why?  Well here is an except from the post I wrote about it:

"...  It’s not because I did not have the guts to do it.  It’s because I am old fashioned and I refuse to let the guy get off easy.  I mean I want a man, not a boy.  I want this man to be the man in the relationship with me and to set the tone from the beginning by asking ME out on a proper date.  A man should know what he wants and the proper way to ask a girl he likes out for a date.  I refuse to date boys who do not know who they are or what they want anymore because in my experience that only ends up hurting me in the end.  They either cheat on you or leave you to see if there is something better out there or they treat you like crap because they don’t know how to treat a woman.  It’s time to grow up.  I’m sure your mothers taught you how to treat a lady, so start doing it.

I’m all for equal rights and think women can do just about anything a man can do (sometimes better).  But I’m ok with being the girl.  I WANT to be the girl.  And I want the man I am with to treat me like a girl- a smart, wonderful, beautiful, funny girl that he thinks is just amazing- not a doormat or a housekeeper, but a partner that he wants to help, protect, and enjoy life with.  

And I want him to be the man.  I want him to be decisive and be the leader in our relationship.  I want to look at him with pride and support him in anything he wants to do.  I want him to respect my opinion and come to me when the world has beaten him down for the comfort he needs.  I’m a lady and I expect my husband to be a gentleman and treat me like a lady.  And that includes him asking ME out. 

I think I was so opposed to this and fought this natural urge for so long because society kept telling me if I was a “strong independent modern woman” I should be asking guys out left and right.  But I think that I am still a strong, independent modern woman who wants a man to be a man and to ask me out if he is into me.  What is so wrong with that?

I’m not saying this is what is right for everyone.  I know lots of married couples where the girl was the first one to make the move.  All I am saying is this is what’s right for me.  And I am finally just accepting that and saying I don’t care what society tells me, this is what I want.

And that is why I am marking it off the list even though I haven’t completed it.  And I am perfectly ok with that.  It doesn’t mean that I failed.  I just figured out that wasn't what I really wanted so why do it just because of the list?  It’s ok to figure out you were wrong about something, right?"

I still feel this way, but I realize I am kind of wishy-washy sometimes.  I mean just a few weeks ago I was blogging about how I wanted a boy who still likes to be silly and have fun.  I mean am I asking too much?  expecting too much?  I know lots of people who ended up together because the girl made the first move.  Is there a reason I put this on the list?

Do I need to reconsider?  Or was I right the first time?  Should I stick to my guns and hold out for a guy that has guts??

Thoughts???

I like this

I smiled. I squealed. I cried. I like this a lot.  Definitely worth watching.

Blue

I've been a little blue lately.  I had a crappy week last week due to a million little things. And this week I am getting sick.  I am really trying to fight the urge to complain...but that is what a blog is for right?

I still need to do a post about my San Diego (yes I went back) and Vegas trips 2 weeks ago.  But not tonight.

I need to update the bookshelf blog with the two books I read on my trip.  But not tonight.

I still owe Heidi a guest post for her blog.  But not tonight.  (sorry Heidi!)

My to-do list and inbox for work are out of control and I need to reign them back in.  But not tonight.

Tonight I am sulky because I am getting sick, just had a crappy week, and I just want a boy.

I want a boy to give me a long hug and kiss the top of my head and tell me everything is going to be ok.

I want a boy to bring me home a bag of peanut M&Ms because he knows I've had a bad day.

I want a boy to go to a haunted house/hay ride/corn maze with me.

I want a boy to go to the fair with me and win me a stupid prize from one of those stupid games even though I think they are a rip off.

I should say I want a man and I do, but I also want him to have some boy left in him that likes to do stupidly sweet things for me and be silly with me.

Oh well I am sure it will pass but lately I've just been kind of blue about everything.

To crush or not to crush?

I am sorry I have not been blogging much lately.  You see my mind has been a little preoccupied...

I have a crush.  I full blown crush.  At first it was kind of exciting.  Getting butterflies.  Flirting.  Day dreaming.  But now it has become overwhelming.  I hate it actually.  As much as I want something to happen with the crush, I am SO afraid of something real happening.  I can't take getting hurt again.  I can't take losing a best friend again.  Sometimes it is better to keep it all in your head.  Until that is all that is in your head!

Maybe I have built him up too much in my head?

Maybe I have read too much in to the situation and he really isn't in to me at all?

Maybe something could happen but then it wouldn't work out and I'd be devastated?

What if he doesn't love Jesus?

Does he know that I like him?

Should I be doing something to try to get him?

What if he does know but he doesn't like me?

What if he's just not that in to me?

What if he is into me but is just too shy or hasn't seen a opportunity to do anything?

Source: whysosiirious.tumblr.com via ncsuz on Pinterest

And talk about insecurities.  I have so many insecurities.  About my body.  About my awkwardness.  About my conversation skills.  About my flirting abilities.

I've always had this crush problem.  I've had intense crushes since middle school.  I used to make up code-names for them all so that I could talk about them with my friends without anyone knowing who we were talking about.

In fact #6 on my list was "ask out a crush".  But I wrote HERE about why I was crossing that one off the list without doing it.  But maybe I should reconsider?  hmmm highly unlikely...

I wish I could just turn it off.  Just go back to a time when I didn't have a crush on this person and everything was normal.  Ahh I remember that time.  It was so much less stressful.

Maybe I want something to happen.  Maybe I don't.  Either way I wish it would move in one direction or the other because right now I am just consumed.

Since I am so consumed and cannot form coherent thoughts in my head, I have lined up a fabulous guest blogger for tomorrow.

And if any of you readers would like to guest blog this week while I try to get this crush situation under control, please let me know!

Need a good cry?

I watched this video earlier this week.  It made me cry.  You've been warned...have your tissues handy.

I will wait for Him

A girl in my Bible study shared this on Facebook and I just had to post it here because it is so good and I can relate so much.  It's a little long, but well worth watching!



I need to watch this everyday to remind me of the TRUTH.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from it:

"I was going to make him The One"  (oh yes, that was/is totally me)

"Arteries so clogged with my will it blocks His will from flowing through me."

"The bad thing is, I knew he wasn't you from the beginning.  Because in the beginning was the Word and he didn't even sound or shine like Your Son."

"Cause I have thoughts I've "saved as" in a file that God has only equipped you to open."

"I will no longer get weighted down from the so-called friends and family talks about the concern for my biological clock when I serve the Author of Time."

At the end of the day, I'm single and THAT'S OK.  Whether "he" (AKA "The One") is out there or not, I will be ok because He is the author of my life, not me.  And He works for the good of all those who love him!

Another Love Story

I HAD to share this with you today.  You all know I am a hopeless romantic (emphasis on the word hopeless).  I came across this video on It Must Be (so) Liberating  I just discovered her blog recently.  She lives in Madrid! (Can I come visit!?) And I am so looking forward to following along with her adventures.

This video is so so good!  I hope no one noticed me crying at my desk watching it.  It is a little long, but so worth a watch!



Stuff like this renews my hope for some reason.  I just know my husband is out there.  God has perfect timing and He is probably using this time to mold and shape us to fit perfectly into each others lives.

Dear Future Husband,

I have waited so long for you.  But it is good because had I met you any earlier I probably wouldn't have treated you very well or even have wanted you at all (I was pretty selfish in my 20's).  Now I can not wait to freaking meet you!  I cannot wait to discover our love story!  Hope to see you soon!

Love,
Suz

Ok I'm waving the white flag. I do need a man.

This has not been a very good week.  I have been in a FUNK.  I'm negative nelly.  I'm pessimistic.  I'm complaining.  I have a short fuse with people.  I am frustrated at work.  I am frustrated at home.  My friends seem like they are miles away (even though I know they aren't).  Something is just off.

I was g-chatting with one of my friends yesterday and said "Sometimes don't you just want someone to go home to that will give you a great big hug and tell you everything will be ok?"  And by "someone" I meant a boy.  No, I'm sorry, a man.  I have decided I am so over boys.  Maybe. I think I want a man that can still be a boy sometimes.  I'm picky.  Actually I probably don't even know what I want anymore.

Back to the point.  I need a hug.  A MAN hug.  Not a hug from a friend.  Or my dog.  Or even my mom.  But a big strong man hug and maybe a kiss on the top of my head.  Actually I need way more than that, but I would settle for a good hug and a "keep your chin up kiddo".

Y'all if I ever do get married (and at this point I almost can't imagine it ever happening) but if I do.  I will remember these days.  I will remember when there was no one there to give me a hug and tell me it will all be ok and remembering these days will help me be so much more appreciative and never ever take him for granted.

So yes, even though I am a strong, independent woman, I am waving the white flag and admitting it...I do need a man.

Funny side note- lately when I have found myself in situations where a husband would be helpful I will say out loud "See God this is why I need a husband."  Well yesterday I was trying to open a pickle jar.  I twisted and turned and banged it on the counter and squeeled and finally sat it down frustrated and said "See God this is why I need a husband".  Well wouldn't you know...when I picked it back up and twisted the lid, it popped right off.  I guess God heard me.

Another side note- I am going to go ahead and predict that tomorrow is going to SUCK.  I am getting ready to switch insurance plans.  I am probably going to go with a high deductible plan.so I am on a mission to make sure nothing is wrong with me (medically speaking) before Friday.  I went to my regular doctor today for a physical.  But I had to make an appointment to come back for the blood work.  The only appointment they had before Friday is tomorrow at 1:30 pm.  Problem is- you have to fast for at least 8 hours before the blood work.

So I am going to have to get up at 5 am tomorrow (did I mention I have insomnia and am definitely NOT a morning person. AT. ALL.) to eat breakfast.  Then I can not eat again until after my appointment.  It is going to suck.  I am already cranky.  I'm getting even more cranky just thinking about it.

Ok, I'm going to stop spewing my negativity all over my blog for now.  Hopefully the funk will lift soon!  Until then I will try to keep the complaining to a minimum. Hope you all are having a better week than me!

Girl vs. Woman

I hate being called ma’am. When did I become a ma’am? It makes me feel old.

But you know what? I am old(er). I’ll be 31 in just a few days. Actually IN my thirties! It’s kind of scary, but it’s good too. I’m starting to see myself as more of a woman than a girl. I still have a lot of girl in me, but I think I have also matured into a strong, beautiful woman. I’m not going to try to pretend I know all the answers to life or anything because I don’t, but I’m a lot more of a woman and a lot less of a girl than I was five years ago.

Girls are insecure but may not always recognize it and try to hide it.

Women are less insecure but are much more open about their insecurities.

Girls HAVE to have the attention of boys and will do almost anything to get it.

Women like the attention of a man, but won’t compromise themselves to get it.

Girls want fantasy land where the prince sweeps them off their feet and they live happily ever after.

Women want a good life with a man they love and can build a life with- the good and the bad.

Girls will throw caution to the wind for the sake of a good time.

Women like to have fun, but think about how their actions may affect their future.

Girls will go into debt for the sake of fashion.

Women will forsake fashion to get closer to financial freedom (or at least financial stability).

Girls will talk about you behind your back but never tell it to your face.

Women try not to talk behind your back and have more courage to tell you what they think.

Girls are more about themselves than others.

Women are more about others than themselves.

There is nothing wrong with being a girl. We are all girls before we are women. I sometimes miss that carefree girl I was in my twenties. But I am embracing this new phase of my life. It’s not a bad transition, just different. I am finally learning to embrace being a woman and letting go of some of the girl in me.

I’m also starting to realize this is my life and no one else’s. Their path won't always fit mine and my path won’t fit theirs. We all have to make our own way. Sometimes we are lucky enough to have people going along that same path with us and sometimes we walk alone. You learn a lot when you get lost. Sometimes you run. Sometimes you need to stay still for a while and rest. The days seem to matter so much, but really it is the years that give you the perspective you need. The accumulation of experiences and the passage of time really show you how far you’ve come. And a day is just a day. Problems that seem so huge look so tiny when you see them in the rearview mirror. All you can do is do the best you can, help others, and have fun along the way.

(This post was semi-inspired today by this post about How to Live a Great Love Story. My love life seems so hard and sometimes hopeless and right now pretty much non-existent, but that post made me realize how much I’ve changed over the last few years and that even though it may not be easy, hopefully in the end it will be worth it.  And you know what, even if I never find love again, I've had a love story.  It was short and yes, I think life will be hard alone, but it's ok.  I'm not so afraid anymore.  Either way, life will go on.)

Blogging Break

I took a little break from blogging. First I got some really crappy anonymous comments. Most of them I didn’t even publish. Some bothered me, but some I just laughed at. I’m blocking anonymous comments from my blog now because if you feel the need to leave a hateful comment, you should at least have to put your name. I know not everyone will always love and agree with me and I love hearing different thoughts and opinions. What I don’t understand is why someone would want to be just hateful towards other people. I just don’t get it. And honestly, it makes you look like a jerk. There are better, more effective and respectful ways to voice your opinions. That’s all I am going to say about that.

Then I had a few crazy things happen that would make great stories on here, but they were things I was a little embarrassed about. They would be great to share so you guys could learn from my mistakes. And they would definitely make you laugh, but in the end I decided not to share them on here because I don’t need to put everything out there. It is ok to keep some things just between me and my real life friends.

Anyway, I just got back from the first annual crew beach trip. I freaking love my friends. We are like one big fun, crazy family. We had a great time! It went by way too fast. Now I am back to the daily grind. Every weekend between now and the end of August is booked, so I feel like the rest of the summer is going to fly by!

I also just found out my ex got married to someone I went to high school with. It is weird and really ironic because I’m from a small town over 3 hours away which my ex had no ties to. His cousin works where I take my dog for boarding, so when I was dropping him off she says “You know (your ex) got married last weekend?” (why, why did she feel the need to tell me this??) I just said “oh really, wow, well tell him I said congratulations.” Then she goes on and on about how nice she is and how she is even more country than him and that they got married in Morganton, NC. At that I was like “What?! that is where I am from!” She said yeah, she is from there too apparently. I don’t know why that bothered me so much. I think it was because I love Morganton and would totally love to get married there, but my mom retired and moved to High Point, so now there would be no reason for me to go back there to get married. I looked up his now wife’s name through his Facebook and it was a very unique first name so I was able to figure out who she was. She was one year behind me in school…which is weird because he was way older than me, but whatever. Ok, moving on…I’m trying not to think about it too much.

I am getting a little depressed because I have been battling with negative thoughts, the hater comments I got, and the pressure to finish the list in the next month (which I do not think is going to happen). Some days I am on a high and think “Man, this is a great life!” but some days suck. I’m struggling with whether or not I should keep opening myself up on this blog. Is it worth it? Do I still enjoy it? I don’t know. So bear with me because things may be a little sparse around here until I get my head clear.

In the meantime, go check out my recent Bookshelf Blog reviews:

 

The Lincoln Lawyer- 4 out of 5 stars

Commencement- 4 out of 5 stars

Seriously

Weekend Wrap-up

I had a busy weekend. Saturday I barely had time to breathe. I went to the gym, tanning bed (I know it’s terrible but I have to get in a bathing suit in 2 weeks and I need some color!), grocery store, Target, a baby shower (the baby is already here! He was born 11 weeks early and is still in the hospital but doing well), dinner with friends, a birthday party, and saw a little bit of one of my favorite local bands. Sunday was a BEAUTIFUL day but unfortunately I drank too much on Saturday night and spent most of the day recovering from that. I did get to have dinner with two friends I haven’t seen in a while and it was so nice to catch up with them!

But back to Saturday…Every time I drink too much lately I wake up so mad at myself. I am old. I cannot drink like I used to. Saturday night I had no plans to get drunk. I didn’t drink at dinner. When I got to the first bar for the birthday celebration I got a small vodka cranberry and then drank water. But then we went to more of a club type of bar. Upscale, but they were playing booty shakin music. I got a glass of wine. Then they talked me in to taking a tequila shot. But I had finished my wine and needed a chaser so I got another glass of wine. I left to go back to the bar where the friends who I had rode with were shortly after the shot and we still had 30 minutes so I ordered a beer. By the time we left all of that alcohol hit me hard. My friend ended up having to drive me home so the next day I didn’t have my car to go to church and I felt like crap all day long. It is so not worth it. I’m thinking about giving up drinking all together because obviously I still do not know my limits after over 10 years of practice!

Saturday night, while I was at the birthday party, my friends were around the corner in a bar to see a band we go see every once in a while. Our friend’s husband plays in the band. I’ve seen them quite a few times and I’ve developed a crush on one of the guys in the band. I love crushes. They make you all giddy and make you smile just thinking about the object of your admiration. I was only at the bar the band played at for 30 minutes at the end of the night. But I got to admire him from a table right up front and he came up to show us how he hurt his fingers playing that night after the show. I managed to stammer out “that sucks but you sounded really good tonight.” I think that’s the first time I have ever spoken directly to him. I was proud of myself. He is so cute. But my friend doesn’t think he is a good potential. Every guy I seem to get a crush on, my friends always seem to have a different opinion on them. Apparently I have horrible tastes.

Sunday I had dinner with some friends. One of them just discovered the guy she was dating and talking marriage with is apparently a sociopath. I won’t go into all the details, but it was bad. This is the second friend I have had that has dated a full-on crazy jerk within the past 2 years. These guys weren’t you’re your normal jerk of a boyfriend, they were full on crazy mind-controlling, lying, cheating scoundrels that managed to fool and worm their way into the hearts of two very smart friends. That alone makes me even more scared than ever to get in another relationship. I have too many scars on my heart to let anyone in. I’m exhausted and even though I would love to find “The One” and for all of this be over, I am not in the mindset to date at all. I don’t know if I will ever get back there.

Now back to my crazy work week and lots to do…but next week I’m leaving for the annual Crew Ski Trip! I’m so excited to get a break and get away for a while!!! Only 9 more days!

Speed Dating Disater

Saturday night I went with a group of friends from work (including my boss) and one of my BFFs to a speed dating event. I can’t believe I got talked into it in the first place but put on top of that the fact that I had a really bad cold and I got talked in to sneaking in to the older age group- it was a recipe for disaster.
What had happened was…a few weeks ago at one of the regular Thursday Night Happy Hours, my boss suggested that us single ladies go speed dating (we also had some married ladies come along to watch our torture). I’ve given up on dating right now (unless Ryan Reynolds calls to ask me out) but I figured it would be funny and a good bonding time with my co-workers and boss. I was not expecting to meet anyone (even though I might have had a tiny hope my future husband just might be there). Good thing I had low expectations.

We had a wide range of ages in our work crew (late 20s-late 30s/early 40s?) and they only had two age range options: 23-37 or 32-47. Neither of these options were appealing to me. I don’t want to date a 23 year old just getting out of college and figuring themselves out, but I don’t want to date someone in their 40s with grown children either. I know they say age is just a number, but you really do have more in common with someone in your same stage of life. So out of the two we decided to go with the older age range and they were ok with us younger ones coming along even though we were under 32. Big mistake. Most every guy there looked like they were over 40 and some of them might have been over 50. There were a few guys who might have been in their mid 30s, but they were not anyone I would want to date.

The way they had it set up was each girl sat at a numbered table and the guys rotated tables ever 3.5 minutes. There were about 25 guys and 25 girls there. We only got one five minute break. So it was an hour and a half of non-stop talking. Put on top of that the fact that I was really sick and had almost no voice. I wanted to die. It was exhausting and needless to say I marked no to every guy I met which earned me a free pass to go to another event (oh joy).

We had no idea what to expect, but it was what you would expect if you really thought about it. Most of the girls I saw were pretty attractive but the dudes…um no. There were about 2 handsome ones but even they seemed creepy and I know for a fact one of them was 40. Most of the guys worked in IT and had cheesy lines and not much of a life. About 5 of the guys were ok and normal, but no one I would want to date.
Here are some lowlights from the night: I asked one guy what he liked to do in his free time and he said “smoke pot” and he was totally serious. Another probably lived with his mom. Another asked me what my deal breakers were as soon as he walked up to the table. Another one told me his 16 year old daughter had signed him up for this. Another guy told me he hadn’t worked in the last two years and another one just sat there and with a huge creepy smile and answered my questions in barely a whisper of a voice. I think he probably had some kind of mental disability.

By the end of the night I was soooo exhausted, fully creeped out, and had no voice. But we got some good laughs out of it, so I guess it wasn’t a complete waste. But yeah, in case you were ever wondering about speed dating, this girl gives it two thumbs down.

Have you ever tried speed dating?

Always wanting the one thing you don't have

It's been almost 2 weeks and Bailey still is not home.  That is all I want right now is for Bailey to come home.  I pray and pray and search and call his name but still nothing.  No sightings.  And part of me is like God could part the Red Sea, why can't he just bring home my cat?

But then I think about all the prayers God has answered- I love my job (yes, I finally admit it...I'm in love.  It makes me smile just driving in and seeing the company sign welcoming me...it's sick I know), I'm not in a financial hardship anymore, I was able to go on a mission trip, I was able to run my 5K two weekends ago without taking any walking breaks, tons of prayers for others have been answered- why is it always the things God is silent on that I hold against him?

First it was finding my husband.  Why couldn't God just let me bump into him at the grocery store?  Why did I have to endure all these sucky relationships?  I used to pray for God to send me my husband every day.  But it isn't as urgent now.  I'm lucky if I remember once or twice a week.  (Ryan Reynolds is back on the market though....I think that is why I couldn't find my husband before, but now he's available!  YES!)

Now my constant prayer is for Bailey to come home.  I sometimes ignore everything else and wonder why I can't have this one thing.  Why is it always the one thing you don't have that takes away all the glory of what you do have?

In other news- I haven't put up my tree.  I haven't shopped.  I haven't sent out the gifts I have for people far away.  I didn't do Christmas cards.  I have no idea what to cook for Christmas dinner and Christmas is almost here!  This is my last weekend to catch up!  I'm starting to feel the holiday stress!

One Word: Faith

I’ve joined Reverb 10, an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. The end of the year is an opportunity to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead.  Each day, we get a new prompt and post a blog sharing what the prompt means to us.  You should join in too!

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

Faith.

“To take the first step in faith, you don’t have to see the whole staircase: just take the first step.” 
-Martin Luther King Jr.

My life now is very different from when I started this year.   I have a different job.  I have traveled to a different country.  The person I used to talk to everyday, I no longer speak to.  I was stressed and broke and now I am stressed (but in a good way) and not so broke.  I probably couldn’t run a mile or lift more than 20 lbs.  But now I am stronger from weekly weight lifting and am running 3.1 miles this Saturday.  It has been quite a year.

But the most defining theme for me this year has been faith.  I was in no position financially to sign up for a mission trip last January, but I had faith that God would provide a way and He did!  (A lot of it thanks to you readers!  I am still so shocked and humbled by the generosity, love, and faith you guys have!).  And I got to experience God half a world away, saw a different culture and country, overcame my fear of the middle seat and long distance flying, got to get to know some really awesome kids, broke down some of my missionary and middle east stereotypes, and bonded with some awesome members of my church.

Last year I was so broke.  It was worse than paycheck to paycheck kind of broke.  It was to the point of “I’ve cut almost everything that is not an absolute need from my life” kind of broke.  I was so stressed and depressed about it.  I loved my job, but it just did not pay enough to cover the bills.  I didn’t want to leave, but I knew something had to change.  Now I have a job I really, really like.  It is hard for me to admit when I am in love, but I think I might love this job.  Monday we had free massages and smoothies at work!  How cool is that?!  It is stressful and a lot of work, but it is also fun, challenging, and satisfying.  And it literally dropped out of the sky.  I had not applied to this job.  I randomly got a call about it on a Tuesday and less than a week later I had the job!  From being miserable at a job, to being laid off, to being broke, to being happy…it’s been quite a journey over the last 2 years and the whole time I had to have faith that I was right where God wanted me to be.  And now He has put me here and I love it!

But it all hasn’t been good.  The one area my faith has really been tested is in the romance department.  So much so that I have given up on dating for now.  I have been so disappointed in this department.  I used to believe so much in true love and that I would find my prince charming.  But the experiences I have had with guys over the last 12 years have beaten all the hope out of me.  I want it to come back.  I want to believe that God, knowing how important this is to me, would not abandon me in this area, but right now I don’t.  I hope it comes back.  I hope I believe in love again.  I hope I can trust again.  I hope I can have faith that God hears my prayers for a husband and family again.  But it is going to take some time.

The word that I hope encompasses 2011 for me is Unexpected.  I need some surprises.  I need to experience some out-of-the-ordinary events to remind me there are things I don’t know yet about this world and life.

What would be your word for 2010?

Random Thoughts Thursday

Thank you all for your kind comments on my last post.  I know it was probably pretty depressing but it wasn't meant to be.  I'm just done.  People don't want to lose hope in Love.  Love is what our culture revolves around.  Romantic love seems to be the be all end all in life. Getting married or having babies are the only times a person is really celebrated in life.  It's a culture thing.  But seriously...there are people in the world who have never been married and never had kids.  They have lived their life without ever experiencing these things.  Does that make them less than?  Because they didn't meet "the goal" of life?  I'm just tired of all the pressure and all the disappointment.  I'm tired of all the wasted effort.  I tried of hope being crushed.  I'm tried of the anticipation.  I'm tired of wondering what is wrong with me that I can't seem to get this love thing right.  So I am giving up for now.  It might be forever, but you never know.  You know how fickle the human heart can be!  But for now I am totally content with my choice and feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me!!

I'm still a hopeless romantic though and I am loving the previews for Love and Other Drugs!  Have you seen them?  It looks like an awesome movie!  And Jake Gyllenhaal??  Yes please!!

I don't have much else to say because I'm swamped at work and can't seem to get much more out of my brain right now.

But here are some great posts I've read this week by others:

Encouragement in Suffering #1- Zoom Out via thoughts from fabs

This was a great reminder at how insignificant our problems are in the grand scheme of things.  It isn't the end of the world.  Enduring suffering is a great skill to build.  Life will not always be pretty, but remember one day, one month, or even one year is a small period of time in the bigger picture of your life which is just a tiny part in all of eternity. What do you guys think?  What are some things that help you get through bad times?

Dear True Love via Miss Priss 

It's like she read my mind.  I've been having these thoughts lately.  Wondering if true love even exists or if infatuation just turns in to bliss and then to appreciation and then to settling and then just acceptance.  I mean really with movie love all we really see is the bliss part.  Love has burned me and I'm done with it.  I guess you could say I've given up on love cause love's given up on me.  What do you guys think- Does true love really exist?

What I think about Karen Owens and the Duke F*** List via Tucker Max

Did you guys hear about Karen Owens and her fake thesis making it's rounds on the internet?  She created this fake "thesis" for a few close friends of all the Duke athletes she slept with while in school.  And she went in to detail!  Yes, I am embarrassed to say I read it.  I feel sorry for this girl...for everything.  And surprisingly I LOVE Tucker Max's take on the situation.  For an a-hole, he is pretty smart and I think he hit all the points correctly on this one. What do you guys think her or the situation?  Unfortunate, young, and promiscuous?  Empowered?  Do you feel bad for the guys she "rated"?- yes she showed pictures of them and named names!

Christians and Drinking Alcohol via JD Greear

This was a post made by my pastor earlier this week.  It had 62 comments last time I looked!  Obviously this is a hot button issue.  What do you guys think- Is there a reason for Christians to not drink?