Since I marked off #27- Read the Bible all through, I now only have 3 things left on my list!
1. Get in the best shape of my life
10. Catch a fish
26. Kiss in the rain
I am so close I can taste it! Obviously I did not meet my goal of doing all these before I was 30 (because I am 32 now) but that is ok. 30 is not the end of the world I thought it would be. Neither was 31 or 32. At least I am still making progress and not giving up on the things want to do just because some self-imposed deadline has passed.
When I was reviewing the list there was one that I wondered if I should re-consider. I marked off #6- Ask out a crush two years ago. I marked it off without doing it. Why? Well here is an except from the post I wrote about it:
"... It’s not because I did not have the guts to do it. It’s because I am old fashioned and I refuse to let the guy get off easy. I mean I want a man, not a boy. I want this man to be the man in the relationship with me and to set the tone from the beginning by asking ME out on a proper date. A man should know what he wants and the proper way to ask a girl he likes out for a date. I refuse to date boys who do not know who they are or what they want anymore because in my experience that only ends up hurting me in the end. They either cheat on you or leave you to see if there is something better out there or they treat you like crap because they don’t know how to treat a woman. It’s time to grow up. I’m sure your mothers taught you how to treat a lady, so start doing it.
I’m all for equal rights and think women can do just about anything a man can do (sometimes better). But I’m ok with being the girl. I WANT to be the girl. And I want the man I am with to treat me like a girl- a smart, wonderful, beautiful, funny girl that he thinks is just amazing- not a doormat or a housekeeper, but a partner that he wants to help, protect, and enjoy life with.
And I want him to be the man. I want him to be decisive and be the leader in our relationship. I want to look at him with pride and support him in anything he wants to do. I want him to respect my opinion and come to me when the world has beaten him down for the comfort he needs. I’m a lady and I expect my husband to be a gentleman and treat me like a lady. And that includes him asking ME out.
I think I was so opposed to this and fought this natural urge for so long because society kept telling me if I was a “strong independent modern woman” I should be asking guys out left and right. But I think that I am still a strong, independent modern woman who wants a man to be a man and to ask me out if he is into me. What is so wrong with that?
I’m not saying this is what is right for everyone. I know lots of married couples where the girl was the first one to make the move. All I am saying is this is what’s right for me. And I am finally just accepting that and saying I don’t care what society tells me, this is what I want.
And that is why I am marking it off the list even though I haven’t completed it. And I am perfectly ok with that. It doesn’t mean that I failed. I just figured out that wasn't what I really wanted so why do it just because of the list? It’s ok to figure out you were wrong about something, right?"
I still feel this way, but I realize I am kind of wishy-washy sometimes. I mean just a few weeks ago I was blogging about how I wanted a boy who still likes to be silly and have fun. I mean am I asking too much? expecting too much? I know lots of people who ended up together because the girl made the first move. Is there a reason I put this on the list?
Do I need to reconsider? Or was I right the first time? Should I stick to my guns and hold out for a guy that has guts??
Thoughts???
Showing posts with label #6- ask out a crush. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #6- ask out a crush. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
To crush or not to crush?
I am sorry I have not been blogging much lately. You see my mind has been a little preoccupied...
I have a crush. I full blown crush. At first it was kind of exciting. Getting butterflies. Flirting. Day dreaming. But now it has become overwhelming. I hate it actually. As much as I want something to happen with the crush, I am SO afraid of something real happening. I can't take getting hurt again. I can't take losing a best friend again. Sometimes it is better to keep it all in your head. Until that is all that is in your head!
Maybe I have built him up too much in my head?
Maybe I have read too much in to the situation and he really isn't in to me at all?
Maybe something could happen but then it wouldn't work out and I'd be devastated?
What if he doesn't love Jesus?
Does he know that I like him?
Should I be doing something to try to get him?
What if he does know but he doesn't like me?
What if he's just not that in to me?
What if he is into me but is just too shy or hasn't seen a opportunity to do anything?
And talk about insecurities. I have so many insecurities. About my body. About my awkwardness. About my conversation skills. About my flirting abilities.
I've always had this crush problem. I've had intense crushes since middle school. I used to make up code-names for them all so that I could talk about them with my friends without anyone knowing who we were talking about.
In fact #6 on my list was "ask out a crush". But I wrote HERE about why I was crossing that one off the list without doing it. But maybe I should reconsider? hmmm highly unlikely...
I wish I could just turn it off. Just go back to a time when I didn't have a crush on this person and everything was normal. Ahh I remember that time. It was so much less stressful.
Maybe I want something to happen. Maybe I don't. Either way I wish it would move in one direction or the other because right now I am just consumed.
Since I am so consumed and cannot form coherent thoughts in my head, I have lined up a fabulous guest blogger for tomorrow.
And if any of you readers would like to guest blog this week while I try to get this crush situation under control, please let me know!
I have a crush. I full blown crush. At first it was kind of exciting. Getting butterflies. Flirting. Day dreaming. But now it has become overwhelming. I hate it actually. As much as I want something to happen with the crush, I am SO afraid of something real happening. I can't take getting hurt again. I can't take losing a best friend again. Sometimes it is better to keep it all in your head. Until that is all that is in your head!
Maybe I have built him up too much in my head?
Maybe I have read too much in to the situation and he really isn't in to me at all?
Maybe something could happen but then it wouldn't work out and I'd be devastated?
What if he doesn't love Jesus?
Does he know that I like him?
Should I be doing something to try to get him?
What if he does know but he doesn't like me?
What if he's just not that in to me?
What if he is into me but is just too shy or hasn't seen a opportunity to do anything?
And talk about insecurities. I have so many insecurities. About my body. About my awkwardness. About my conversation skills. About my flirting abilities.
I've always had this crush problem. I've had intense crushes since middle school. I used to make up code-names for them all so that I could talk about them with my friends without anyone knowing who we were talking about.
In fact #6 on my list was "ask out a crush". But I wrote HERE about why I was crossing that one off the list without doing it. But maybe I should reconsider? hmmm highly unlikely...
I wish I could just turn it off. Just go back to a time when I didn't have a crush on this person and everything was normal. Ahh I remember that time. It was so much less stressful.
Maybe I want something to happen. Maybe I don't. Either way I wish it would move in one direction or the other because right now I am just consumed.
Since I am so consumed and cannot form coherent thoughts in my head, I have lined up a fabulous guest blogger for tomorrow.
And if any of you readers would like to guest blog this week while I try to get this crush situation under control, please let me know!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Why I'm not going to ask out a crush
Rarely did these crushes ever turn in to actual relationships, but really I don’t think they should. Most of the time the crushes were just because you thought a guy was “so cute” and relationships built on looks alone hardly ever work out.
But since I had such a crush thing going on, I thought I should add “ask out a crush” to my 30 Before 30 list.
I’ve asked guys out before, but it was never someone I had not been out with already- except for some “non-dates” I had to ask to functions such as formals, or rehearsal dinners and other occasions that require a “date”. And for those I always asked guys I did not have a crush on but someone I knew I would be comfortable with and have fun with.
For some reason I could never ask out a crush.
But now I know why. It’s not because I did not have the guts to do it. It’s because I am old fashioned and I refuse to let the guy get off easy. I mean I want a man, not a boy. I want this man to be the man in the relationship with me and to set the tone from the beginning by asking ME out on a proper date. A man should know what he wants and the proper way to ask a girl he likes out for a date. I refuse to date boys who do not know who they are or what they want anymore because in my experience that only ends up hurting me in the end. They either cheat on you or leave you to see if there is something better out there or they treat you like crap because they don’t know how to treat a woman. It’s time to grow up. I’m sure your mothers taught you how to treat a lady, so start doing it.
I’m all for equal rights and think women can do just about anything a man can do (sometimes better). But I’m ok with being the girl. I WANT to be the girl. And I want the man I am with to treat me like a girl- a smart, wonderful, beautiful, funny girl that he thinks is just amazing- not a doormat or a housekeeper, but a partner that he wants to help, protect, and enjoy life with.
And I want him to be the man. I want him to be decisive and be the leader in our relationship. I want to look at him with pride and support him in anything he wants to do. I want him to respect my opinion and come to me when the world has beaten him down for the comfort he needs. I’m a lady and I expect my husband to be a gentleman and treat me like a lady. And that includes him asking ME out.
I think I was so opposed to this and fought this natural urge for so long because society kept telling me if I was a “strong independent modern woman” I should be asking guys out left and right. But I think that I am still a strong, independent modern woman who wants a man to be a man and to ask me out if he is into me. What is so wrong with that?
I’m not saying this is what is right for everyone. I know lots of married couples where the girl was the first one to make the move. All I am saying is this is what’s right for me. And I am finally just accepting that and saying I don’t care what society tells me, this is what I want.
And that is why I am marking it off the list even though I haven’t completed it. And I am perfectly ok with that. It doesn’t mean that I failed. I just figured out that wasn’t what I really wanted so why do it just because of the list? It’s ok to figure out you were wrong about something, right?
Sunday, June 27, 2010
I'm thinking about taking something off The List
Despite the fact that my AC decided to stop working and I am going to have to sleep downstairs on the couch tonight because it is like a million degrees upstairs AND I have to wake up and get 4 shots in the morning, it was still a great weekend!
Friday I went and hung out with my BFF and my favorite 4 year old. He is so stinking cute. While I was over there he runs up to his grandpa in the kitchen and says "Popa I have a Susan!" It was so cute! I think a Susan is a very good thing to have and I am happy to be his Susan!
Saturday was another surprise party! Yes, I know we just had one, but they are so much fun. This time it was for my friend's 30th birthday and it was an 80's theme! Normally I don't like dressing up too much, but I decided to put some effort in to it. I tight rolled my jeans, wore a bright orange shirt with a bright green tank top, big hoop earrings, zebra print stilettos and put my hair half up in side pony tail thing. I was glad I dressed up because just about every girl there dressed up and some of the guys too! It was hilarious!
We are just so goofy and comfortable with each other...it really is like we are family. We were dancing our butts off to "Come on Eileen" in the garage and then we had a dance off to 80's music in the living room. The boys were hilarious! They were busting out moves like "the sprinkler" and "the shopping cart". The birthday girl did the whole "She's a maniac" thing from Fame. It was so much fun!
Most of us ended up on the back porch towards the end of the night and somehow everyone was going around telling stories of how they met their significant other. Well, in my group of friends the boys sure do like to pick on me. So they ask my crush "So tell us about the first time you met Susan!" (This was not the first embarrassing reference they had made about the crush that night. They picked on where we disappeared to last time...I swear I want to kill them sometimes.) He immediately laughed and said "She raped my ear!"
I met him a few years ago when we all went down to Savannah for Saint Patrick's Day. We all got wasted one night and had to get a van back to the house. I apparently made out with his ear while he was practically passed out in the van. I can barely remember that night, but no one will ever let us forget how I "raped" his ear! It has been a joke for years. I'm glad he is such a good sport because with any other guy I would have died of embarrassment years ago!
Unfortunately the night ended very badly. Two of the brothers got in a fist fight and one of them had a cut so deep above his eye that we thought he might have to get stitches. The brothers have fought before but that was the worst fight I've seen. I got up and went inside because I knew it was coming. One was pushing the other one's buttons and would not stop and they were both drunk and I could just feel the air getting tense. I won't go in to details but it was bad and I hate that is how the night ended because it was such a good night up to that point.
This weekend also got me thinking about the list. I turn 30 in a little over a month. I have a lot to mark off, but I think I am going to get most of them. And whatever I don't I will just move to my 40 Before 40 List.
I am thinking about taking one off though. I don't think I want to "ask out a crush". I have had ample opportunity to ask out a crush over the last few weeks (or at least make out with him) but I have no desire to. We flirt with each other and have fun, but I don't want to go any further than that. I don't know if it is because I see him more as a friend now or what, but I think it has more to do with the fact that I want the guy I'm going to be with to have the guts to ask me out if he likes me. I'm the girl and I want the guy I marry to treat me like a girl and court me. If I was just looking for a date, fine, I would ask out the crush. But I have given up on dating. I have no desire to get in another dead end relationship. I would rather be alone. When I do meet the one I want him to like me so much he won't hesitate to ask me out or "chase" me. Until then I can just enjoy flirting with the crush and dancing with random boys. That's more fun than all the drama anyway!
What do you think? Should I take that one off the list?
Friday I went and hung out with my BFF and my favorite 4 year old. He is so stinking cute. While I was over there he runs up to his grandpa in the kitchen and says "Popa I have a Susan!" It was so cute! I think a Susan is a very good thing to have and I am happy to be his Susan!
Saturday was another surprise party! Yes, I know we just had one, but they are so much fun. This time it was for my friend's 30th birthday and it was an 80's theme! Normally I don't like dressing up too much, but I decided to put some effort in to it. I tight rolled my jeans, wore a bright orange shirt with a bright green tank top, big hoop earrings, zebra print stilettos and put my hair half up in side pony tail thing. I was glad I dressed up because just about every girl there dressed up and some of the guys too! It was hilarious!
We are just so goofy and comfortable with each other...it really is like we are family. We were dancing our butts off to "Come on Eileen" in the garage and then we had a dance off to 80's music in the living room. The boys were hilarious! They were busting out moves like "the sprinkler" and "the shopping cart". The birthday girl did the whole "She's a maniac" thing from Fame. It was so much fun!
Most of us ended up on the back porch towards the end of the night and somehow everyone was going around telling stories of how they met their significant other. Well, in my group of friends the boys sure do like to pick on me. So they ask my crush "So tell us about the first time you met Susan!" (This was not the first embarrassing reference they had made about the crush that night. They picked on where we disappeared to last time...I swear I want to kill them sometimes.) He immediately laughed and said "She raped my ear!"
I met him a few years ago when we all went down to Savannah for Saint Patrick's Day. We all got wasted one night and had to get a van back to the house. I apparently made out with his ear while he was practically passed out in the van. I can barely remember that night, but no one will ever let us forget how I "raped" his ear! It has been a joke for years. I'm glad he is such a good sport because with any other guy I would have died of embarrassment years ago!
Unfortunately the night ended very badly. Two of the brothers got in a fist fight and one of them had a cut so deep above his eye that we thought he might have to get stitches. The brothers have fought before but that was the worst fight I've seen. I got up and went inside because I knew it was coming. One was pushing the other one's buttons and would not stop and they were both drunk and I could just feel the air getting tense. I won't go in to details but it was bad and I hate that is how the night ended because it was such a good night up to that point.
This weekend also got me thinking about the list. I turn 30 in a little over a month. I have a lot to mark off, but I think I am going to get most of them. And whatever I don't I will just move to my 40 Before 40 List.
I am thinking about taking one off though. I don't think I want to "ask out a crush". I have had ample opportunity to ask out a crush over the last few weeks (or at least make out with him) but I have no desire to. We flirt with each other and have fun, but I don't want to go any further than that. I don't know if it is because I see him more as a friend now or what, but I think it has more to do with the fact that I want the guy I'm going to be with to have the guts to ask me out if he likes me. I'm the girl and I want the guy I marry to treat me like a girl and court me. If I was just looking for a date, fine, I would ask out the crush. But I have given up on dating. I have no desire to get in another dead end relationship. I would rather be alone. When I do meet the one I want him to like me so much he won't hesitate to ask me out or "chase" me. Until then I can just enjoy flirting with the crush and dancing with random boys. That's more fun than all the drama anyway!
What do you think? Should I take that one off the list?
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Long Busy Weekend!
Whew! I have had a very busy last 72 hours!
FRIDAY-
Habitat was fun! We got stuff done a lot more quickly than expected and I was home by 11 am. I tried to go to the pool to lay out, but I have lost my pool key so I had to call to get them to send me a new one. Instead I laid out on my back patio for about 2 hours (it was HOT!) and worked on my laptop. Then I had to go shopping for birthday cards, shower stuff, and presents. I spent about an hour at the bookstore which I just love doing! Bookstores make me about as happy as Target!
SATURDAY-
The Vet:
Saturday morning I took Cam to the vet. He lost some weight! He got a smiley for that. He got shots, a heartworm test, fecal exam, that bordatella up the nose thing, and basically the whole work up. $172 later he got a clean bill of health and a see-ya-next-year. Seriously...why does the vet have to cost so much?!
Baby's Birthday:
Then I went to my friend's baby's 1st birthday party. It was packed! There were a lot of people, a lot of kids, a lot of presents, and a lot of food. Avery's mom has got it going on in the entertainment department. They always know how to throw a party. It was hot though! This whole weekend in NC was miserably hot and humid! But it was good because I got to see and catch up with some people I haven't seen in a really long time and Avery was so adorable as always!
Surprise Party:
After that it was mission time. My BIFF's husband and I had been conspiring to throw her a surprise birthday party. At one point I really didn't think it was going to happen because there was SO much going on this weekend and we didn't think we'd be able to fit in a surprise party for her. I even told her one day at the gym that we had been thinking about throwing her a surprise party, but it looked like it wasn't going to work out. She was really down about the whole thing because she had had some birthday letdowns in the past. But somehow her husband pulled it all together and all I had to do was get her out of the house so he could set up and get everyone there.
I'm a bad liar but I convinced her that as my birthday gift to her we were going to get mani/pedis and her husband convinced her that his parents were going to take them out to dinner afterwards. It worked! She had no idea and was so surprised when she walked in and everyone was there and yelled surprise! She really had no clue! It was great!
We all had a great time drinking and eating and playing cornhole (I am actually getting better at that game!). And this was the first time a lot of us had hung out together in a while! I just love my friends!
The Crush:
At this party was a guy that I have known for years. He is kind of a part of our group of friends. He hangs out with us occasionally and has been on a few trips I have been on over the years. I guess I have had a crush on him for probably the whole time I've known him- about 5 years. I don't know how to describe it. He has that way of being completely adorable and really hot at the same time. And I think he is a really nice guy despite his sometimes bad rep. Sometimes he seemed to not have it all "together" in life and maybe parties too much, but still he has always been sweet and nice to me. He is a few years younger than me though so sometimes I look at him like a little brother or something too, which confuses the crush side...I don't know it's not a normal crush...I just have a soft spot for him for some reason.
I am pretty sure he was well aware of this crush thing because a few weeks ago I had called and left him a voicemail after one of my worst nights ever of drinking (break-ups will make you do stupid stuff like drink tons of liquor on an empty stomach!). I don't remember what I said, but apparently I told him what I wanted to do to him in no uncertain terms. I was so embarrassed, but luckily he called the next day and made a joke out of it and kind of made the whole thing better. I was so thankful we were able to smooth that over so it wouldn't be too awkward the next time I saw him.
Anyway, somehow we ended up going to his house at some point during the party last night (which was right up the street) and talked for a while (but it didn't look good that we disappeared together). I SWEAR nothing happened. Nothing. I didn't even feel like that about him for some reason last night. We just talked about our past heartbreaks and life I guess. I probably shared way more about my life than I should have, but alcohol will do that to you!
At one point I told him I had a high price (I was pretty drunk and that probably made me sound like a hooker). He laughed about it and said "i want to know what your price is". I just said "oh, it's really high"... but what I meant was that I don't just give myself away to just anybody. Here I was with a guy I had had a crush on forever, but I was not really even tempted to have a meaningless make-out session with him or anything. I just don't do that anymore. I've had my crazy twenties and kissed lots of frogs thinking it might mean more, but now I know better and even if you want to try to be in a relationship with me I can promise you it won't be some easy casual thing. I'm looking for more than that and that is what I meant by "I have a high price". I just couldn't articulate that at the time nor did I really want to.
We went back to the party after letting the dog out (and forgetting to let him back in!) and as soon as we got there it started pouring rain. We ran and stood on the front porch together forever watching the rain. I don't even really know why we didn't go in the house. Eventually we went in and hung out for a little more with everyone and finally I ended up driving home at 5 am after sobering up.
SUNDAY-
When I woke up this morning though I was like "Dang! I could've marked two things off my list last night if I would have been thinking about it more- ask out a crush and kiss in the rain!" But things happen for a reason sometimes and I am glad nothing happened last night. I don't even really know if I have a crush on him anymore...I think it is just some kind of soft spot I have for him because really I don't ever see anything happening between us. I am not a casual kind of girl and he is nice enough to realize that and not take advantage. Plus I am still healing from my last heartbreak right now. I'm glad I didn't try to ruin my movie love moment of kissing in the rain just because the opportunity presented itself.
At church this morning we had a guest preacher and he was very different than our normal preacher. He kind of growled/yelled/sung his sermon? I don't know how to describe it. It was not really my thing. But I thought again about saying "I have a high price" last night but in a totally different way during church this morning. I DO have a high price. The price for me was more than I could pay and required the sacrifice of God's son. I think just knowing that internally was another thing that stopped me from being tempted by the crush last night. Knowing the price that was paid for me makes me live my life very differently. I got concerned because I was like "Has the wild, carefree, fun Suz disappeared?!" But I haven't, I've just changed and won't compromise myself. I know who I am and what I want so temptations are much easier to tackle.
This afternoon we had a baby shower for my friend who is due in July. The girl who threw it is so creative and cute! All the decorations and food were wonderful! I was in charge of games and the mom-to-be requested not having her belly measured. I had already done the gift bingo, candy bar diapers, and pin the diaper on the baby things, so I wanted to come up with something different. We did a baby/pregnancy trivia game (if you live in Raleigh and have ever heard G105's Horseshoes and Hand-grenades game, it was like that). And we did a game where we all had silly bandz and if you were caught saying the word "baby" you got your silly band stolen by whoever caught you. The one with the most at the end of the party won. It was fun. I also got to feel the baby hiccup which was cool. Pregnancy and the fact that a little human grows out of practically nothing inside your belly is just amazing to me!
So yeah it has been a long weekend and I have a training class to get Six Sigma certified for work all next week, so I think I will be calling it an early night tonight!
Hope you all had a fabulous weekend!!
FRIDAY-
Habitat was fun! We got stuff done a lot more quickly than expected and I was home by 11 am. I tried to go to the pool to lay out, but I have lost my pool key so I had to call to get them to send me a new one. Instead I laid out on my back patio for about 2 hours (it was HOT!) and worked on my laptop. Then I had to go shopping for birthday cards, shower stuff, and presents. I spent about an hour at the bookstore which I just love doing! Bookstores make me about as happy as Target!
SATURDAY-
The Vet:
Saturday morning I took Cam to the vet. He lost some weight! He got a smiley for that. He got shots, a heartworm test, fecal exam, that bordatella up the nose thing, and basically the whole work up. $172 later he got a clean bill of health and a see-ya-next-year. Seriously...why does the vet have to cost so much?!
Baby's Birthday:
Then I went to my friend's baby's 1st birthday party. It was packed! There were a lot of people, a lot of kids, a lot of presents, and a lot of food. Avery's mom has got it going on in the entertainment department. They always know how to throw a party. It was hot though! This whole weekend in NC was miserably hot and humid! But it was good because I got to see and catch up with some people I haven't seen in a really long time and Avery was so adorable as always!
Surprise Party:
After that it was mission time. My BIFF's husband and I had been conspiring to throw her a surprise birthday party. At one point I really didn't think it was going to happen because there was SO much going on this weekend and we didn't think we'd be able to fit in a surprise party for her. I even told her one day at the gym that we had been thinking about throwing her a surprise party, but it looked like it wasn't going to work out. She was really down about the whole thing because she had had some birthday letdowns in the past. But somehow her husband pulled it all together and all I had to do was get her out of the house so he could set up and get everyone there.
I'm a bad liar but I convinced her that as my birthday gift to her we were going to get mani/pedis and her husband convinced her that his parents were going to take them out to dinner afterwards. It worked! She had no idea and was so surprised when she walked in and everyone was there and yelled surprise! She really had no clue! It was great!
We all had a great time drinking and eating and playing cornhole (I am actually getting better at that game!). And this was the first time a lot of us had hung out together in a while! I just love my friends!
The Crush:
At this party was a guy that I have known for years. He is kind of a part of our group of friends. He hangs out with us occasionally and has been on a few trips I have been on over the years. I guess I have had a crush on him for probably the whole time I've known him- about 5 years. I don't know how to describe it. He has that way of being completely adorable and really hot at the same time. And I think he is a really nice guy despite his sometimes bad rep. Sometimes he seemed to not have it all "together" in life and maybe parties too much, but still he has always been sweet and nice to me. He is a few years younger than me though so sometimes I look at him like a little brother or something too, which confuses the crush side...I don't know it's not a normal crush...I just have a soft spot for him for some reason.
I am pretty sure he was well aware of this crush thing because a few weeks ago I had called and left him a voicemail after one of my worst nights ever of drinking (break-ups will make you do stupid stuff like drink tons of liquor on an empty stomach!). I don't remember what I said, but apparently I told him what I wanted to do to him in no uncertain terms. I was so embarrassed, but luckily he called the next day and made a joke out of it and kind of made the whole thing better. I was so thankful we were able to smooth that over so it wouldn't be too awkward the next time I saw him.
Anyway, somehow we ended up going to his house at some point during the party last night (which was right up the street) and talked for a while (but it didn't look good that we disappeared together). I SWEAR nothing happened. Nothing. I didn't even feel like that about him for some reason last night. We just talked about our past heartbreaks and life I guess. I probably shared way more about my life than I should have, but alcohol will do that to you!
At one point I told him I had a high price (I was pretty drunk and that probably made me sound like a hooker). He laughed about it and said "i want to know what your price is". I just said "oh, it's really high"... but what I meant was that I don't just give myself away to just anybody. Here I was with a guy I had had a crush on forever, but I was not really even tempted to have a meaningless make-out session with him or anything. I just don't do that anymore. I've had my crazy twenties and kissed lots of frogs thinking it might mean more, but now I know better and even if you want to try to be in a relationship with me I can promise you it won't be some easy casual thing. I'm looking for more than that and that is what I meant by "I have a high price". I just couldn't articulate that at the time nor did I really want to.
We went back to the party after letting the dog out (and forgetting to let him back in!) and as soon as we got there it started pouring rain. We ran and stood on the front porch together forever watching the rain. I don't even really know why we didn't go in the house. Eventually we went in and hung out for a little more with everyone and finally I ended up driving home at 5 am after sobering up.
SUNDAY-
When I woke up this morning though I was like "Dang! I could've marked two things off my list last night if I would have been thinking about it more- ask out a crush and kiss in the rain!" But things happen for a reason sometimes and I am glad nothing happened last night. I don't even really know if I have a crush on him anymore...I think it is just some kind of soft spot I have for him because really I don't ever see anything happening between us. I am not a casual kind of girl and he is nice enough to realize that and not take advantage. Plus I am still healing from my last heartbreak right now. I'm glad I didn't try to ruin my movie love moment of kissing in the rain just because the opportunity presented itself.
At church this morning we had a guest preacher and he was very different than our normal preacher. He kind of growled/yelled/sung his sermon? I don't know how to describe it. It was not really my thing. But I thought again about saying "I have a high price" last night but in a totally different way during church this morning. I DO have a high price. The price for me was more than I could pay and required the sacrifice of God's son. I think just knowing that internally was another thing that stopped me from being tempted by the crush last night. Knowing the price that was paid for me makes me live my life very differently. I got concerned because I was like "Has the wild, carefree, fun Suz disappeared?!" But I haven't, I've just changed and won't compromise myself. I know who I am and what I want so temptations are much easier to tackle.
This afternoon we had a baby shower for my friend who is due in July. The girl who threw it is so creative and cute! All the decorations and food were wonderful! I was in charge of games and the mom-to-be requested not having her belly measured. I had already done the gift bingo, candy bar diapers, and pin the diaper on the baby things, so I wanted to come up with something different. We did a baby/pregnancy trivia game (if you live in Raleigh and have ever heard G105's Horseshoes and Hand-grenades game, it was like that). And we did a game where we all had silly bandz and if you were caught saying the word "baby" you got your silly band stolen by whoever caught you. The one with the most at the end of the party won. It was fun. I also got to feel the baby hiccup which was cool. Pregnancy and the fact that a little human grows out of practically nothing inside your belly is just amazing to me!
So yeah it has been a long weekend and I have a training class to get Six Sigma certified for work all next week, so I think I will be calling it an early night tonight!
Hope you all had a fabulous weekend!!
Monday, January 26, 2009
First Kiss?
Over at the 20 Something Bloggers, this month’s Carnival theme is firsts. In particular they want to hear about your first kiss. Since I love to write and feel involved, I thought I’d give this a shot…There was this boy I was friends with before I started school. He lived in the same apartment complex we did when my parents moved to Morganton. I was, oh, around 4 and I think he was about the same age. We were BFFs. In old photo albums I see us all hugged up on each other in little mushroom houses at Smurfland in Carowinds...so I know we were tight. One of the most told stories from my mom about my childhood is about him drinking my Strawberry Shortcake shampoo. I can’t even remember his name. But I have a funny feeling I might have kissed him.
Then there was my childhood husband. I was seriously going to marry this guy when we were in kindergarten. My mom said I told everyone he was going to change the diapers when we had babies. One of my favorite things to do was play dump trucks with him. He was my best little buddy until 4th grade when I moved to public school because I refused to wear a skirt to private school everyday. I don’t know for sure if we got to seal our childhood marriage with a kiss, but it’s a probability.
Throughout elementary and middle school I remember having some classmate boyfriends, but I don’t remember kissing any of them. But that’s not to say it didn’t happen. I just can’t recall.
The first real kiss I do remember was during my freshman year of high school. This was the start to my “bad boy” phase. I had a huge crush on this guy John who was friends with my friends and who ironically lived right up the road from me. He and all his friends were the kind of guys that got in trouble a lot and didn’t do so well in school. But I thought he was so hot and smelled really good.
I remember him coming up to my house to visit me and sitting uncomfortably in my living room with him while my parents were in the next room. I wanted to kiss him then, but it was too awkward.
Then the bad boys convinced us we needed to start sneaking out so we wouldn’t be under parental supervision 24/7. So we did. My friends would come over to my house or I would go over to theirs and we would sneak out and meet the bad boys.
One night we snuck out of my house by climbing out my bedroom window and jumping the fence. We walked down the street to a park to meet the bad boys. I remember sitting at a picnic table at the park in the warm spring night. John had such a great smile and that, along with the excitement of breaking the rules, had my heart fluttering. I remember him smiling and leaning in closer and closer and then it happened- our first kiss. It wasn’t too awkward, but certainly wasn’t the best kiss I’ve ever had. But nevertheless, I was on cloud nine. After that I think he asked me for a real date to the movies. I remember thinking “does this mean he’s my boyfriend now?”
But that date never happened. He abruptly had to move away with his family soon after that. But I still remember his smile and the way he smelled. Boys can smell so freaking good sometimes!
Ironically, I started dating his best friend over the summer that followed. (Why are the bad boys so appealing? I should have just stayed away.) But that’s a story for another time!
Speaking of kisses and great smelling boys, I have some things on my list that will require a boy. Since my social circle has pretty much completely dried up of potential suitors, I have turned to internet dating. (Cue the scary music)
I know. What a loser right? This isn't my first attempt at internet dating. I have heard real life success stories, that have sparked my interest in this phenomenon in the past. I've tried free trials on match.com and eharmony- even signing up for a month long membership on each at one point in time. But I never gave it a real shot. I was picky and ignored pretty much everyone for some reason or another. The ones I did email with never moved past a phone conversation because I eventually would get scared and just ignore them.
But this time will be different. I signed up for a free trial on match.com last week and so far it has gone pretty well. There are actually some interesting guys on there this time. So I'm giving it a real shot.
Need I remind you how much I hate dating?
This should be interesting!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Thoughts on finding “The One”…
My Dating History so far:
Kindergarten BFF- taught me boys can be fun! (Dump Trucks Rock!)
Rat-tailed 5th grader fling- taught me the stress of Valentine’s Day (I couldn’t take the pressure so I dumped him that day- He was way more into me and I didn’t like that rat tail)
Middle School Boys- where I developed the art of the crush
First High School BF- taught me how embarrassing my dad can be and how a first kiss can give you butterflies (then he moved away)
My First BadBoy- taught me guys are liars and cheaters even if they do act like they love you
First Upperclassman- taught me even cute guys can be big dorks
Band Guy- taught me guys can be really sweet and nice but also can rip a friendship apart (even though it totally isn’t worth it, I shouldn’t have been jealous)
First LOVE- taught me what love really feels like and how much life can hurt
Rebound Guy- taught me how you can kiss other boys and not feel guilty when you just aren’t that into someone (sorry rebound guy)
The LONG timer- taught me a guy can totally get you and be your bestest friend ever but at the same time totally SUCK at being a boyfriend (and that guys can make girls go crazy)
The Work Romance- taught me a guy can be an AMAZING boyfriend but if you don’t “get” each other or “click” it just won’t work
Kindergarten BFF- taught me boys can be fun! (Dump Trucks Rock!)
Rat-tailed 5th grader fling- taught me the stress of Valentine’s Day (I couldn’t take the pressure so I dumped him that day- He was way more into me and I didn’t like that rat tail)
Middle School Boys- where I developed the art of the crush
First High School BF- taught me how embarrassing my dad can be and how a first kiss can give you butterflies (then he moved away)
My First BadBoy- taught me guys are liars and cheaters even if they do act like they love you
First Upperclassman- taught me even cute guys can be big dorks
Band Guy- taught me guys can be really sweet and nice but also can rip a friendship apart (even though it totally isn’t worth it, I shouldn’t have been jealous)
First LOVE- taught me what love really feels like and how much life can hurt
Rebound Guy- taught me how you can kiss other boys and not feel guilty when you just aren’t that into someone (sorry rebound guy)
The LONG timer- taught me a guy can totally get you and be your bestest friend ever but at the same time totally SUCK at being a boyfriend (and that guys can make girls go crazy)
The Work Romance- taught me a guy can be an AMAZING boyfriend but if you don’t “get” each other or “click” it just won’t work
I think I have learned a lot from my past relationships. I just need to find someone who can be my best friend but at the same time not SUCK at being a boyfriend. Someone that gives me butterflies but can also make me laugh until it hurts. Someone that wants to have crazy adventures with me and my friends. Someone I can be silly with but who will also do romantic things to surprise me every once in a while. Kind of a mix between the last 2 guys I dated with a lot of the qualities of my First Love. Why is that so hard to find?
But you know what? I am starting to think there isn’t just one guy out there that would fit this bill. I think a lot of it is about timing and confidence of the 2 parties involved. I mean if he won’t approach me, shake me and say “I like you stupid” then it would probably just pass me by because I am so oblivious. Also, if I don’t get my confidence up it’s never going to happen. I need to quit obsessing, but it is hard when your house is so quiet and you feel so isolated everyday. Plus I have a lot of stuff on my list that requires me to find a guy:
#6- Ask out a crush
#11- Open my heart to someone
#26- Kiss in the rain
(Even #23- Take a dance lesson will probably require a boy!)
Oh the pressure! Or Maybe I am just having a down week…who knows!
But you know what? I am starting to think there isn’t just one guy out there that would fit this bill. I think a lot of it is about timing and confidence of the 2 parties involved. I mean if he won’t approach me, shake me and say “I like you stupid” then it would probably just pass me by because I am so oblivious. Also, if I don’t get my confidence up it’s never going to happen. I need to quit obsessing, but it is hard when your house is so quiet and you feel so isolated everyday. Plus I have a lot of stuff on my list that requires me to find a guy:
#6- Ask out a crush
#11- Open my heart to someone
#26- Kiss in the rain
(Even #23- Take a dance lesson will probably require a boy!)
Oh the pressure! Or Maybe I am just having a down week…who knows!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
This Year's Forcast: Man Drought
Well, this year it has certainly NOT been raining men in my neck of the woods. This is so disappointing because a lot of things on my list require a man in the picture to complete (i.e. #6 ask out a crush, #26 kiss in the rain, #11 open my heart to someone). And speaking of crushes, most anyone that knows me knows that I ALWAYS have a crush. Shockingly enough, right now (probably for the first time in my life) I have no crush. Not even a celebrity crush! I mean Matthew McConaughey is hot, but even he is married (I think) and has a kid now, so what’s the point?
Raleigh is often touted as one of the best places to live for singles. Why!?! Where are all these eligible men? My guesses are they are either A) all in MBA or doctorate programs at the universities around here (maybe it’s time to go back to school?) or B) they are doctors, or lawyers or in some other high powered/high stress position which leaves no time/energy for socializing or C) too young/old for me or D) too shy to approach a girl, and if they are waiting on me to approach them, well they will be waiting a LONG dang time!
I even tried online dating and it is definitely not for me. I am too paranoid about the creepers/stalkers/psycho killers that could potentially be on there, not to mention the losers/ slackers/ crazies/egomaniacs that you would find in normal dating situations. I tried talking to a few guys but I was not feeling it at all and either let them fizzle out or just ignored their calls completely (mean, I know- I’m sorry!). Who knows maybe I am too guarded?
But I am really starting to hate the single life- who am I kidding? I already hate it. I hate not having anyone to help with daily things in life. I hate not having that emotional support to come home to at the end of a bad day. I hate not having someone that I can take to “couple” activities. I hate not having someone to have inside jokes with. I hate the pressure I keep feeling every time I get on invitation that says "Susan and guest". I hate always feeling like the loser single person. I hate even thinking about having to go on an awkward date and going through the whole “getting to know you” process again only to find out that in the end it just won’t work. I hate everyone telling me it is going to happen when I least expect it, enjoy it while you can, blah, blah, blah. (All this coming from people who are already ½ of a happy couple, so really, can they completely understand?)
I have 2 years to find someone that gives me butterflies. Someone that makes me laugh, someone that I can trust, and someone that “gets” me- basically someone that I can open my heart to. He doesn’t per se have to be my future husband (but that would be nice). Just someone I can get to know and hopefully love. I need help. If you know of any single, smart, funny, employed, attractive men, let me know. Also, I love hearing how couples met so I can get ideas of what I can be doing to meet someone. So if you are a part of a happy couple, let me know how you met so I can get some ideas going!
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