Monday, June 29, 2009

Miss Thrifty

I've had to come up with some ways to live on less since my new job will pay less than my last one and I still have yet to get an unemployment check from the State (they better give me my money or I'll have to cut them!). I had to pull $500 out of savings (not to mention over $1000 has already been automatically taken out of my savings account for my new car payments) just to help cover my mortgage this month. After that payment I will be down to about $100 until I get a check from somewhere, so this has gotten serious! Downgrading sucks. It does, but you do what you gotta do right?

1. I am shopping at Food Lion and Wal-Mart. Two places I detest because of their small confusing ailes and crowds of people. I much more enjoy Lowes Foods and Target, they are more expensive on most items. So suck it up and go during on off hour like 11 pm on a Sat. or during the day during the week if possible. I may even hit up the dollar store for dish soap and stuff.

2. I don't buy books. I have been using for a while and love it, but I would sometimes supplement it with a trip to Barnes and Noble every once in a while. But no more. I have a huge to-be-read pile of books so I am just going to add those "must-get-my-hands-on-now books" to my wish list on Paperbackswap and plow through what I've got on hand while I wait.

3. My new rule of no new clothes for me until I get to the size I want saves a lot, but new shoes are a problem. So I now shop for shoes at Marshall's and TJ Maxx. It will be hit or miss with them, but it's going to be cheaper when you do find something. And if I ever get another designer purse it will probably have to come from there too.

4. Look at those sales flyers you get in the mail! I was so in need of new kitchen items for cooking (all that eating out has to go) and I came across a Macy's 2-day flyer. They had a stainless steel cookware set (org.99.99) on sale for $29.99 if you got it before 1 pm and a Martha Stewart knife set (org.79.99) on sale for $37.99. I had a $50 giftcard I had been saving for my next designer purse so I used that and got all these great cooking tools for only $11 out of my pocket.

Plus I get lots of coupons. I go through those coupon mailers and when I do eat out it is probably at somewhere I have a coupon to. I used one this weekend at Baskin Robins to get a free kids cone and she gave me a whole stack of more so I have no need to buy sweet treats for a while now.

5. Eat in more (See #4 for my motivation purchase for this one)

6. Use plastic bags you get from stores (when you forget to take in your canvas ones) to pick up your dog's poop instead of buying them (or just take a whole bunch from your neighborhood dispenser if the have one)

7. DVR movies to watch at home instead of renting or use Redbox. Resist the urge to go to the movie. (Haven't done well with this one cause I went to see The Hangover and My Sister's Keeper in the past 2 weeks- but seriously it wasn't worth it...well The Hangover might have been!)

8. Find friends who have beach houses and pray that they will invite you. Also urge your mom not to rent out the timeshare and let you have it this year to get in some mini vacations. It's not the same as the legendary Cruise 2K8, but it will have to do.

9. Remember how I said I was a travel sized toiletries addict? Well I have a basket overflowing with them in my spare bedroom. I am going to use those up before I buy the real sizes again and ask any of my traveling friends to grab their hotel ones for me!

10. Ask for extras (or grab extras) when you eat out. I have tons of ketchup and mustard packets and I am going to start asking for extra salad dressing packets too. I may even try to get extra Splenda and Fat Free Mayo packets.

11. Attempt to do your own mani/pedis. It's nothing like the real thing when I do it, but I have resisted all summer and am saving my one splurge on that for right before a wedding I have to go to in July.

12. Stop going out. Stay in and make your own fun. Play a board or card game. Watch a movie. Play with the dog. And stop drinking so much. With the right people, these things can be fun just drinking water and that is free.

I may not officially be Miss Thrifty yet, but I am slowly finding my way!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Forget Weight Watchers...

I have my own points system! The number one thing on my list is to get in the best shape of my life. This is going to be a challenge because right now I am probably in the worst shape of my life. But it is critical that I mark this off my list because other items like feeling confident at a water park, going skinny dipping, and attempting surfing would be much more enjoyable if I feel confident in my body.

Like most girls in America I have been on multiple diets since high school. When I got to be a junior in high school, I was probably in the best shape of my life. I played soccer and I was a cheerleader. On the cheerleading team I was too weak to be a base, too short to be a spotter, so I had to be a flyer. This put tremendous pressure on me to watch my weight. I didn't want to be too heavy to lift. I probably went to extremes at time to keep my weight at it's lowest and stay in my teeny tiny uniform, but I felt great. When I went to college I wasn't going to practice everyday and I was eating take out and the bad food in the dining hall and sorority house so I gained weight. Since then I have been taking off and putting back on the same weight for the last 10 years.

The time I was in the second best shape of my life I had a personal trainer. My friend and I shared a trainer. We went through multiple trainers before we found a good fit. And talk about motivation, this was our trainer:

That's right. That is Graham from Deanna's season of the Bachelorette. He was our trainer during the summer of 2005. Not only was he so hot, but he did everything he could to try to get us to meet our goals while being so nice and funny it actually made me look forward to working out. (BTW I was shocked to see him on the Bachelorette! He had left NC to move to NY for modeling and acting. We were so sad to see him go, and I haven't had a trainer since then.)

Anyway, all that working out in 2005 made 2006 a great year. I was back down to a 6 and feeling good. Then I got in a relationship. All we did was eat out and my workout routine fell by the wayside. I tried Weight Watchers and Nutrisystem for brief periods to try to take off the weight, but I think different things work for different people and since I know what works for me, I have come up with my own points system to keep me on track.

For every day I work out I get a point. And anytime I successfully resist temptation with food (i.e. turn down a piece of birthday cake or order the grilled chicken when I really really want a cheeseburger) I get a point. Each time I eat something bad, I am going to subtract a point. At the end of the month I am going to give myself a dollar for each point I have and put those in a piggy bank. Once I get down to the size I want to be, I am going to use that money to go on a shopping spree for a new wardrobe!

But since this is also about the shape I am in, I am going to shoot for running a 5K again. I am going to try to do the same one as last year (Jingle Bell Run). But this year I plan to run the entire time with no walking breaks. Also if I am in the best shape of my life, I should shoot for coming in under 30 minutes. Back in high school we had to run a mile almost everyday at soccer practice and for Varsity we had to come in under 10 minutes. So if I am in the best shape of my life I should be able to do 3 miles in less than 30 minutes. But one thing at a time. I would be happy just to run the entire thing!

I know this is going to be a long journey, but hopefully by next summer I will be wearing a bikini with pride and running like it is nothing!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I want my money

Remember how I said I felt bad about taking unemployment, well not anymore. The only problem is I haven't got any money from my unemployment insurance and it has been almost 2 months!

Here's the story. So, my former employer told me that I would get my last check from them May 14th. So that following Monday I filed for unemployment. There was a one week waiting period where I wouldn't be paid, but benefits should have started that following week. Well my former employer paid me again on May 29. I don't know what it was for because it was direct deposited in my account and I got no pay stub. I think it was for unused vacation time because it was a weird amount.

This however screwed me. Now the unemployment office says there is an unresolved issue on my account so none of my claims can be paid. I talked to someone a few weeks ago and told them the situation and they said they would note it my account. But since then I have heard nothing. I have been trying to get in touch with someone for the past three days and I can't get through on any of the three numbers I have for them. So I finally sent an email and they sent an automated reply that said it may take several days to get a response.

I would have been okay on money except that Volkswagen charged me $1300 for excess wear and tear on my leased beetle bug. That was like 6 month's worth of car payments! I got them to give me 15% discount, but only if I paid it immediately. So I did. Never ever will I lease a vehicle again and I sure as hell won't ever get a VW again.

So now my mortgage is due next week and I have enough in savings to cover it, but after that it will be really tight. The only good thing is I think I have a job and I should start the week after July 4th. I didn't get 2 weeks vacation like I wanted, but I can take unpaid time off if needed, so I figured beggars can't be choosers and decided to go for it.

I'm excited because I have always wanted to do something in real estate, but never had the guts to jump in to being an agent and pay all these up front costs and pray that I sell a house so I can get paid. This way I will be able to get a taste of real estate along with a steady pay check. Sure it won't be as much as I was making, but sometimes you have to sacrifice for your dream.

But note to the NC Unemployment Commission: I still want my money!

Monday, June 22, 2009

If you plant it, it will grow

This may not have been the most exciting thing on my list, but it provided weeks of excitement for me.

Back in February my secret blog valentine sent me the most thoughtful gift! It was all the tools needed to get started on #17 on my list- Grow a plant:

(I bought the potting soil, but everything else was from my valentine)

I finally got around to planting the seeds at the beginning of April. It took a couple weeks of watering and waiting, but finally somethings started to come up:

After this picture was taken, my plant suffered some challenges. The plant stand it was in was knocked over twice by Cam and once by me in a drunken stupor on the night I lost my job. I had to carefully scoop the dirt and plants back in to the pot each time. I thought they were doomed.

But after more watering and waiting one of them finally bloomed!

There are even more buds that are getting ready to bloom on there now!

This weekend I transferred the plants to my back yard. I planted this one and another plant witty guy had bought me when I lost my job that I have managed to keep alive all this time:

Maybe I don't have a black thumb after all!

Thursday, June 18, 2009


So I have a job offer. I am excited BUT it is about a 25% pay cut and has no benefits so I have had to take a close look at my expenses. Let me tell you, my expenses are way more than I even thought they were. Really if I was tithing like I should and paying all my bills on my own I would've needed to be making about $5,000 more than I was. And now I am going to be making $16,500 less than my break even point. Isn't that crazy?!

So how was I making ends meet before? Well, I wasn't tithing like I should. My mom was paying for my gas and car insurance. And I was only contributing 2% to my 401K instead of 5% like I think I should be. (Probably the 401K contribution should be even more than that, but baby steps people).

I want this job. It will be doing marketing and listing coordination for a local real estate office. I don't have to activate my license (which would have cost me about $350-$400) but I can still get a taste of the Real Estate career I have been craving! And I still get to do marketing which I love! And I wouldn't be sitting behind a computer all day. I would actually get to go out and take pictures of their listings and maybe even some other tasks outside of the office. And the head of this office is a really good agent in the area. I recognized her name immediately because I see her signs everywhere. She is really nice and straight forward which I love and I think I could learn a lot from her.

The only downsides are the pay (obviously) and there are no benefits so I would have to continue my COBRA coverage and have no 401K for now. And she only offered me 1 week paid vacation. When I call her tomorrow to accept the position it will be on the condition of 2 weeks paid vacation. I just cannot do only 5 days off per year. I have weddings and holidays, and I have learned I have to have at least one yearly trip to make it through working full time. At my last job I had 17 paid time off days and 10 paid holidays. So I'll be going from 27 days off to 10. That is if she accepts my counter-offer. I just can't do 5. It would never work.

Plus I had to do a lot of budgeting and make a lot of sacrifices to make this salary work. I'll have no money for savings. My mom is going to pay for my gas, car insurance, and yearly pet exams. I have to cancel my at home internet service and switch to Direct TV for my cable. I had to cut my food and miscellaneous expenses budget back to $425/month. I think that will cover my food and the pets food. I guess no more new clothes, haircuts, or pedicures for me. (By the way, I had no idea what I was spending before but I was estimating $725 and that includes pet expenses, so I'm cutting out about $300!) And I have to cut my tithe back to 2.8% (it was probably at like 5%. I have no idea how I am going to ever make it to 10%, but like everything else it will be a process. At least I am trying.)

I looked at a lot of different options when trying to figure out how to make this work. Another option was getting a roommate. That was the best scenario. It would have cut at least $600 from my expenses and I would get to keep my internet. But I just can't do it. No one I know is looking for a roommate situation and I wouldn't want to live with someone I didn't know. Plus, my house is kind of like a zoo with my dog and cat and it is very much my house- all my furniture, my pets, my style. I don't know if a roommate would feel comfortable here. I don't know if I would feel comfortable here with a roommate. You married or co-habitating people don't know how well you have it splitting those bills with someone!

But I think I can make this work with those other sacrifices, so yeah I am excited. Now I just have to see if she accepts my counter-offer with the extra week of vacation. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


I officially marked something off my list last week. I've been meaning to get a post up, but I want to include pictures and I just haven't had the patience to coordinate loading the pictures and creating the post. A.D.D. much? Yeah I know...excuses, excuses. I promise it's coming.

In the meantime can you guess what it was?

Did I ask out a crush?

Did I knock my head while attempting surfing and that's really what caused my vertigo?

Did I already change one of little Avery's diapers? (For those of you that were wondering, my friend H finally delivered Avery at 5:33 am on June 11th and yes she did give in to the epidural. Avery is so stinking cute! If H posts some pics on her blog I'll be sure to notify you guys!)

Did I learn how to dance?

Did Cam learn to jump through hoops at his first agility class?

I still have 22 things to mark off my list and it could be any of them...which one do you think it is?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Gotta see this!

Another book that could have made it on my all time favorite list was The Time Traveler's Wife. I read it a few years ago and it was great. The movie comes out August 14th and here is the trailer:

What do you think???

BTW, my vertigo is getting better. I went to the doctor today and she said it was probably the perfect combination of stress, an ear malfunction I have, fluid retention from my period, low blood pressure, and discontinuing this anxiety medication I had been taking for my sleep problems. She gave me some meclizine and some nasal steroid stuff for my ear malfunction and I'm starting to feel better already. Thank goodness because that was rough!

Sunday, June 14, 2009


I have had a very busy weekend. I went to the Moorehead Planetarium and learned how to find things like the big dipper, north star, and other planets and constellations. I went to eat at a neat tappas restaurant called Humble Pie in downtown Raleigh. I went to visit my mom in High Point for her birthday and got a stupid speeding ticket and I watched half a season of Big Love on DVD. I also made my first Etsy purchase for a birthday gift for a friend and I can't wait to get my cute homemade item in the mail. But all weekend I have had a constant companion that has been hell bent on ruining my good time. It's called vertigo and I think it just might be hell on earth.

Vertigo is basically a fancy medical term for dizziness. Basically it feels like I am on the Gravitron at the fair and can't get off. It is a constant spinning sensation. And then every once in a while it will throw me for a big loop-de-lu and I feel like I am going to pass out/puke.

My friend Kristin had this a few months ago really bad. I never understood it really. They could never figure out what was wrong and it was hard for her to explain how it felt so I never could grasp how she was feeling. Now I know and it feels weird and like crappity crap crap. Yeah, I don't expect you to get it either, but just imagine you have been stuck on one of those spinny rides at the fair for 3 days except that you are not on the ride, you are trying to do normal everyday things like walk, drive, or type. It sucks.

I woke up this morning and thought it might have went away. But as I was pumping gas to fill up before my trip to High Point, I felt a little woosy. The drive there just made it worse and then it was in full swing by the time I sat down for lunch.

After I left my mom's I tried to take a different way to get on I-40/85 because I had hit a detour on the way in. I had just pulled on Highway 311 towards 85 and my lane was ending. There was a big transfer truck in the right hand lane so I sped up to get in front of it. We came to a stop light and I saw some bluelights coming down the ramp. The cop pulled behind me at the stop light and they went off so I didn't think anything of it. As we pulled through the green light he put his lights back on and stayed behind me despite the left lane being open. I was like is that for me? and merged over.

He walked up and said he clocked me at 73 in a 55 and did I know it was 55 back there? I said no and he asked if I was trying to get around that truck and I said yes. I explained I was taking a new way to find 85 and I had just been visiting my mom. He gave me directions to 85 and said he needed to see my license and registration. He had been so nice I didn't think he was going to give me a ticket. He asked if I still lived in Raleigh and I said yes. He took the stuff back to his car and I figured he was just checking to make sure everything checked out.

Ten minutes later my head was spinning and I knew he was taking too long and had to be writing me a ticket. I turned the car off and just started crying. Finally when he walked back up to the car the first thing he says is "why are you crying?" (in a mean way) I told him I didn't have a job and he asked if I was a student. (Um no jerk I am almost 30 and have a mortgage and car payments and used to have a real job why the heck would you think I was a freaking student?!) I explained I had been laid off at the end of April and he asked from where. (WTF why do you need to know!? You aren't going to know what it is even when I tell you) I told him and sure enough that led to "where is that?" and "what do they do?" and a blank stare. All while I am bawling.

He gives me the ticket and goes in to this whole thing of how I will need to come back to show up for court and ask for a Prayer for Judgment and tell them about how I lost my job and blah blah blah and then he is like "Are you paying attention? Do you need to be writing this down?" I wanted to give him a lecture about how he should stop giving people speeding tickets for situations where he obviously saw why I had sped up and instead go arrest some drug dealers or rapists, but instead I got out a pen and took notes through my tears.

During the ride home I threw a temper tantrum at God. My head was spinning and I just wanted to be safely home and I couldn't understand why I kept having such bad luck. I screamed at God. I told Him I had given my life over to Him and He had just taken everything away from me. I yelled at Him that since He knew every step I would take and controlled my life path that all this was His fault and He needed to fix it. It reminded me of that SNL skit where the guy is talking about the economy and he just keeps yelling "Fix it!" Yeah that was me yelling at God. I screamed that if he could move mountains then He could fix it and I dared Him to. I yelled at the tops of my lungs. I told God I couldn't take anymore, but if He wanted to just rain down fire and brimstone on me "go ahead" because that is what I expected of Him now. It has been so long since I had seen His favor that I didn't believe He had any for me and if He did He needed to prove it. I was so mad. I know people around me thought I was crazy. You might even think I'm crazy, but I had reached my breaking point.

So yeah, I'm still kind of mad at God and I don't think that is anywhere close to how I'm supposed to "pray" but whatever. Three days on the tilt-o-whirl and all this misfortune has done me in. So please just "FIX IT!" God and we can be cool again..ok?

And somebady, anybody please just stop this freaking spinning!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Oh Baby and Why it is Tough Being a Woman!

As I type this, my friend Heather is in labor! I am so flippin excited to finally get to meet little Avery and her having this baby has been on my mind all day! Her water broke this morning and she sent us a text around noon saying she was being admitted to the hospital. The only other update was around 10:30 tonight when her husband said she was 6 centimeters. I am dying to know what is going on and I wish I had like a 15 minute play-by-play of whats going on.

If I was in her shoes today I would be flipping out. I mean full on panic attack. I would seriously need some anxiety medication. Having your first baby must be the scariest thing ever! You have no idea what to expect or how long it will take or how much it will hurt...oh don't even get me started on the pain! Then to know that this is the last day of your life that you are responsible for only yourself. As of tomorrow you will have this other person who is dependent on you! I would be going crazy. And she says she's not doing an epidural. I can not even imagine. Plus the baby is about 11 days early so it's not like she was expecting it to be today! Those would be some tough shoes to fill today!

Whenever I was younger or even just a few years ago I thought this "baby bug" thing people talked about was a myth. How could you crave a screaming kid? But I feel it sometimes now. If I was married right now, having a baby might have even been on my 30 before 30 list. Sometimes I do freak out thinking about the "timeline" of it all. I still need to find my husband and then I would like to enjoy some time just us two before having a family, but let's face it I'm not getting any younger.

My mom had me when she was 38 and my dad was in his forties. Growing up I thought I had the oldest parents in the world. I also used to beg my mom for a brother or sister, but at that point it just wasn't possible.

In just 10 short years I will be 38. Is that enough time to find my husband, get married and have more than one kid? Sometimes I worry about that. Time seem to pass more quickly each year and nothing happens. I used to want four kids. I used to want to be a young mom. I used to want to have 5 years with my husband before we started trying for a baby. But as the years go by those dreams seem to be further and further from the reality of my life.

Now when I hear young girls talking about their "life plan" and "timeline" for marriage and kids I want to laugh. It's just not something you can plan as easily as other things in your life because those are forever things. The guy you pick to marry will (hopefully) be the one you are with forever. The kids you have will be yours forever. It's not like picking a college you will go to for four (more or less) years. It's not like a job that you probably won't stay in for the rest of your life.

Also it is not something you have as much control over. You can't decide "oh I'll go out and find a husband today" and then when you actually want to have a baby you will start to see how unfair life can be when all these teenagers who don't want to get pregnant do and you try and try but can't. That is something else I worry about a lot. I now actually know a lot of people who have had problems I never dreamed of with fertility and pregnancies. It is so much more common than I ever thought. Will that happen to me?

In my Bible study right now we are doing a Beth Moore study on the book of Esther. The whole theme of it is "It's tough being a woman". It sure the heck is sometimes. No matter what phase you are in with your life, being a woman is tough. I know guys might have some of the same worries or fears, but I don't think it is to the extent it is for women. I don't think you would see a guy worrying so much about his eggs dying and the "timeline" of his life. And I know once I pass these hurdles in my life there will be more ahead to give me sleepless nights. It's so much pressure to be the perfect size, perfect career woman, perfect wife, perfect mother, etc. None of which I am right now by the way. Hopefully at the end of this Bible study I will be better equipped to deal with some of these pressures.

Do you think it is tough being a woman? How do you deal with it?

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

10 All Time Favorite Books- just in time for summer!

Cookouts, long nights, vacations, and beach/poolside reading! I love summer. Yeah it's hot, but summer is just packed with fun activities and its also the time of the year when I fly through books. There is nothing better to pass the time laying out while reading a good book.

I love to read and you can check out reviews of the books I read on my Bookshelf Blog. But I don't think I have ever read the same book twice. I'm just not one of those people who can re-read a book. I already know the story and how it ends, so it is hard for me to think that I would love it as much the second time around. But if I did here are 10 books I would re-read. If you are looking for a good poolside/beach read this summer, you can't go wrong with these:

Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See

Summer Sisters by Judy Blume

Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella

She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb

The Book of Bright Ideas by Sandra Kring

The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks

The Perfect Manhattan by Leanne Shear and Tracey Toomey

My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Piccoult

I also can't wait to see this movie!!

What are your favorite books??

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Hello Ebay!

I have heard about Ebay. I mean it's been around for years. But I had never used Ebay. I didn't have a PayPal account. I was scared most of the stuff on there was a scam. But witty guy had used Ebay a lot and educated me that it can be a good thing. So I decided to test it out.

First I listed some Nutrisystem food that I still had in my pantry from when I had given that diet a go. It's not exactly the kind of food you crave and I had given up on that diet plan a long time ago so I decided to list a mixed lot of 40 meals on there. And it sold! For $53.09 plus $10.00 shipping! It was so easy.

While I was waiting that week for my food to sell I started perusing what I could possibly buy on Ebay. That's when I got addicted. I had always wanted a pair of designer jeans, but I just couldn't justify in my head spending $200 for a pair of jeans. On Ebay they had designer jeans going for as low as $20!

After getting outbid on 3 different pairs of jeans, I thought maybe it was a sign and I should just give up. But I still had some auctions I was "watching" so I gave it one more try. I waited until there was only 2 minutes in the auction and then started bidding like crazy and I won! I got a pair of Seven for all Mankind Dojo jeans for $61.00. It was more than I wanted to spend and I know I shouldn't be buying designer jeans when I don't have a job, but I wanted them so bad.

My phone had been acting up for the last couple weeks and when I called AT&T they told me they couldn't do anything for me until I tried replacing the battery. If I went to the store to buy a new battery they would probably charge me $20+, so I turned to Ebay. I found a battery shipping from Atlanta for only $6 and bought it right away.

Ahhh...Ebay I just can't quit you!

I still have a pair of Citizen jeans I am watching that are only at $17 right now, so I might try to get those too. And if I had a job I might be bidding on the Dooney and Burke giraffe purse I'm watching too.

Somebody needs to slap me out of this and just scream "Suz...step away from the computer." See this is what happens when you have too much time on your hands.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical..." -someone famous

I probably shouldn't be writing this right now because it is late and my emotions are high and this is probably TMI, but I'll never be able to sleep if I don't get this out and sometimes my best posts come when I am under these circumstances.

Witty guy and I had what felt like was our millionth heated discussion tonight and it ended up with me just finally saying "It's over" and "Bye". I don't do well with break ups. Its awkward and hard because you don't want to just throw away something you feel like you have worked really hard on, but I felt like that was the direction I was being pushed in and no matter what I said or did, it wouldn't make it better.

Right before I said those words, earlier in the conversation I had went online and canceled my subscription and switched my profile to private. I had kept it active because I had signed up for this 6-month guarantee thing where as long as I had my profile visible and emailed 5 people each month, I would get 6 months free. I'd respond to stupid emails with like "thanks for the email. how do you like Raleigh?" and then never talk to them again just to fulfill the requirements of the guarantee because I was only 2 months away from getting my 6 free months. But witty guy brought up that this was one of the ways that I wasn't 100% in this relationship and trying to make it work. I saw how it could be perceived that way so I remedied the situation.

Every time we had arguments like this I would try to fix whatever it was that was bothering him. But apparently in the end, it was character, little things like not immediately asking how his day was or not sending him sweet texts everyday, or not being allowed to pout at loosing a board game, or not laughing at his every joke. Somehow it ended up with him feeling like he gave too much and I didn't. Yet I felt like I did give and tried to make it work but that I didn't get to have a bad mood every once in a while and he was never willing to address working on any of the things I had issues with. And there was also something about him feeling I wasn't able to laugh at myself enough.

A lot of our issues came down to feelings. In particular if someone was in a bad mood. Feelings are tough. You can never know what another person is feeling, so is it a valid argument for someone's actions to be a certain way because of the way they feel and nothing more? Just because you (the second party in the situation)don't feel that way as well should they be validated in what they are trying to say? Isn't that what compassion is about? Trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes? But once you try to put on their shoes and then say well, no you shouldn't be doing that you should be doing this because of this over here, I think that takes out the feelings quotient. Because you are not feeling what they are feeling. Sometimes actions are driven by feelings, it's a fact and is that ok? And as the second party how are you supposed to know how to react to that when someones actions are based on their feelings?

It was major communication break down. I didn't feel like he was listening, acknowledging, and trying to correct the problems I presented. He felt like I was twisting everything he said. We were going no where. I just kept feeling like he was saying my feelings weren't valid and my actions based on feelings were stupid and he was right and I was wrong. Every fight we have had that is all I heard. I made concessions. I made conscious efforts to try to adapt to his schedule and not say anything about it because it was important to him. I always tried to give him an easy way out if he didn't want to do something. I tried to make it work and I don't know why these fights kept coming up.

Wow, there were a lot of feelings going on and not one of them physical during these fights. That could be a good or a bad thing.

Anyway, my theory is he didn't acknowledge or try to work on any issues on his side because he felt there were none. I tried to tell him what would help our relationship from his side and he would flat out refuse or point out how I don't do that for him.

These fights always left me feeling about 2 inches tall and beaten down emotionally. I felt like it was always my fault. But I felt like sometimes it wasn't. He just didn't see it that way.

I wasn't perfect in the relationship. It takes me a while to give someone my whole heart and he didn't have it yet. I was getting closer. I had told all my friends we were together and talked about him to my mom, I met his whole family, I updated my "relationship status" on Facebook which I had never ever done and I had written about him on my blog. I was in this but maybe just holding on to the sides because I was scared to let go.

And no, I'm not a big mushy texter and not much of a phone person, but I would make efforts. I was trying to work on it. And yeah it is probably unfair to expect that so much when I don't give it back as much.

I just don't know.

But when it comes down to no one is ever going to see the other's point of view and apparently we can't just agree to disagree where do you go from there but in circles? And once the circles get old you just have to yell stop. I didn't know what to do at all. I did try. I was getting there. It doesn't happen overnight for me, but I was trying to make it work. But I guess it didn't and that is very sad.

Note to witty guy if you read this: I know you say there are 2 sides to every story and if you want me to post your side written from your perspective here too I would love to because to see what your side was in writing would probably be helpful for me.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Plan? What Plan?

I am still in touch with my inner teeny-bopper. I was obsessed with the Twilight books and got a little giddy watching the preview for New Moon last night (ok, a lot giddy). I read all the Harry Potter books as soon as they came out and I am so excited the next movie is almost here. I watch all those CW shows like Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, and 90210. And I still watch The Hills on MTV and I'm kind of sad Lauren (LC) is saying goodbye to it. But don't laugh because sometimes these teeny-bopper shows and books can offer up true wisdom in the most unexpected ways.

I was watching The Hills season finale I DVRed last night and Lauren was talking to her boss Kelly Cotrone about how she didn't really know what she was going to do next in her life. Kelly told her that some of the best times in her life were when she didn't know what she was going to do next, when she had no plan.

Right now I find myself in that situation. I have no real "plan". I keep trying to make a plan and figure out what is coming next. It's impossible though because things are so uncertain. But it feels good. It is like a crossroads where I can take a breather and figure out which path I want to go down next.

Another time I remember being at a crossroads like this with no real plan was after graduating college. I had been to interviews and applied to what felt like a million jobs, but I didn't know where life was going to take me. I ended up taking a job just to have something to do and make some money while I was searching for my "real" post-college job. But that job turned into my first "real" job. Within a few months I had worked my way upstairs to the marketing department and that jump-started my marketing career. I didn't plan it that way, it just kind of happened as opportunities presented themselves.

Then when I moved to Raleigh I ended up in a terrible job that lasted only a few weeks. But that job was what got me to move to Raleigh. I wouldn't have moved without a job.

Once that didn't work out I found myself again without a "plan". But that break pushed me to go to real estate school and get my license. Even though I had found a new marketing job before real estate school was even over, it's like it was meant to happen that way. I didn't plan it, but I had taken the classes and passed the state exam right before they changed the rules and required a lot more classroom time to get your license. I got in just under the wire.

Now I am here at a crossroads again. I don't know where life is going to take me next, but I am evaluating every opportunity as it presents itself and I can't wait to see where it takes me next. Something big is about to happen again and I can't wait to see what it is.

So next time you find yourself without a "plan", let go of your OCD and stop freaking out. Sometimes life has a way of taking you exactly where you need to be.