Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Thoughts on Love

I've spent almost the last three years completely single.  Aside from a crush or two and one (i think) night of a drunken make out mistake, I have not dated, kissed, hugged, or held hands with a guy.  I miss it.  I really do.

Since I've gotten older, I see dating much differently that I did when I was younger.  When I was in college, I  wasted spent five-six years with a guy I knew I didn't want to marry.  But I liked him a lot and he was comforting and a great friend.  He just sucked to be in a relationship with and I knew I didn't want to deal with all that drama for the rest of my life.  But it was just easier to be with him than be alone.

Then I dated a guy that treated me better than any guy probably ever will.  He was so sweet, thoughtful, everything you want a guy to be.  But we just weren't right.  And I took him for granted and still had my eyes open for something better which killed the relationship because he could tell I wasn't putting him first when he most definitely was putting me first.

The I dated witty guy.  And we just weren't right either.  I think we both really tried to make it work, but it just didn't.  And then he met a 19 year old waitress and broke my heart and destroyed my self-esteem at the same time.  (Me bitter?  No way!)  So that took a while to get over.

And now I have spent so much time alone I am afraid of anything real ever happening.  I still have crushes and flirt and think guys are cute, but I am so scared to have anything real happen.  Even though I want it so bad.

I'm just afraid to let someone have my heart again and it not work out.  I'm afraid of integrating someone in to my life and becoming best friends with them and then everything falling apart and having to separate myself from them again.  So in theory I want the next one to be The One.

But that puts so much pressure on everything.  So I hate that.  I want to be able to get to know someone without thinking that far ahead.

I know I need to just let go and trust that God has a plan and anyone he brings in to my life, He does so for a purpose.  I need to let go of all this fear around relationships.  But it is easier said than done.

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