News Flash!

Well, well, well...Don't I feel like a dummy? I have just been informed that RIGHT NOW is the growing season...well at least the planting season. So I guess I better get crackin'!

So now the question is: Can I plant a plant and watch it grow, or do I have to plant a seed and actually grow a plant from it? Vote now in the poll to the right!

Update on The List

I feel like it is taking FOREVER to cross the next thing off my list! (I’ve already told y’all I’m not patient at all!) I am also getting a little nervous because 2 years seemed like a long time when I made the list, but time goes by more quickly than you expect. And if I don’t get everything crossed off I am going to feel like a complete LOSER, so the pressure is really on. It would really help if I could find a money tree somewhere around here. I didn’t realize so many of these things are going to require a good chunk of change!

Anyway, here is an update on The List progress:

1. Get in the best shape of my life- the 5K training is helping with this a little, but I need to step it up! Maybe I’ll get a trainer? They really do help!
2. Try snowboarding – trying to get a ski trip planned for Feb. I guess I’ll be renting a board instead of skis!
3. Get a job I love – Still no word here. I am thinking about going back to school.
4. Take Cam to an agility class- no time or funds right now. But he did learn to “bow” recently (it’s so cute!)
5. Pay all my own bills (with no help from mom)- I plan on taking over my car insurance when I get a new car next year. (My lease runs out in April.) I’ll have to learn to budget better in order to take over the gas though, and hopefully prices will go down a little.
6. Ask out a crush- This would require an adequate crush. There are none at this point in time. Sad…I know!
7. Run a 5K- I might have to take a week off from training because I have the worst blisters on the back of my heels! Or maybe I could run in flip-flops?
8. Go to a water park and not feel self-conscious- luckily I don’t have to worry about this until at least next summer!
9. Kayak- too cold to kayak now, but I think a camping/kayaking trip in the mountains sounds fabulous!
10. Catch a fish- This can wait until summer
11. Open my heart to someone- Yeah, that would require a guy. (see #6)
12. Make a baby laugh- My friend in ATL is having a baby in Feb. Maybe I will get a chance to go out there to meet the little munchkin, act stupid and get a laugh out of him!
13. Change a diaper (no I have never done this) - I don’t want to think about this. But whatever baby laughs at me, I guess the least I can do to thank them is change their diaper!
14. Go on a mission trip- I found out about a mission trip to South Africa in December, but I looked it up on the website today and it costs $2500! That took the wind out of my sails!
15. Help a stranger- no strangers that need help have crossed my path yet
16. Find a doctor I trust- haven’t had time to investigate this yet, plus I have been pretty healthy, so there hasn’t been any motivation to do so.
17. Grow a plant- I’m going to wait until growing season for this (someone please let me know when “growing season” is!)
18. Upgrade one room in my house- My light fixture in my kitchen broke. I had already been thinking this would be the room I would re-do. So I guess I’ll do it one thing at a time. I’ll post some pics when I finally get a new light fixture!
19. Travel abroad- yeah money is an issue with this one. I might have to count Mexico as “abroad”!
20. Swim with a dolphin
21. Go skinny dipping- No…no desire to do this right now
22. Visit Washington, DC – I am trying to see if I can pull together a trip this spring to see the Cherry Blossoms.
23. Take a dance lesson- I did have a dance lesson from a 7 year old last week…does that count?
24. Sing Karaoke
25. Invest in the stock market- umm…have you seen the news? I don’t want to get on that roller coaster ride!
26. Kiss in the rain- Need I remind you? …THERE IS NO GUY in the picture right now. If I kiss my dog in the rain could that count? (Yet another reminder of how pathetic I am!)
27. Read the Bible all the way through- I signed up for this “Bible in a Year” email service. It emails you a selection each day and in a year you will have read the whole Bible! I also joined a Bible study group. We actually have to memorize a new verse each week. It takes me back to Bible School days!
28. Go see a movie at the theater- alone!- Nothing that I am dying to see right now
29. Attempt Surfing- Again…waiting for summer…too cold for the ocean right now!
30. Purchase 1 piece of expensive jewelry for myself- By the way, the other night I thought I lost one of my earrings and FREAKED out! It was just the icing on a bad day that I didn’t need! Luckily I found it in between the sheets on my bed. Note to self: Do not wear expensive earrings to bed anymore.

Oh and I finally finished my latest book! Check out my review of The Friday Night Knitting Club on my Bookshelf Blog!

Educate yourself before you VOTE

By the way...I would encourage everyone to at least DVR the presidential debate tonight. There will only be 3 debates total, and tonight's debate will be on foreign policy and domestic security. This is a great way to get to know each candidate better and learn exactly where they stand on the issues. I think this election is VERY important and I know I want to make an imformed decision. I hope you do too!

Grief is like the Ocean

(I mentioned this “Grief is like the Ocean…” idea in a post earlier this month in relation to a One Tree Hill episode and now I am going to be talking about a Grey’s episode. WTF! I watch too much TV!)

“Grief is like the ocean; it’s deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love.”

-someone on One Tree Hill




Grief really is like the ocean. Not only is it deep and dark and bigger than all of us, but it seems like it goes on forever. The waves can overtake you sometimes. You get tired of swimming through it sometimes. You have hope that you will reach the other side someday, even though you can’t see the horizon yet.

When grief is new, it swallows you whole. You get overtaken and are too weak to fight it. Your whole world closes in on you as you sink to depths of despair you never even imaged. But then your fight for survival kicks in and you have to struggle to break the surface again. Slowly you start to kick your way to the top to break the surface of life again. You start to laugh and smile. Little gasps of air. And then life returns to some sense of normalcy. You float along through the grief and it doesn't seem that bad anymore.

But once you have experienced grief, you are always in that ocean. It is always a part of who you are. Sometimes you don’t have to struggle to stay on the surface and you forget that you are even swimming- until a big wave sweeps over you again. It can be something small that reminds you of what you went through, what you’re missing, how you felt.

Last night that happened to me. I sat down to watch the season premier of Grey’s Anatomy and didn’t even make it through the first 2 minutes. It opens with Meredith talking about fairytales. How everyone wants that perfect ending. But in reality what you get is sometimes a nightmare. Then it cuts to Derrick in the hospital and they are fighting to save his life as Meredith watches in tears. Then it appears there is nothing more they can do and Meredith’s world falls apart- she’ll never get her happy ending.

I have been there. I can vividly remember that day, that moment. It is really surreal. In that moment the whole world gets blurry. Voices become muffled sounds. Your body collapses in on itself. You feel so utterly alone and completely helpless. And it all came back to me as I watched Derrick lying there (completely on the edge of my seat, tears in my eyes already).

But then she wakes up. This should have releived me. Derrick is ok. It was just a dream. But instead it turned out to be the wave that knocked me completely over again. She GOT to wake up. She didn’t have to live the nightmare. I lived it. I am still living the nightmare. I mean I might have already had my chance at “the one” and now it is all over for me. (Just as background for those of you who don’t know, the first guy I ever fell in love with died in a car wreck when we were in high school. Yeah, I don’t like to talk about it or mention it because A) it is an awkward thing to bring up, B) it is depressing, and C) it still hurts and I like to try to keep it in the past and stay positive and seem normal.)

So I had a mini meltdown last night on my kitchen floor. My dog thought I was crazy and didn’t know what to do, so he laid his head on my back. I NEVER cry. I try to always hold in my emotions, but this is the one thing that can bring me to my knees. I tried calling friends to talk me out of the stupid meltdown. After the 5th no answer I gave up.

I couldn't breathe. Sobs just escaping out of me. I just kept asking myself "what is wrong with me?" But I couldn't stop. And then I started to clean. Tears just streaming down my face as I scrubbed the kitchen counters and loaded the dishwasher. (Why do girls do this? Lots of girls I know clean when they are really stressed. It's like I lost my mind so I just end up doing the one thing I absolutely hate doing!)

Eventually someone did call me back and it helps so much just to not feel so alone. Just to have someone to talk to. And today is another day. I am trying to push it all to the very back compartment of my brain that I keep all that stuff locked up in. But please…don’t ask me if I saw the Grey’s season premiere last night! (Believe me I understand the enthusiasm…I was even going to watch it live! Commercials and all!) I will watch it tonight probably, but I just want to forget about those first 2 minutes for now!

First Love

Tonight I was thinking and since my mind is always the one thing that keeps me from falling asleep I figured I would empty it all out here so I can get a good night's rest. So please excuse me if this post is somewhat random and discombobulated!

People always say you'll never forget your first love. That first love is always the most intense. It makes you feel the highest of highs. Its butterflies and fireworks and tingles and just pure joy. And it will stay with you forever. So what makes this first love so great? I think it is because your heart is fresh and whole and new. You don't have any battle scars because your heart has never been broken. You have no reason not to completely trust them. You have nothing else to compare it to. It is all shiny and new and great!

So how do you capture that "first love" feeling again?

First, I think you have to give time for your heart wounds to heal. The deeper the wound, the more time you need to take to make sure it is not going to rip open and start bleeding all over the place again. If you go right into another relationship without that wound healing, it will rip open again and you will never get over those past wrongs. You'll bring all that hurt with you into the new relationship and blame the new guy for ripping open that fresh wound again, when if you would have taken the time to let it heal, it may have just been a little scratch. A scratch can be forgiven, but when you are hurt and your heart is bleeding you end up losing your mind and usually the relationship.

Second, I think you have to let go of expectations. That is a really hard one. By this point we all have expectations. We have formed this perfect guy in our head. We think the situation going into the relationship has to be just so. He has to behave a certain way. And whether we like to admit it or not, we may even have expectations like "he is probably going to lie or cheat or turn out to be a loser". I think to truly experience that "first love" feeling you have to let go of all that. Let go of all the expectations, fears, and standards and just feel.

You know the feeling. You see them and get a heightening of the senses. You feel all tingly. You want to stare at them (but not). It almost feels like your whole body is smiling and you can't help it. Just thinking of them makes you smile. You think about them at random times and then when you are finally around them you get a little flutter deep in your stomach. It's a great feeling and it can happen at the most random times when you meet the most random people. One thing I wonder: Does this phenomenon stop when you get married? Is your significant other the last person who makes you feel this? Or do you just have to suppress it immediately when you do feel it after you're married?

Finally, I think you have to really believe that you deserve that kind of love. Jenny McCarthy said that on Oprah today, so it isn't my original thought, but it really struck a cord with me. Do I really believe I deserve love like that? Intellectually I know I do, but does my heart believe it? I think I need to work at that one. And when love finally does find me, I need to remember to not have any expectations so I can finally get back that lovin' feelin'!

Head over Heels for my Blog!

I have a not so little secret. I am in love with my blog. I love adding new things to it. I love sharing stories on here. I love my list. I love that it is all mine and it is out here for the world to see. I love what little design I can do to the blog. I even want to take a web design class just to make my blog even better.

I also love discovering other bloggers. I love looking at the different topics other people blog about. I love looking at different blog designs. I love looking at how long people have kept their blogs going and wonder if I will end up crossing everything off my list over the next 2 years and blog to tell about it all. And if I do, will I keep blogging after that?

I am still trying to figure things out and discover new things everyday about the blog and blogging in general. It is like learning a new skill and finding my way in this big blogging world (or the world in general depending how you look at it). And I guess I never really realized how much I enjoy writing until I started this blog! But now I find myself typing out a blog post when I am bored- rereading and revising it a million times until the words go together just so. I’ll even read some of my past blog posts and fight the urge to revise something I didn’t notice before posting it.

When people ask what is new with me, I tell them about the blog. It is my passion right now. It kind of gives me a purpose and focus in life.

I do get sad sometimes because most of my posts get no comments and I think no one but me is looking at this stupid thing. But every once in a while one of my friends will mention they’ve read it or I will get a new comment or someone will subscribe to my feed or I’ll get a jump in visitors and it makes my heart smile. Someone cares about my little baby blog!

Then I think to myself it really is sad that I obsess about this stupid blog so much! But seriously, I wonder if I could turn this into a career? What if I could be a corporate blogger or maybe a blog designer or really, I would love to work in the social media marketing division of a big company. Maybe I need to go back to school to learn more about this or maybe I need to start looking for jobs in social media. All I know is that it is a passion of mine and this whole social media thing is growing and it is changing the way marketers operate (for the better) and I want to be a part of that. So where do I sign up?

Random Friday Ramblings

Pirates Pound the Pack Tomorrow!
I got tickets!!!!!!!!!!!!! My friends and I have been trying to get tickets all week! I was not paying over $100 per ticket though. I mean come on, it’s State. But this morning I saw a post for 4 tickets and a parking pass for $350 which comes out to $87.50/person. Still way too much in my opinion but below my threshold, so I contacted the guy and I am meeting him at 6:30 tonight for the deal to go down! WOOOHOOO! I am excited! I just hope the Pirates don't choke and loose to stupid State...that would be such a waste!

5K Training Week 2 Complete
I completed my second week of training for my 5K. This week, the assignment was a 5 minute brisk walk warm-up followed by alternating 90 seconds of running and 2 minutes of walking. It was more challenging than last week, but still not bad. I ended up cutting 3 minutes off my lap around my neighborhood which was super inspiring! Next week it gets more complicated though: 5 min. warm up- 90 sec. run- 90 sec. walk- 3 min. run- 3 min. walk and then repeat for at least 30 minutes. Sometimes keeping up with the time has been a welcomed distraction from the running. However, I am afraid next week I am going to have to work harder at multitasking- I mean with the I-pod soundtrack, keeping track of the time, and keeping Cam well behaved- than I am going to have to work with the actual running!

I *heart* TV!
So next week fall TV really gets into full swing. I am so excited! I re-watched the Grey’s season finale last night and got a shock by the preview they showed- Rose is carrying McDreamy’s baby!?!? What!?!? Meredith just can’t get a freaking break and be happy for once?

I am afraid this same scenario is going to happen on One Tree Hill too. I mean Lucas and Peyton didn’t get married for a reason. I bet Lindsay is going to come back and say “I’m pregnant” and ruin everything! Also psycho Nanny Carrie had a baby?!? What? This week’s episode was so freaking sad though. I bawled through the whole thing! I did love their analogy of “Grief is like the ocean…” So so true!

I’m also loving some of the new shows on the CW. 90210 is pretty good. Lots of drama, but sometimes predictable. Plus some of those girls are so freaking skinny! They look like little twigs walking around! I also love Privileged! I didn’t really watch Reba so I can’t fully appreciate how much people are loving that she is back on TV, but I do really like her on this show! Gossip Girl is also great. I am sad for Serena and Dan that they can’t seem to work it out, but I am loving the other storylines! Also, in case you missed it, there is a tranny on ANTM! And he/she isn’t that bad! And their make-overs this week were fabulous! Next week my DVR is going to be working overtime!!

Thoughts on finding “The One”…

My Dating History so far:

Kindergarten BFF- taught me boys can be fun! (Dump Trucks Rock!)

Rat-tailed 5th grader fling- taught me the stress of Valentine’s Day (I couldn’t take the pressure so I dumped him that day- He was way more into me and I didn’t like that rat tail)

Middle School Boys- where I developed the art of the crush

First High School BF- taught me how embarrassing my dad can be and how a first kiss can give you butterflies (then he moved away)

My First BadBoy- taught me guys are liars and cheaters even if they do act like they love you

First Upperclassman- taught me even cute guys can be big dorks

Band Guy- taught me guys can be really sweet and nice but also can rip a friendship apart (even though it totally isn’t worth it, I shouldn’t have been jealous)

First LOVE- taught me what love really feels like and how much life can hurt

Rebound Guy- taught me how you can kiss other boys and not feel guilty when you just aren’t that into someone (sorry rebound guy)

The LONG timer- taught me a guy can totally get you and be your bestest friend ever but at the same time totally SUCK at being a boyfriend (and that guys can make girls go crazy)

The Work Romance- taught me a guy can be an AMAZING boyfriend but if you don’t “get” each other or “click” it just won’t work

I think I have learned a lot from my past relationships. I just need to find someone who can be my best friend but at the same time not SUCK at being a boyfriend. Someone that gives me butterflies but can also make me laugh until it hurts. Someone that wants to have crazy adventures with me and my friends. Someone I can be silly with but who will also do romantic things to surprise me every once in a while. Kind of a mix between the last 2 guys I dated with a lot of the qualities of my First Love. Why is that so hard to find?


But you know what? I am starting to think there isn’t just one guy out there that would fit this bill. I think a lot of it is about timing and confidence of the 2 parties involved. I mean if he won’t approach me, shake me and say “I like you stupid” then it would probably just pass me by because I am so oblivious. Also, if I don’t get my confidence up it’s never going to happen. I need to quit obsessing, but it is hard when your house is so quiet and you feel so isolated everyday. Plus I have a lot of stuff on my list that requires me to find a guy:
#6- Ask out a crush
#11- Open my heart to someone
#26- Kiss in the rain

(Even #23- Take a dance lesson will probably require a boy!)

Oh the pressure! Or Maybe I am just having a down week…who knows!

Greed and Capitalism

I’m sure you all have read the headlines about the government bailing out AIG to the tune of $85 billion. What in the heck is going on? First the housing market crumbles. Investment firm Bear Sterns gets nearly $30 billion to avert a major financial default. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac got help with the government investing as much as $200 billion in preferred stock and at least $5 billion in mortgage securities. Then the stock market takes a nose dive. Lehman Brothers is no more. Morgan Stanley gets sold to Bank of America. Gas and Food prices are through the roof and unemployment is at a high. I am having second thoughts about #25 on my list: Invest in the stock market.

The rule of thumb for defining a recession is when the GDP (Gross Domestic Product) growth is negative for two or more consecutive quarters. What is the GDP? It is a measure of the output of goods and services produced by labor and property located in the United States. So far this hasn’t happened, but I think we are all feeling the pain of this economic slump. So does that mean it is about to get worse? I’m no financial guru, but it doesn’t look good.

But you know what? It’s all relative. I may have to cut corners and buy generic rather than brand name while someone else may not be able to pay their bills at all. Then you have the elite who might not be able to splurge on every $5,000 handbag they see or have to sell one of their 15 cars. It’s a complex issue and I know life isn’t fair, but it seems like something is wrong here.

I am all for having to get a job and working hard for what you have. I hate government handouts. It breeds laziness and corruption of a system that was meant to help out, not be your sole income. GO GET A FREAKING JOB PEOPLE. If it came down to it, I would work at Target and love it probably. I would even work at McDonald’s if I had to. I would find something to make some money. I know there are probably times when people do need help. If something devastating happened to me, I would hope my family and friends would help, but what if you don’t have that? And when does it turn from “helping” to “taking advantage of? (This is one of the reasons why I want to be able to pay all of my own bills by the end of the year-#5 on my list!)

I do think people who work hard and smart should be able to enjoy the benefits of that. Everyone wants to feel financially secure and afford whatever they want without thinking about it. But when does ambition and success turn into greed?

I think there is something wrong with the super rich. Those people who make millions and millions each year. They have financial advisers who can find every tax loophole in the book. They hide their money in off-shore accounts. They keep getting richer and richer while the middle class slide back further and further. I have no idea what the solution is, but it isn’t a hand out. These CEOs and shareholders make tons of money (while sharing as little as possible- damn working for the man!), then they make some bad decisions and the federal government comes to the rescue. What kind of example does this set for everyone else? Oh, don’t worry, if you mess up the government will come save you. Take some responsibility people! How can the government afford all these bail-outs AND the war AND welfare AND social security AND food stamps? Something has to change. I’m anxiously awaiting the presidential candidate’s debates to see how they would address these issues. What are your thoughts?

What color is your cubicle?

Most people I know work in a cubicle environment. If you don't, consider yourself lucky. It truly is an environment like no other. In fact corporate America is a world like no other. For some reason no one tells you this when you are in school. Perhaps because it is something new? What did people do before computers? Now it would be almost impossible to do your job without one. I certainly would not know what to do at work without one (since I spend practically 8 hours or more staring at this stupid screen- no wonder social marketing has taken off...the amount of actual face time people spend with each other has greatly plummeted!)

Anyway, I digress. The working world is something no one really explains to you. And even though I have read numerous career books and have thought I am in the right line of work. There are things I hate about it that make me question my choice: the cubicle, the politics, the lack of sunshine, the isolation, the backstabbing, just to name a few.

I came across a mention for this book on Andy Sernovitz's Damn, I Wish I'd Thought of That! blog today and it looks really interesting! Check out this preview:


It looks pretty cool! A Career Guide for our generation!

Random Friday Rant

5K Training

This week I completed my first week of 5K training and it wasn't too bad. Basically it was a 5 min walk to warm up followed by alternating 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for 30 min. Next week doesn't sound too bad either so I am not getting nervous yet. Although I do have to say the hills around my neighborhood can be killer! Even Cam slows to a panting trot on them- as opposed to his full on running interspersed with sniffing stops. So far so good! If you haven't signed up to join the Jingle Joggers just do it now. It is good motivation knowing you have something coming up you have already committed to! And you'll get to help us pick out our dorky Christmas outfits for the race. Visit our team page here: Jingle Joggers

Mood Swings

I have been so stressed out lately because I am waiting on something that is outside of my control and it is triggering something in my obsessive mind. But it has helped ranting about it. By Thursday I was a little more calm and I actually read 3 chapters in my book this week which is somewhat a return to normalcy. But seriously I hate the up and down roller coaster ride my emotions were giving me this week. If I was bi-polar you would have to have a round the clock suicide watch on me because I don't think I could handle it. One week of that was enough for me thank you.

Food

I hate food marketing. I have been obsessing over those new Domino's Local Legends commercials because they look so good! I got the chicken-bacon-ranch one last week and it wasn't all that great (probably because my expectations were too high from their stupid marketing). But now I am also wanting to try the Spicy Hawaiian one. I love pineapple pizza and "spicy"? That just makes it even more appealing! Then on the radio this week they were talking about Red Robin and it made me start craving a Banzai Burger, fries, and their yummy poppy-seed honey mustard. Then a co-worker comes over and we get on the subject of Chick-fil-a and he says their Honey Roasted BBQ sauce is better than the Polynesian sauce and I have to try it. They also have a new Chick-fil-a sauce I want to try (I love condiments!) and their new strips look oh so alluring. So far I have been able to resist all these temptations and eat pretty healthy at home, but really they should not be able to tempt me so much. Control these unhealthy places like they control cigarette advertising. It is just something I do not need to see. I did treat myself when a partner company came in and took us to lunch at Lucky 32 yesterday. I had their Southern Crescent Chicken Sandwich. It was a GRILLED chicken sandwich (healthy so far right?) smothered in pimento cheese and bacon (love how the fatty McFatty stuff turns it from normal into heavenly!) It was delicious. Aren't you hungry now?

Patience is a Virture

Forget freaking patience! I'm an American...we want what we want and we want it RIGHT NOW! Forget waiting! You are moving too slow for me and wasting my damn time! Seriously...I hate waiting.

I hate waiting for 5:00 to come everyday. I hate waiting for the slow person, who obviously can't drive, to get the hell out of my way. I hate waiting at the drive thru (seriously I didn't come inside because I wanted it fast!). I hate waiting for the stupid lease to run out on my piece of crap VW. I hate waiting to see if I will loose just 1 measly pound after eating good and exercising all week. I hate waiting for the return of Grey's Anatomy. I hate waiting for Mr. Right to sweep me off my feet. I hate waiting for the return of summer when it is 20 degrees (and not snowing- no we just get to freeze, not have any fun!) outside in January. I hate waiting in line at theme parks. I hate waiting for my dog to hurry up and pee when I am running late or it is raining outside...

I could go on forever because you know what? Good things DON'T come to those who wait. That is just some stupid saying parents came up with to get their kids to shut up.

I'm not really a negative person or bitter, just impatient! :)

Which now that I think about it is really ironic considering I am always the one who is late! Maybe I subconsciously do that on purpose to avoid waiting!

Analysis Paralysis

Life is the sum of all your choices. ~Albert Camus

One of the hardest things in life is trying to figure out which paths to go down. There are big decisions and small decisions that effect the direction that our lives will take everyday. How do you know when you are doing the right thing?

I am a pretty indecisive person by nature. I love the middle of the road. In politics I am an independent, refusing to mold my opinions to that of any one party’s beliefs. In high school I dropped out of the highest level of classes (Humanities) and down to the honors level courses because I was more content to be mediocre at a lot of things (school work, band, soccer, cheerleading, ect.) rather that really stand out in any one thing. At work I always try not to rock the boat too much. With my friends I always try to be the peacemaker and avoid any real conflict. I even hate picking out a place to eat. (I once wasted my whole lunch hour because I couldn’t decide!)

But in life you have to make decisions. If you aren’t happy with the way things are, you have to do something to change them. If you ignore problems, they get bigger. If you become complacent, you loose the joy in life. If you do the same thing over and over again you will get the same result.

So what holds me back from making decisions? Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that I am not doing the right thing. Fear that this decision is the wrong one. Fear that I may regret this. Fear that they may not like me. Fear that I don’t really want this. Fear of being uncomfortable. Fear of being hurt. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of failure.

I pray about things all the time. Pray that God will give me signs that point me in the right direction. But even when I pray I worry that I am praying for the wrong thing or for the wrong reasons. Am I being too selfish? Should I be happy with what God has already blessed me with? Should I not even worry about what is going on in my life and pray for the poor, suffering, sick, or lost souls that I may not even know?

But I don’t think doubt is a bad thing. It makes you think about things more. You explore other options. Think about the rewards and consequences of each decision. But how do you find that balance between thinking things through and over-analyzing?

Eventually you do have to make choices. You have to go out into the world everyday and be faced with decisions. Psychologist and philosopher William James said “When you have to make a choice and don't make it, that is in itself a choice.” I just hope and pray that the decisions and choices I make everyday are good ones and lead me down the right path!

A peacefulness follows any decision, even the wrong one. ~Rita Mae Brown

Why is all this on my mind today you may ask? Well, I have only read one chapter in my latest book because I can not shut off my mind lately! I read one page and don't even know what I read because I was THINKING too much! Does this mean I have a decision to be made that will bring me peace so I can get back to escaping into other people's worlds instead of living in my own???

ECU ranked 14th!

Just in case you missed it, ECU beat West Virginia this weekend!! Final score 24-3!! ECU rocks! If anyone can get me a ticket to the ECU/State game next weekend I would LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU! Let me know!

5K Training- Jingle all the way!

Next week I am going to start training for my 5K. A friend sent me a great link to a training program called Couch to 5K . It is a 9 week training program to get you ready to run a 5K. I found a cool 5K in Raleigh on December 6 for the Arthritis Foundation called Jingle Bell Run. I think it is cool because you tie jingle bells to your running shoes, which is really festive! Also, a lot of people in my family have arthritis so I’ll be running for them.

The Couch to 5K training program is good because it only requires a 20-30 minute commitment 3 days each week. I can handle that. Sometimes I get overwhelmed thinking about spending over an hour at the gym or running at the lake so I just end up not going at all. I can do 20-30 minutes in the morning before work or during lunch (which will be pushing it in order to get a shower in too, but it’s still possible!). At least now I have options instead of having to push it to the end of my day when I am tired and just want to relax.

I am nervous about the 5K because they all look kind of competitive and draw a big crowd. I have a little claustrophobia so crowds don’t excite me. I also don’t want to come in dead last! But I can’t let fear stop me. I signed up today and created a team- I don’t want to run by myself! So come join my team: Jingle Joggers at http://jinglebellrunraleigh.kintera.org/jinglejoggers

It’s only $25 to join the run and we’ll have a lot of fun! (Plus you get a free t-shirt!)

If you don’t want to join us in the run, please consider donating to the cause through my personal page at http://jinglebellrunraleigh.kintera.org/ncsuz

Thanks for your support and let me know if you want to go for a run between now and then!

Return of Fall TV!

Last night I was so surprised that my DVR kicked into high gear. It was the premier of 2 of my favorite shows: Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill (I know I am such a teeny bopper). But I was thrilled because after months of nothing but Big Brother, America’s Greatest Dog, and Jon and Kate Plus 8, I finally have some real drama to watch!!

SPOILER ALERT: Don’t read further if you haven’t seen last night’s episodes.

I am so freaking excited Lucas picked Peyton! Finally after a whole season of having to suffer through his fake relationship with Lindsey, we have the real love story back! I LOVE it! Why can’t I find that?!?!

Gossip Girl was pretty good too. I like that they are introducing some new characters- like B’s new British boyfriend (he’s a Duke!- and no I don’t mean Blue Devil) and I like that Jenny is not being sucked into that evil backstabbing world anymore and is back to nice Jenny (for now) and of course who doesn’t like Dan and Serena together? (They are rumored to be a couple in real life you know!)

I don’t know how I am ever going to get things done this fall with all my favorite shows returning:

• America’s Next Top Model- oh the anorexia and bitchiness! (premieres 9/3)
• Dancing with the Stars- I’m usually not into this, but they seem to have a good cast this time. (premieres 9/22)
• How I Met Your Mother?- When are they going to tell us who the freaking mother is? (premieres 9/22)
• Lipstick Jungle- Thank goodness this didn’t just disappear like Cashmere Mafia! (premieres 9/24)
• Ugly Betty- So much drama last season I can’t even remember where we left off! (premieres 9/25)
• Grey’s Anatomy- YAY!! Meredith and Derrick! Hopefully happy at last! (premieres 9/25)
• ER- Sadly it’s last season I hear but it’s been a good run. (premieres 9/25)
• Amazing Race- I want to be on this show…travel and competition- it was meant for me! (premieres 9/28)
• Desperate Housewives- Does Gabby really have fat kids? That flash forward left so many questions! (premieres 9/28)
• Brothers and Sisters- Will Kitty have a baby and will her hubby win the presidency? (premieres 9/28)
• Private Practice- It has been a LONG hiatus…glad to have it back! (premieres 10/1)
• Ghost Whisperer- It got weird at the end of last season, but I am hoping they will get back to their roots. (premieres 10/3)

Two NEW shows I am excited to check out:
• 90210- First NKOTB returns now 90210!?! I feel like a pre-teen again! (premieres tonight!)
• The Ex List- It has that weird looking girl from Grey’s but the storyline seems good (premieres 10/3)

All I can say is Thank God for DVR! I am serious because I don’t know how I would fit all that brain-rotting rubbish into my day without it! And of course this has nothing what-so-ever to do with completing my list, but it makes for some good entertainment and keeps me sane!

What other good ones did I miss? Oh and does anyone know anything about Nip/Tuck?