Friday, May 28, 2010

Why you should not be friends with an ex

I cannot fall asleep tonight until I get this out.  I just had a conversation that left me looking at the phone thinking WTF just happened?

I've mentioned the long-timer ex on here before.  We were together my senior year of high school, all through college, and even some after that.  All together about 7 years.  I don't even know why we were together that long.  Yes, we got along, but he walked all over me.  Back then I was a young naive girl who didn't know who I was, what I wanted out of life, and I was walking through life half asleep because of all the crap I had been through.  This guy was my comfort.  Plus I am a hanger on when it comes to relationships.  I think things are miraculously going to change and everything will just fall into place, so I'm sure that had something to do with it too.

Anyway, the only way the off and on finally ended was when I moved to Raleigh and we were no longer in the same town.  I had a fresh start and I had enough physical and emotional distance from him to start over.  But through the years, I would hear from him every once in a while.  After about a year I saw him again when I went home for Christmas, and then we would talk on the phone maybe like once every 3-6 months.  It was nothing really.  We would just check in to see how the other was doing.

He called ironically not too long after the end of my last relationship a little over a month ago.  I talked to him about it and he would call about once a week to check in on me.  I told him he should come visit me because I wanted to show him my life now- where I live, meet my dog, etc.  It was just talk though.  I know him.  He is one to say he will do something and never do it.  We had talked about it before and it has never happened.

He called tonight and I told him I was bored and lonely.  He asked what I was doing this weekend.  I told him I might go to Carowinds on Saturday.  He said if I didn't I should come see him in Greensboro because he was going there to visit friends.  Then I told him to come here.  Then he told me to come to Morgnaton.

I told him how I was sick of being single and how much this last break up had snuck up on me.  We joked around and he made me laugh at the situation.  Then I asked him what his girl situation was.  How many girls did he have going?  (I mean this is the guy who I thought was cheating on me the whole time...I figured he'd have more than one)

He proceeds to tell me there is a girl and that she and his mom are planning his wedding!  I was like WHAT?!?!  Are you getting married?  He couldn't even answer my question.  I was like did you propose?  He said he didn't know.  WHAT?!?  How can you not know if you proposed??  Anyway I try to drag all this information out of him and they have a date and a place picked out  and she has rings, but he says he hasn't given her an engagement ring and basically he is freaking out because he is not even sure if this is what he wants and he feels like people are planning his life without even consulting him.  And he hasn't told the girl any of this.  He was like "see why can I talk to you about this stuff and not her?"  I told him he needed to tell her.

I tried to tell him it is just a choice.  You make that choice and you do everything you can to build a life with that person and protect the relationship.  He was like "What if she isn't the right one?"  and then proceeds to tell me he is not over me.  WHAT?!?!

He had been dropping little hints earlier in the conversation like "We are so similar" and "I know you better than anyone ever will", but I did not see this coming.  He wants to come up here this weekend and that will solidify in his mind whether or not we are meant to be together.  Ummm...yeah.

Part of me wants to let him because I could use a distraction right now and I do want to show him my life now.  I also want to see him and get a hug.  I love a hug and he gave good ones.  And I want to talk to him about this situation with the girl.  This girl is the one he started dating at the end of our relationship.  They have been together a long time.  He says she is a good girl and he really likes her.  I want to tell him just make that choice.  Be with her then.  I want him to see that we aren't meant to be so he can let me go.

But it is so dangerous.  All that history and the affection I have for him as a person could make things cloudy.  And I am not that girl...he is supposedly engaged!  He should not be coming to spend the weekend with his ex-girlfriend.  If I had not asked about his love life and I had never known, then it would be different.  But I do know.  And I would not want my fiancée going to spend the weekend with his ex-girlfriend to figure out if he was really over her or not.  It's just not right.

I feel like I just got hit be a mack truck.  The guy I spent the longest portion of my life with is getting married AND he says he is not over me yet and wants to see if we should be together.  I am too weak and vulnerable for this challenge right now.  I am too lonely to be strong and make wise decisions.  Why oh why did I ever even answer the phone tonight?  Why oh why did I ever think being friends with an ex was a good thing?  I am never going to be able to sleep now.

What would you do?


Jen said...

Don't see him. I really don't think anything good will come of it. I've been there before, and while it's enticing, you are the one that will be standing there hurt at the end of all this.

kristin said...

all i have to say is NO! dont see him, bad, very bad, bad, bad, bad idea! i dont want you to get hurt again!!!!

Breanna Bell said...

Personally, I'm going to have to agree with the other lovely ladies above...but it's not my life. You are such a wonderful person with a good heart and good intentions. You'll know what to do.

citygal said...

Do NOT see him. He's a big boy and needs to learn how to figure out his life by HIMSELF. This is a common theme I tend to see with men, especially those over 30. You'd think they'd have their shit figured out, but they're really immature babies who subconsciously like it when others do the decision-making for them. You're too strong for him - find a man who doesn't NEED you, but appreciates you.

Jennjilla said...

RUN, change your number and never talk to him again.

He needs to deal with some issues and none of them actually concern you. He just thinks they do.

Sam said...

I'm sorry you're in this position! How emotionally draining. I'd advice you not to see him, but I don't know if I'd be strong enough not to if I were in your position, so who am I to say.
Hopefully things will work out how they are supposed to.

minneapoliscareergirl said...

The fact that you're even THINKING about this really disappoints me. The fact that this man is willing to call you and talk to you frequently over the last month without so much as mentioning he has a girlfriend, let a lone a fiancee, says he's a RAT.

No matter how lonely you are, no matter how much attention would be nice, do not, I repeat, do not, stoop so low as to knowingly allow a man in a relationship to come to your home for any form of companionship whatsoever. It's inappropriate and wrong.

Let him go. He's clearly a dog.

woodlandsblonde said...

I know it's hard when the heart's involved...but you know it's not right to let him go see you. If his GF found out she'd be so upset....

Until he is honest with his feelings with her, you two should not be communicating. The simple fact that he is confiding in you and not her is a sure red flag for their future. One of the most important things in a relationship is communication. He doesn't know if he's engaged? And she has no idea this may not be what he wants? I'd relay that to him.....I'd say - figure your sh*t out with your CURRENT. I don't play games and if you're not up front and honest with her why would you be with me?

Would he be doing the same thing to you with someone else?

Don't let your heart cloud your head on this one!

Abby said...

No! No! No! There is a reason it ended. He hasn't changed b/c he is cheating on the girl by talking to you.

AuntBT said...

I would wait to see him until he has this thing sorted out with the girl. I saw my ex about 4 years after we broke up, and it did wonders for me. It showed me that he was not what I needed (I always thought he was) because he hadn't changed since we broke up, and I definitely had. I would probably lean more toward not seeing him, just because of the girl (my ex was single at the time).

Novaes said...

Hello my name and Novaes, I'm from Brazil.
I also have a blog
and I'm learning English.
I think I also am a devourer of books,and now I'm reading blogs.
Your blog is very cool!
Congratulations and good weekend

Akirah said...

I can't tell you what to do, but I will say that whatever you decide, try not to make it easy for him to win you over. He needs to show you that it is YOU that he wants. He is very confused right now and quite possibly is looking over the fence because he thinks the grass is greener. It might not be YOU that he wants...he may just want to try someone other than the girl he's supposed to be with...just as a test...because he's not truly happy with her. I'd be cautious. I dunno. I just worry that all this is coming to light because he's scared to commit to her.

He should do the right thing and end things with this girl, not taking into account whether things could work out with the two of you or not. That's integrity. It just seems like he's using you as a distraction.

Amber @ A Little Pink in the Cornfields said...

Oh, wow. This is tough... I totally see where you're coming from and know exactly how you feel. I think you and I are a lot alike and think very similarly. I KNOW it will be hard, but you know what you should do. It's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it in the long run.
I hope things work out and you have a great weekend. Thinking of you!!!

Vee said...

You know what? You're a big girl. And you need to do what you want to do. You know what the pitfalls are and you know whether or not this is going anywhere. I believe in second and third and fourth chances. Maybe he's matured in the time you've been apart. People change because people make mistakes.