Sunday, June 14, 2009


I have had a very busy weekend. I went to the Moorehead Planetarium and learned how to find things like the big dipper, north star, and other planets and constellations. I went to eat at a neat tappas restaurant called Humble Pie in downtown Raleigh. I went to visit my mom in High Point for her birthday and got a stupid speeding ticket and I watched half a season of Big Love on DVD. I also made my first Etsy purchase for a birthday gift for a friend and I can't wait to get my cute homemade item in the mail. But all weekend I have had a constant companion that has been hell bent on ruining my good time. It's called vertigo and I think it just might be hell on earth.

Vertigo is basically a fancy medical term for dizziness. Basically it feels like I am on the Gravitron at the fair and can't get off. It is a constant spinning sensation. And then every once in a while it will throw me for a big loop-de-lu and I feel like I am going to pass out/puke.

My friend Kristin had this a few months ago really bad. I never understood it really. They could never figure out what was wrong and it was hard for her to explain how it felt so I never could grasp how she was feeling. Now I know and it feels weird and like crappity crap crap. Yeah, I don't expect you to get it either, but just imagine you have been stuck on one of those spinny rides at the fair for 3 days except that you are not on the ride, you are trying to do normal everyday things like walk, drive, or type. It sucks.

I woke up this morning and thought it might have went away. But as I was pumping gas to fill up before my trip to High Point, I felt a little woosy. The drive there just made it worse and then it was in full swing by the time I sat down for lunch.

After I left my mom's I tried to take a different way to get on I-40/85 because I had hit a detour on the way in. I had just pulled on Highway 311 towards 85 and my lane was ending. There was a big transfer truck in the right hand lane so I sped up to get in front of it. We came to a stop light and I saw some bluelights coming down the ramp. The cop pulled behind me at the stop light and they went off so I didn't think anything of it. As we pulled through the green light he put his lights back on and stayed behind me despite the left lane being open. I was like is that for me? and merged over.

He walked up and said he clocked me at 73 in a 55 and did I know it was 55 back there? I said no and he asked if I was trying to get around that truck and I said yes. I explained I was taking a new way to find 85 and I had just been visiting my mom. He gave me directions to 85 and said he needed to see my license and registration. He had been so nice I didn't think he was going to give me a ticket. He asked if I still lived in Raleigh and I said yes. He took the stuff back to his car and I figured he was just checking to make sure everything checked out.

Ten minutes later my head was spinning and I knew he was taking too long and had to be writing me a ticket. I turned the car off and just started crying. Finally when he walked back up to the car the first thing he says is "why are you crying?" (in a mean way) I told him I didn't have a job and he asked if I was a student. (Um no jerk I am almost 30 and have a mortgage and car payments and used to have a real job why the heck would you think I was a freaking student?!) I explained I had been laid off at the end of April and he asked from where. (WTF why do you need to know!? You aren't going to know what it is even when I tell you) I told him and sure enough that led to "where is that?" and "what do they do?" and a blank stare. All while I am bawling.

He gives me the ticket and goes in to this whole thing of how I will need to come back to show up for court and ask for a Prayer for Judgment and tell them about how I lost my job and blah blah blah and then he is like "Are you paying attention? Do you need to be writing this down?" I wanted to give him a lecture about how he should stop giving people speeding tickets for situations where he obviously saw why I had sped up and instead go arrest some drug dealers or rapists, but instead I got out a pen and took notes through my tears.

During the ride home I threw a temper tantrum at God. My head was spinning and I just wanted to be safely home and I couldn't understand why I kept having such bad luck. I screamed at God. I told Him I had given my life over to Him and He had just taken everything away from me. I yelled at Him that since He knew every step I would take and controlled my life path that all this was His fault and He needed to fix it. It reminded me of that SNL skit where the guy is talking about the economy and he just keeps yelling "Fix it!" Yeah that was me yelling at God. I screamed that if he could move mountains then He could fix it and I dared Him to. I yelled at the tops of my lungs. I told God I couldn't take anymore, but if He wanted to just rain down fire and brimstone on me "go ahead" because that is what I expected of Him now. It has been so long since I had seen His favor that I didn't believe He had any for me and if He did He needed to prove it. I was so mad. I know people around me thought I was crazy. You might even think I'm crazy, but I had reached my breaking point.

So yeah, I'm still kind of mad at God and I don't think that is anywhere close to how I'm supposed to "pray" but whatever. Three days on the tilt-o-whirl and all this misfortune has done me in. So please just "FIX IT!" God and we can be cool again..ok?

And somebady, anybody please just stop this freaking spinning!!


Anonymous said...

Hey Suz, I know that this won't "fix it", but I am sure that the whole time you were crying and yelling at God He was crying too. He loves you Suz and He feels your hurt just as deeply as you do....maybe even deeper.

Akirah said...

Suz, I was yelling at God today too. You have described it perfectly. I just don't understand why everything I had been given in the past year has been taken away from me. I can't stop wondering what I did wrong to be in such a place right now. I am discouraged in a way I've never been before, but I don't want to be angry with God. I want to trust Him. So I've been asking Him to help me trust Him.

Carolyn said...

Thanks for your honesty. I often want to yell at God (and sometimes do, albeit not directly), and in a way, it's sort of like having another conversation/prayer with Him. I'm sorry about your ticket (and the a-hole cop ugh!), and i hope things start looking up for you.