"Feelings are not supposed to be logical..." -someone famous

I probably shouldn't be writing this right now because it is late and my emotions are high and this is probably TMI, but I'll never be able to sleep if I don't get this out and sometimes my best posts come when I am under these circumstances.

Witty guy and I had what felt like was our millionth heated discussion tonight and it ended up with me just finally saying "It's over" and "Bye". I don't do well with break ups. Its awkward and hard because you don't want to just throw away something you feel like you have worked really hard on, but I felt like that was the direction I was being pushed in and no matter what I said or did, it wouldn't make it better.

Right before I said those words, earlier in the conversation I had went online and canceled my match.com subscription and switched my profile to private. I had kept it active because I had signed up for this 6-month guarantee thing where as long as I had my profile visible and emailed 5 people each month, I would get 6 months free. I'd respond to stupid emails with like "thanks for the email. how do you like Raleigh?" and then never talk to them again just to fulfill the requirements of the guarantee because I was only 2 months away from getting my 6 free months. But witty guy brought up that this was one of the ways that I wasn't 100% in this relationship and trying to make it work. I saw how it could be perceived that way so I remedied the situation.

Every time we had arguments like this I would try to fix whatever it was that was bothering him. But apparently in the end, it was me...my character, little things like not immediately asking how his day was or not sending him sweet texts everyday, or not being allowed to pout at loosing a board game, or not laughing at his every joke. Somehow it ended up with him feeling like he gave too much and I didn't. Yet I felt like I did give and tried to make it work but that I didn't get to have a bad mood every once in a while and he was never willing to address working on any of the things I had issues with. And there was also something about him feeling I wasn't able to laugh at myself enough.

A lot of our issues came down to feelings. In particular if someone was in a bad mood. Feelings are tough. You can never know what another person is feeling, so is it a valid argument for someone's actions to be a certain way because of the way they feel and nothing more? Just because you (the second party in the situation)don't feel that way as well should they be validated in what they are trying to say? Isn't that what compassion is about? Trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes? But once you try to put on their shoes and then say well, no you shouldn't be doing that you should be doing this because of this over here, I think that takes out the feelings quotient. Because you are not feeling what they are feeling. Sometimes actions are driven by feelings, it's a fact and is that ok? And as the second party how are you supposed to know how to react to that when someones actions are based on their feelings?

It was major communication break down. I didn't feel like he was listening, acknowledging, and trying to correct the problems I presented. He felt like I was twisting everything he said. We were going no where. I just kept feeling like he was saying my feelings weren't valid and my actions based on feelings were stupid and he was right and I was wrong. Every fight we have had that is all I heard. I made concessions. I made conscious efforts to try to adapt to his schedule and not say anything about it because it was important to him. I always tried to give him an easy way out if he didn't want to do something. I tried to make it work and I don't know why these fights kept coming up.

Wow, there were a lot of feelings going on and not one of them physical during these fights. That could be a good or a bad thing.

Anyway, my theory is he didn't acknowledge or try to work on any issues on his side because he felt there were none. I tried to tell him what would help our relationship from his side and he would flat out refuse or point out how I don't do that for him.

These fights always left me feeling about 2 inches tall and beaten down emotionally. I felt like it was always my fault. But I felt like sometimes it wasn't. He just didn't see it that way.

I wasn't perfect in the relationship. It takes me a while to give someone my whole heart and he didn't have it yet. I was getting closer. I had told all my friends we were together and talked about him to my mom, I met his whole family, I updated my "relationship status" on Facebook which I had never ever done and I had written about him on my blog. I was in this but maybe just holding on to the sides because I was scared to let go.

And no, I'm not a big mushy texter and not much of a phone person, but I would make efforts. I was trying to work on it. And yeah it is probably unfair to expect that so much when I don't give it back as much.

I just don't know.

But when it comes down to no one is ever going to see the other's point of view and apparently we can't just agree to disagree where do you go from there but in circles? And once the circles get old you just have to yell stop. I didn't know what to do at all. I did try. I was getting there. It doesn't happen overnight for me, but I was trying to make it work. But I guess it didn't and that is very sad.

Note to witty guy if you read this: I know you say there are 2 sides to every story and if you want me to post your side written from your perspective here too I would love to because to see what your side was in writing would probably be helpful for me.