Thursday, June 4, 2009

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical..." -someone famous

I probably shouldn't be writing this right now because it is late and my emotions are high and this is probably TMI, but I'll never be able to sleep if I don't get this out and sometimes my best posts come when I am under these circumstances.

Witty guy and I had what felt like was our millionth heated discussion tonight and it ended up with me just finally saying "It's over" and "Bye". I don't do well with break ups. Its awkward and hard because you don't want to just throw away something you feel like you have worked really hard on, but I felt like that was the direction I was being pushed in and no matter what I said or did, it wouldn't make it better.

Right before I said those words, earlier in the conversation I had went online and canceled my subscription and switched my profile to private. I had kept it active because I had signed up for this 6-month guarantee thing where as long as I had my profile visible and emailed 5 people each month, I would get 6 months free. I'd respond to stupid emails with like "thanks for the email. how do you like Raleigh?" and then never talk to them again just to fulfill the requirements of the guarantee because I was only 2 months away from getting my 6 free months. But witty guy brought up that this was one of the ways that I wasn't 100% in this relationship and trying to make it work. I saw how it could be perceived that way so I remedied the situation.

Every time we had arguments like this I would try to fix whatever it was that was bothering him. But apparently in the end, it was character, little things like not immediately asking how his day was or not sending him sweet texts everyday, or not being allowed to pout at loosing a board game, or not laughing at his every joke. Somehow it ended up with him feeling like he gave too much and I didn't. Yet I felt like I did give and tried to make it work but that I didn't get to have a bad mood every once in a while and he was never willing to address working on any of the things I had issues with. And there was also something about him feeling I wasn't able to laugh at myself enough.

A lot of our issues came down to feelings. In particular if someone was in a bad mood. Feelings are tough. You can never know what another person is feeling, so is it a valid argument for someone's actions to be a certain way because of the way they feel and nothing more? Just because you (the second party in the situation)don't feel that way as well should they be validated in what they are trying to say? Isn't that what compassion is about? Trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes? But once you try to put on their shoes and then say well, no you shouldn't be doing that you should be doing this because of this over here, I think that takes out the feelings quotient. Because you are not feeling what they are feeling. Sometimes actions are driven by feelings, it's a fact and is that ok? And as the second party how are you supposed to know how to react to that when someones actions are based on their feelings?

It was major communication break down. I didn't feel like he was listening, acknowledging, and trying to correct the problems I presented. He felt like I was twisting everything he said. We were going no where. I just kept feeling like he was saying my feelings weren't valid and my actions based on feelings were stupid and he was right and I was wrong. Every fight we have had that is all I heard. I made concessions. I made conscious efforts to try to adapt to his schedule and not say anything about it because it was important to him. I always tried to give him an easy way out if he didn't want to do something. I tried to make it work and I don't know why these fights kept coming up.

Wow, there were a lot of feelings going on and not one of them physical during these fights. That could be a good or a bad thing.

Anyway, my theory is he didn't acknowledge or try to work on any issues on his side because he felt there were none. I tried to tell him what would help our relationship from his side and he would flat out refuse or point out how I don't do that for him.

These fights always left me feeling about 2 inches tall and beaten down emotionally. I felt like it was always my fault. But I felt like sometimes it wasn't. He just didn't see it that way.

I wasn't perfect in the relationship. It takes me a while to give someone my whole heart and he didn't have it yet. I was getting closer. I had told all my friends we were together and talked about him to my mom, I met his whole family, I updated my "relationship status" on Facebook which I had never ever done and I had written about him on my blog. I was in this but maybe just holding on to the sides because I was scared to let go.

And no, I'm not a big mushy texter and not much of a phone person, but I would make efforts. I was trying to work on it. And yeah it is probably unfair to expect that so much when I don't give it back as much.

I just don't know.

But when it comes down to no one is ever going to see the other's point of view and apparently we can't just agree to disagree where do you go from there but in circles? And once the circles get old you just have to yell stop. I didn't know what to do at all. I did try. I was getting there. It doesn't happen overnight for me, but I was trying to make it work. But I guess it didn't and that is very sad.

Note to witty guy if you read this: I know you say there are 2 sides to every story and if you want me to post your side written from your perspective here too I would love to because to see what your side was in writing would probably be helpful for me.


Chrystina said...

reading this whole post made me feel like i was reading a snippet of my life right now, word for word. Me ofcourse, being in your spot. I can relate. And in so many ways act the same way, feel the same way, and deal with the same things in this post.

It's really hard when you think youre talking till youre blue in the face and the person never listens. Yet you feel you try your best to help the situation but the person never does the same for you.

It hurts when you feel for your life that you are giving SO much, but that other person feels you arent doing anything because they have a different rate system as to what you do in a relationship.

the truth is, people are different, some people can communicate and work things out, but a lot of people just butt heads constantly and sadly what can one do when that happens? if the other wont listen there really is nothing you can do until one night you get too fed up and say the only solution that will help " its over"

Im sorry this happened hun, but reading this really helped me come to terms with what im dealing with and frankly, show me what needs to be done. i dont mean to be rude and say your pain and emotions helped me in my situation, im just trying to say you really painted a clear picture, and it was beautiful while being sad. I think your communicate and express yourself perfectly. And you cant do all the communicating, people have to meet you half way

Optimistic Pessimist said...

I'm sorry things didn't work out. Communication is obviously extrememly important and if you guys couldn't get on the same wave length it would be hard to make it work.

Also - I think it's amazing that you would be willing to post his side of the sotry of your blog...very bold brave move!

Steph said...

I love you for all the things you are and all the things you are not.

heidi said...

Suz, maybe it's just me, and maybe I don't have the full story, but it sounds like you were working really hard. Granted, sometimes in relationships one person does work harder than the other, but it sounds like that might've been more the norm for you. At that point, if it's not satisfying for you, then good for you for being able to say "bye." (By the way, there's a great line from the movie "Waitress" that's kinda similar!)

Akirah said...

Mmmm. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It sounds like you put in a lot of you invested a lot...and you didn't get a positive return. That's always the worst feeling. I hope that writing it down helped...and I hope if he does read it, it makes him think a bit. It might good for him to write his feelings down too. I hope you find some sort of closure, you know?

Anonymous said...

I have felt the same way as you before, I know where you are coming from. You are a very strong person though, and I am glad that you stood up for yourself and you knew when it just wasn't going to work. I wish I could do that. It is hard now, but it does get better. Plus, now you can date the guys I have been meaning to introduce you to. LOL, if I could just get it together and plan something.


Moonjava said...

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you! It just wasn't meant to be, and I'm sure you'll meet your special someone one day.

I understand the thing about texting and such. I'm not much of a texter myself even to just friends.

Camellia said...

After spending ten years trying to change myself enough to suit my husband, and trying all the things to fix the marriage (counseling, self-help books, etc.), I finally had to acknowledge that nothing was going to change and I just didn't have anything left to try. I was drained, exhausted, numb.

When I told him I wanted a divorce he said, well, too bad, he didn't want one. When I asked him then, if that was the case, why didn't he try to help me make things better, he said flat out, "I thought you were just going through a phase and I didn't have to do anything." All I could say was, "Ten years is a pretty damn long phase!" and go find a lawyer.

Sometimes it takes us longer to reach that point than we ever thought it would. The trick is to recognize it when it comes. Sounds like you did just fine in that regard.

Now I hope you just kick back, relax, and learn what it's like to just be yourself, by yourself. You are a different person now than you were the last time you were single, so please take some time to get to know this exciting new person.

Best of luck.