Thursday, October 28, 2010

I give up

I am giving up on dating.  Forever.  I am just not cut out for it.  It hurts.  It’s exhausting.  And I am giving it up for good.  So don’t try to hook me up with your friend that you think I’d be perfect for.  And no I don’t want to give you my number because you bought me a drink at the club.  And eHarmony and Match.com, please lose my contact information.

I am secure in who I am.  I like me.  I really really do!  If I didn’t, I think things would be much worse, but I am happy with me and my life.  That is why I don’t think the effort and hurt with dating are worth it.  I would much rather just do without.  A few years ago things could crush me and destroy my self esteem.  And they still damage it really bad, but they don’t destroy me because I’ve spent a long time working on me and getting to know me.  My identity doesn’t come from them.  It comes from God and knowing I am just who he wants me to be- not perfect, just me- His daughter.  

But I’d rather have none of that pain from rejection and frustration in dating.  I’m tired of hope being killed.  There's a reason I fear the giddyness.  My poor little heart has just been through too much.

So I am giving up on the dream.  No ring.  No wedding.  No children.  No movie love.  I have been very unlucky in love and I think that is a sign.  Not everyone gets married and has kids.  I can be one of those people.  Yes, being lonely sucks, but it is better than letting other people in my little bubble - (people who shouldn’t even matter)- only for them to make me feel like crap.

So no more “It happens when you least expect it.”, “Put yourself out there”, “You’re too picky”…none of it.  I am taking love out of the equation.  I already got to have love once and that is more than some people can say.  So I am just going to be satisfied with that and giving up on the dream.

Do I still hate being single?  Absolutely.  But I despise dating that much more.  No more uncertainty.  No more vulnerability. No more games.  I'd rather take the occasional loneliness and awkwardness.

I have a God that loves me.  I have a dog that is head over heels for me.  I have a mom that makes me feel like I mean the world to her.  I have so many amazing friends who love every bit of me.  I have a cat that loves me in his own weird cat way.  I have a great job and a roof over my head.  What more could I ask for?

10 comments:

MandaMog said...

This is a really depressing post, though I totally know where you're coming from. There are certain things in life that trigger single-depression in me: PMS, The Holiday (the movie, I don't know why, but it leaves me depressed for several days), college homecoming, going to a good friend's wedding, etc.

Don't give up! Just admit you're really discouraged about it, then pray your guts out that God will guide your heart, emotions, and thoughts. And DON'T fall into the trap of doing something stupid to make yourself feel better. Ben & Jerrys just makes you fat. Expensive shoes come with a credit card bill and give you blisters. Allow yourself to be depressed for a day or two, then force yourself to get a move on with life! God has made you completely fabulous!

chroniclesofcara said...

I just read a book called 'God is a Matchmaker' by Derek Prince. In it it talks about seeking the Lord regarding whether it is in His will for us to marry. I think a lot of us (including myself) miss this step and assume that marriage is in our futures. Perhaps you should consider seeking God on this, as I am. Somehow, considering the possibility that I am not designed for marriage is comforting- although God will have the final say.

Melissa Leeanne said...

A couple things - being happy with yourself and your life is a really positive thing and I hope that, eventually, it brings the love to your life that you desire. Without all the shit that comes with dating.

The second thing is this - you seem to lament the lack of ring and wedding, etc. How about this:

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE69L0NY20101022

A Taiwan woman, in defiance of tradition, married herself. Have fun and do what makes you happy, including throwing yourself a big party celebrating you and the person you love most, also you.

AuntBT said...

Just remember you are fantastic, who cares about the rest! :)

getting thru highschool!! said...

hang in there :) but remember god will send u the right person when he believe u are ready! its all a part of his plan! :)

Abby said...

You could be like Queen Elizabeth I she was one of the most powerful monarchs of England. They referred to her reign as the Golden Age for England. She never married even though her advisors desperately tried to get her to. She announced that she would be married to God, becoming the Virgin Queen. We all know she wasn't a virgin but the point is that she is an example of how a woman, even in the 1500s, did not need a man. She shows us that power comes from within.

Love you Susan.

Ally :) said...

mmkay, don't give up - dating does suck, but you know its worth it in the end :) just dont waste your time on nobodys, find somebody that is worth your time.
be postive. be optimistic. be confident. get it girl :)

Ps. just randomly found your blog and i love it :)

Amber @ A Little Pink in the Cornfields said...

Don't give up. Take a break, that is okay. But, don't give up. It's true that you never know when it's going to happen. I think the MOST important thing to do before finding true love is to make yourself happy. You have to work on yourself before giving yourself to someone else and honestly? I think that is exactly what you're doing! So, don't change a thing. Work on having fun all the time and it will happen. You don't strike me as the type of person that doesn't get married. You will totally get married some day. Definitely.

Anonymous said...

"The flowers the gorgeous, mystic, multicolored flowers are not the flowers of life, but people, yes people are the true flowers of life; and it has been a most precious pleasure to have temporarily strolled in your garden." Good luck with it all...you're a beautiful human being.

amore vita (love life) said...

I dont know you, I came across your blog the other day and the whole list before your 30 is what caught my eye. But, as for the love factor, I completley one hundred percent agree with you. Dating is the worst thing in the world, putting yourself out there time and time again just to be rejected, why would someone purposley do that?

For some people finding "love" is really easy, they find in over and over again. Then there are other people that can't find it at all. I have that problem. But for me, I don't give up, because then there is nothing to look forward to. Even if getting butterflies in your stomach is only for one night it is worth it. I just try to not expect anything out of it, that way I dont get hurt in the end.

Of course this way is easier said than done, especially when you meet someone that you think you could truly fall for. But to just give up is being lazy, we aren't meant to be alone, we need that companionship. Even if it is hard to find. It's worth the heartache if in the end you end up with someone that you can tell all your deepest secrets to, your best friend. Everyone needs one.

Don't give up, if anything just take a break.