I give up

I am giving up on dating.  Forever.  I am just not cut out for it.  It hurts.  It’s exhausting.  And I am giving it up for good.  So don’t try to hook me up with your friend that you think I’d be perfect for.  And no I don’t want to give you my number because you bought me a drink at the club.  And eHarmony and Match.com, please lose my contact information.

I am secure in who I am.  I like me.  I really really do!  If I didn’t, I think things would be much worse, but I am happy with me and my life.  That is why I don’t think the effort and hurt with dating are worth it.  I would much rather just do without.  A few years ago things could crush me and destroy my self esteem.  And they still damage it really bad, but they don’t destroy me because I’ve spent a long time working on me and getting to know me.  My identity doesn’t come from them.  It comes from God and knowing I am just who he wants me to be- not perfect, just me- His daughter.  

But I’d rather have none of that pain from rejection and frustration in dating.  I’m tired of hope being killed.  There's a reason I fear the giddyness.  My poor little heart has just been through too much.

So I am giving up on the dream.  No ring.  No wedding.  No children.  No movie love.  I have been very unlucky in love and I think that is a sign.  Not everyone gets married and has kids.  I can be one of those people.  Yes, being lonely sucks, but it is better than letting other people in my little bubble - (people who shouldn’t even matter)- only for them to make me feel like crap.

So no more “It happens when you least expect it.”, “Put yourself out there”, “You’re too picky”…none of it.  I am taking love out of the equation.  I already got to have love once and that is more than some people can say.  So I am just going to be satisfied with that and giving up on the dream.

Do I still hate being single?  Absolutely.  But I despise dating that much more.  No more uncertainty.  No more vulnerability. No more games.  I'd rather take the occasional loneliness and awkwardness.

I have a God that loves me.  I have a dog that is head over heels for me.  I have a mom that makes me feel like I mean the world to her.  I have so many amazing friends who love every bit of me.  I have a cat that loves me in his own weird cat way.  I have a great job and a roof over my head.  What more could I ask for?

Paintball Fun and Purse Envy

It's been a while!  Things have been busy in my world lately.  Work is crazy, I've been out of town every weekend this month.  And I have been staying up late on the phone for the past week or so.  Which did not leave much time for blogging!

Last week my team at work went off site for a team building activity.  We went to the woods in the middle of nowhere and played paintball.  First of all, I have seen people come back from playing paintball and they always have bruises where they got hit.  I was not looking forward to getting bruised and was so scared what I would feel like to get shot!  Secondly this place was called Xtreme Combat Warfare Training Center.  Ummm what?  That sounds really intense for my tastes.

Anyway, it turned out to be really fun!  I can probably say this because I managed to not take a body shot the entire time we played!  My gun got hit once and I got hit twice in the face mask.  The very first game, me and one other girl on my team were the last women standing!  In fact I was in the last one standing group a lot that day!  We played like 8 games and my team only lost 3.  And one of them wasn't because we all got shot, it was because we couldn't locate the hidden bomb in time after we had shot all of the other team.

We played all day and it even rained on us, but I think we all had a ton of fun!  I am pretty good at hiding and being the sniper.  I was so sore the next day though from all the crouching down I had to do behind the bunkers.  It was seriously so much fun though!

This weekend I went to Homecoming at ECU.  I didn't have this intention, but I partied like a college student Saturday night...and paid the price Sunday morning.  I did get to meet two of the ECU football players out on Saturday!  I would have never recognized them, but one of my guy friends came up while we were talking to them and said "Hey man, ya'll play football don't you?"  Turns out they are starters and actually really good!  I thought that was kind of cool!

I know this is materialistic, but I have been having purse envy lately.  I got one free from work a few months ago:

And I love it, but I want a new one.  I love the dark purple colors I have been seeing lately, but I also have my eye on these:

JPK Paris Nylon Bucket Bag w/ Chunky Hardware- Nordstrom $165

 Furla Leather Madeleine Drawstring Shopper Tote- Bluefly $297

Micheal Kors Oversized ID Chain Hobo- Nordstrom $328

I also love this Micheal Kors watch

Macy's- $225

Since when did I get such expensive tastes!?!  I love these things, but I would not drop that much cash on something without thinking about it for a LONG time.  Plus, I have been saving up for my hardwood floors, so I have been on a shopping sabbatical.  Which is why I think I am craving so many pretty, expensive things!

I probably won't get to post again until after Halloween!  I'm going to the annual Halloween party my friends throw this weekend- I think this might be their 6th!!  Here's a little preview of what Cam and I are both going to be this year:

I hope you all have a Spooktacular Halloween!!!

Weekend Wrap-up

I got a big surprise this weekend. I got to go to the ECU/State game! This was a big game- sold out weeks ago. My friend’s husband got sick and couldn’t go so I got to take his place! It was GREAT! It was a HUGE game and great people watching because it is an in-state rivalry. Plus it was my first game in Dowdy-Ficklen this year. Here are some pics:

WE WON!! It was an intense game! We were up 21-0 at the end of the first quarter which I think surprised a lot of people! We were some happy Pirates! But by the end of the game we were all tied up and it went in to OT. We went first and scored but missed the extra point…that was it…it could be all over in a minute and we’d lose by 1. But we intercepted a pass right at the end to finish the game 33-27! The crowd went crazy and everyone in the stadium was cheering and dancing- even the players and coaches. It was great!

I was supposed to go to see Dave Ramsey Live on Saturday. He does these financial seminars on how to get out of debt and have financial peace. I bought 2 tickets when I was high on Ambien one night a few weeks ago, because I really liked the idea of paying off my car and eventually my house and having absolutely no debt. But really now that I think about it I probably don’t need his class that much. I am pretty good with money and the only debt I’ve had since college is my car and my house, which isn’t too bad considering how tight things got last year. Anyway, I wasted $50 on those tickets because I ended up going to the football game. You can see where my priorities are.

I watched the best movie this weekend- Hachi- A Dog’s Tale. It is based on the true story of the dog that waits at the train station for his master everyday, even after the master dies and never comes home. I was bawling my eyes out. I am so head over heels for my dog- seriously sometimes my heart could burst with the love I have for him- and I can’t imagine what would happen if I died or what’s going to happen when he dies. I was crying and cuddling Cam and told him I didn’t ever want to leave him.

Sunday I decided to rent Entourage. I have never watched this show and they didn’t even have Season One at Blockbuster, so I rented Season Two. I watched the entire season yesterday! I LOVED it! So now I have to catch up on the rest of the seasons!

And last night I spent 2 hours talking to a boy on the phone- it was nice and he makes me laugh- but I’m trying not to think too much about it…yet :)

Random Thoughts Thursday

When leaves turn colors in the fall, do all the leaves turn yellow, orange, and then red or are some trees red, some orange, and some yellow?

I was supposed to go play paintball for a team building activity for work today but we got rained out. I’m secretly thankful because I have this huge fear of guns and getting shot. In fact I would love to never ever in my life get shot- with a bb, a paintball, a bullet, nothing. I don’t like to purposefully injure myself and I heard those suckers can really hurt and leave bruises. But it’s been rescheduled for next week so I guess I will have to face my fears then!

I was nervous as crap today and yesterday because the two bosses on my team wanted to “talk” to me. I started getting scared they were going to let me go! But they wanted to tell me what a good job I was doing and how people not even on our team were complimenting my work! And I got a little reward! Yay!

I’ve finished 3 weeks of my Couch 2 5K program and I rewarded myself with a manicure/pedicure for the wedding this weekend. Why is it when I get a manicure it doesn’t even last a week? It is already starting to chip!

I haven’t gone to the gym this week because my gym buddy injured her leg when we were dancing in the fountain at the Mint museum this weekend. Oh I didn’t mention the fountain dancing- yeah, that’s because I didn’t remember it until she texted me on Monday and asked how we ended up in the fountain! Luckily I did not slip and fall so I didn’t have a physical reminder. I know I could go to the gym on my own, but I’m lucky to get my C25K runs in this week because I have felt like crap all week!

Treseme came out with a new dry shampoo. I am so excited to try it and I hope it works because every other dry shampoo I’ve tried is so darn expensive!

That’s all I’ve got. What are your random thoughts this Thursday?

The Hangover

It's been 33 hours since I had my last sip of alcohol on Saturday night but I still feel hungover!  I am 30 years old.  I should know better and take steps to avoid these and I usually do, but for some reason, weddings push me straight to the bar.  It's now Monday morning and I made it to work (barely) but I still feel like crap. 

If I had it to do over again here are some things I would have changed:

1. I would have planned my time better and ate a big lunch.  I was running behind an hour from the moment I woke up.  But I was bound and determined to fit in my Cto5K run, shower, pack, drop Cam off at doggie day care, AND get a manicure/pedicure before I left Raleigh. 

This hectic morning led me to running a hour behind by the time I got on the road.  And despite driving 80/mph I never made up the time.  I stopped at a Sheetz to get gas and get something to eat since I had not had breakfast or lunch.  Let me tell you, their selection sucks!  I got a bag of baked lays and a chicken salad wrap.  But when I bit into the chicken salad, it made me want to vomit!  I was starving, but there was no way I was eating that crap. So all I had by the time I made it to the wedding at 6:00 pm was a bag of baked lays.

2. I should have eaten some gingersnaps and had some cider while we waited.  But I was so afraid by the time I got some it would be time to sit down.  Plus it was really hot that day, so I just wasn't feeling the cider.

3. I should have waited until after dinner before I said hello to the wine.  But weddings are just awkward to me and so I wanted that liquid courage right away.

4. I probably shouldn't have hung around the bar watching the slide show so much.

5. I proably should have eaten more at dinner, but by that time I wasn't even hungry anymore.

6. I should have asked for a glass of ice water in between each glass of wine.  I always say I am going to do this, but never do.

7. I should not have continued to drink with everyone back at the hotel bar.

8. I should not have accepted that extra beer around the campfire after the bar closed.

I did have fun though!  The wedding was really pretty.  I was mad because they had a photo booth and that's what I wanted to have at my wedding if I ever get married.  It was tons of fun though and I mean really by the time I ever get married EVERYTHING will have been done before so I need to stop taking it personal.

They also had a cool element I've never seen before.  They had a painter paint the ceremony!  And then they displayed the painting at the reception.  I thought that was really cool.

I didn't meet any new boys there.  The "crush" was there, but nothing more than the usual awkward flirting was done with him.  I do think I kissed a random boy back at the hotel bar that was playing the piano for me, but 10 minutes later I decided he was weird and went and sat between two of my really good guy friends and they pretty much told him to leave me alone.  I kind of feel bad for the dude now that I think about it. 

Oh well I made it home safe and sound but despite all my efforts I just cant shake this thing!

1.I've chugged water and taken tons of Advil over the last 24 hours.

2. I had greasy french fries for lunch and taco bell for dinner yesterday, but none of the bad food is helping.

3. I had a big fizzy coke which usaully works, but not this time. 

4. I slept on and off on the couch for 4-5 hours yesterday and got a full 9 hours last night.

Any other suggestions?

Fill in the Blank Friday

1.   The first thing I do in the morning to start my day is     either get gym clothes on or turn on the today show and hop in the shower.

2.  Today I wish I was   working from home- almost everyone works from home on Fridays in my office.  Unfortunately I have 2 meetings this afternoon so I have to be here- grrrr  .

3.  If I had an extra $100 in my bank account today I'd       save it for my hardwood floors fund    .

4.  Tomorrow     I have a wedding to go to in Charlotte and I’m hoping to have a legendary time .

5.  Two things that don't go together are     hammers and panties- they say that on the morning radio show I listen to all the time and it cracks me up .

6.  Something I can never pass up at the grocery store is        milk and it always goes bad before I drink it- I noticed last night I have 2 half gallon containers in the fridge and they have both expired.  One of them wasn’t even opened yet  .

7.  The last time I tried something new was        Wednesday.  I did something new and different at the gym and yes, I was sore the next day    .

Play along over at Lauren's blog.

Parade of Homes

I love houses. It’s what led me to get my real estate license. Ever since I was little I loved to look through those HOMES books when we would go out to eat. I did my senior project on Real Estate. I have been going to Parade of Homes since even before high school when I lived in Morganton. I love to see the floorplans and the neat little features builders incorporate into new homes. I love to see the staging and decorations and upgrades in these “cream of the crop” picks.

Sunday we went to tour some of the Parade Homes here in Wake County. I liked this year because the homes we looked at were more within dream range. We looked at everything from a $200K townhouse to homes is the $500K-$600K range. We didn’t see any million dollar homes this year, but I am ok with that because really, I don’t think I will ever get to live in a million dollar home. I can stretch my mind to think maybe if I work REALLY hard and maybe triple my salary and marry REALLY well I might be able to afford a $400K-$500K home one day. (average homes around here are more in the $200K range)

One of the hottest things this year-- MUDROOMS!:

I LOVE mudrooms or little built-ins right by the door to organize all the things you and your family take with you every day. I imagine a day when I will ban shoes inside my house and have baskets or cubbies for my family (if I ever have one) and their shoes and bookbags. Mudroom built-ins are just so cute and functional.

One house also had an AMAZING closet. It looked something like this but better:

It was connected to the master bath on one side and the laundry room on the other. I think that is so functional!

Other things that seemed to be popular were:

Really open floorplans- kitchens/den/breakfast nooks that are completely connected
Screened-in porches
Front porches
Hardwoods laid on the diagonal
Decorating touches in orange
Small or non-existent yards
Garages on the side or in the back of the house

There were 2 houses that I really loved and only one I really didn’t like. I love the rocking chair front porches. I love the rich wide plank hardwoods. I love the granite. I love the fireplaces. I love the jack-n-jill bathrooms. I love the first floor masters. I love the open floor plans. I hate the small yards and your neighbors being 6 feet away, but if I could afford a house that nice, I think I would be able to deal with it!

I really should have taken some pictures to share with y'all!

We only got to see a small selection of the houses so maybe I will have some free time later this month to go explore some more! The homes are open the next 2 weekends from noon-5pm.

Click here for more info