Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Running out of time

Tomorrow will be my last birthday in my twenties. Oh my gosh I am so old!

When I was in high school and would try to envision what my life would be like at 30. I thought I would be married with at least one kid. I thought I would be a grown up. Instead I am single and somewhat responsible, but by no means do I feel like a grown up. I’m not married and have no prospect of getting married within the next year. And if I got pregnant and had a baby next year I don’t think it would be a joyous thing that I had planned out.

Even when I was 25, 26 or even 27, I thought I would be settled down by 30. But now I have given up hope on that (almost, unless a miracle happens and I fall head over heels and elope with someone after only a few months of knowing them.) I don’t know why this marriage thing is such a big deal. I just feel like my life is kind of on hold until that happens. I want to build a life with someone. Isn’t that what you are supposed to do? First comes love, then comes marriage, and all that crap? But what do you do before that? After you have finished school and started a career, but before you are married and having babies. What do you do during that in-between time?

Right now, I just feel like I am just passing my time. That is kind of what the 30 before 30 list is. Sure it is a list of things I want to do, things I think that will make me better in some way, or would be a good experience to have, but most of them are just things to occupy my time until my life really begins. I know intellectually I shouldn’t view things this way, but I do dang it. I hate it. I am a very independent person and I don’t like feeling like my life is dependant on finding a husband. But it seriously stresses me out sometimes.

It wouldn’t stress me out so much if I didn’t have constant reminders that everyone else’s life seems to be chugging along just fine while mine is stalled out. The constant reminder is showers. For the last 8 years or so, my life has seemed like a never-ending revolving door of bridal showers, bachelorette parties, and baby showers. I am still happy for my friends, but when you are printing out the 500th registry and spending $40 on a gift for someone else instead of a much needed pedicure for yourself, you start to resent it a little. I want a shower dang it. I want to take a little zapper gun and make a list of everything I want at Target and have someone else buy it for me. The last time I got more than one present in a day from people who weren’t related to me, was probably my 10th birthday or something. Back when birthdays were fun and you had hello kitty plates and gift bags.

I’m jealous. I’m bitter. I’m tired of waiting. I’m mourning the loss of a dream. The closer to 30 I get, the more I find myself turning into the kind of girl I never wanted to be. Ugh, getting older sucks. Any tips on how to get out of this funk?


Themis0307 said...

I know exactly how you feel. For years I have watched all my friends do all the things that I want to do and I feel woefully left behind. What I have to keep reminding myself is that I believe God's timing is perfect. What is meant to happen in my life will happen in His perfect time and if I try to rush it or change it or make it happen...well, then I will be cheating myself out of His perfect gift.

So, while there is no advice I can give, I do believe that you will have all the things you want, just as I will, and in a few years we will look back and say:

"Why the hell did I want to be married with 2.5 kids???"

Or something like that.

Hang in there!

Globetrotting Cacti said...

Your post reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City when Carrie kept going to weddings and baby showers.... hang in there.

Have a wonderful birthday!

Samma said...

Happy Birthday!

I turned 28 today, and although I got married this summer, I have a lot of the same feelings. It's just weird, and I dislike feeling uncomfortable with my age.

Hang in there though! These feelings will pass :)

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

Urgh, yes. I know what you mean.. I haven't yet reached my mid-20s but it seems like I have been restless in my quest to find a good lasting relationship .. and it's like I can't start living until I do. Actually, I used to think that when I would be done with school, I'd start living but that was crap. LOL. Anyhow, in order to cheer you up, I must remind you that it's better to find someone you're truly happy with than to settle with some loser just to "start living". I bet most of those who had showers and parties and gifts .. are not even happy right now. Are you feeling better ?! lol Happy Birthday Suz :) You're fabulous!

AnnQ said...

Happy Birthday!

So, I definitely used to feel the way you feel (and sometimes I still do, although I fight it back really hard).

There's a book a friend recommended to me about two years ago which helped change my perspective on things, especially regarding men and 'wanting my real life to start'.

The name of the book is misleading, as it's a SUPER cheesy name, but I promise it actually has a lot to do with staying in the moment, and how that can help you become the best you can, as well as attract the right person for you.

Here's the author's site, and the book link is on there, too....

Whether you read it or not, just remember even if you're still on the path to your ultimate goal, you and your life are FABULOUS right now! No waiting needed! :-)

:: Jenna :: said...

Happy Birthday!

I can't say i don't know exactly what you are feeling! I am 29 and well my 30th isn't til march of next year, but i look around my family and see everyone else working towards their common goals with their mates and on their 3rd kid already and the more i am reminded of them having their lives set the more i tend to doubt if that will be me.

I kind of always pictured that i would find someone in my late 20's marry around 30 and have children around 32/33? Well I am approaching 30 and although I do have a BF we have been dating just about 9 mons (not that i am trying to hex anything) but i have had a string of 9 month relationships and after it hits that...the relationship dies out...so we shall see.

The only advice i can give or maybe help? is Your life is GREAT at this moment and just live it to the fullest! I always tell people I loved being single, although i feel happier in a relationship that doesn't mean being single sucks! I don't have children yet but sometimes question the fact that IF i have the tolerance for kids....

What i am trying to say is like one who commented before ....DON'T settle! I have seen soo many friends (have attended all their baby showers, parites etc...) rush to get married thinking they are really forming their lives now end up being stuck, divorced, or just absolutely miserable cause they jumped the gun and wanted to start settling! You have a wonderful head on your shoulders and everything going for you why shouldn't you deserve the best companion?

Steph said...

Happy Birthday! Love You.

heidi said...

Happy B-day Suz!

I can relate to what you're saying. Sometimes I'm right in that place too, but then I remember that I've done a lot of things with my life that my married friends haven't done or haven't been able to do. And that's pretty cool. I also recently had an experience with some friends of mine... I looked around and thought, 'yeah, I really don't want their life.' It was eye-opening for me to realize that. For now I am just going to try to be patient, stop asking myself "Why" (why isn't that me, why haven't I met someone), and I try hard to embrace my life.

Suz, seriously you're awesome. Don't forget that.

Optimistic Pessimist said...

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!

I with you on the reminder thing...showers, weddings...it goes on and on. Almost all of my friends got engaged this year. I have one single friend. It's weird being the last one standing.

Lindsey said...

Happy Birthday!!

So, I can see I am totally the old maid who reads your post. I am 33 going on 34 and never married, no kids. I will say that i love my 30s a lot more than my 20s. and, like another commenter stated: when i look around at my friends' seemingly happy marriages, and i know the Truth, being single is not so bad. So, my advice is: do all the things that you will never be able to do once you are married with kids. And, remember, most of your married friends are probably jealous of your single status.
Also, this is so goobie, but i try and remember saint therese: "you are exactly where you are meant to be..."
PS I totally fantasize about that target zapper gun and revenge registry!

Abby said...

You should do like carrie did on "Sex and the City" If you register I will buy you two gifts!!!!!

I love you ---


Anonymous said...

omg, i couldn't agree with your blog more. Love it. It gets me through the day.