Running out of time

Tomorrow will be my last birthday in my twenties. Oh my gosh I am so old!

When I was in high school and would try to envision what my life would be like at 30. I thought I would be married with at least one kid. I thought I would be a grown up. Instead I am single and somewhat responsible, but by no means do I feel like a grown up. I’m not married and have no prospect of getting married within the next year. And if I got pregnant and had a baby next year I don’t think it would be a joyous thing that I had planned out.

Even when I was 25, 26 or even 27, I thought I would be settled down by 30. But now I have given up hope on that (almost, unless a miracle happens and I fall head over heels and elope with someone after only a few months of knowing them.) I don’t know why this marriage thing is such a big deal. I just feel like my life is kind of on hold until that happens. I want to build a life with someone. Isn’t that what you are supposed to do? First comes love, then comes marriage, and all that crap? But what do you do before that? After you have finished school and started a career, but before you are married and having babies. What do you do during that in-between time?

Right now, I just feel like I am just passing my time. That is kind of what the 30 before 30 list is. Sure it is a list of things I want to do, things I think that will make me better in some way, or would be a good experience to have, but most of them are just things to occupy my time until my life really begins. I know intellectually I shouldn’t view things this way, but I do dang it. I hate it. I am a very independent person and I don’t like feeling like my life is dependant on finding a husband. But it seriously stresses me out sometimes.

It wouldn’t stress me out so much if I didn’t have constant reminders that everyone else’s life seems to be chugging along just fine while mine is stalled out. The constant reminder is showers. For the last 8 years or so, my life has seemed like a never-ending revolving door of bridal showers, bachelorette parties, and baby showers. I am still happy for my friends, but when you are printing out the 500th registry and spending $40 on a gift for someone else instead of a much needed pedicure for yourself, you start to resent it a little. I want a shower dang it. I want to take a little zapper gun and make a list of everything I want at Target and have someone else buy it for me. The last time I got more than one present in a day from people who weren’t related to me, was probably my 10th birthday or something. Back when birthdays were fun and you had hello kitty plates and gift bags.

I’m jealous. I’m bitter. I’m tired of waiting. I’m mourning the loss of a dream. The closer to 30 I get, the more I find myself turning into the kind of girl I never wanted to be. Ugh, getting older sucks. Any tips on how to get out of this funk?