Love and Loss

I apologize for this post in advance. I don't know why I am writing this on my blog as opposed to some journal I can hide deep in my dresser drawer. Maybe it is because maybe someone out there has been through something similar and can feel better knowing that someone else feels this way too. Maybe it is because it is such a big part of who I am, how can I hide it.

I am thinking about Josh tonight. Josh was the first and probably only guy I have ever loved. He was killed in a car wreck over 11 years ago. I have a framed picture of him in my bedroom to this day. I also have a scrapbook of all the newspaper articles about his death. There are 3 articles and his obituary. That is how much of an impression he made on people. The articles are not so much about his death, but of the person he was. Almost all of the articles talk about how he was unanimously elected by his teammates as captain of the soccer team. I remember the day he told me he was elected captain. He told me how he couldn't believe it because he was just a junior. He was so humble. The articles talk about how he was liked by everyone, about his passion for soccer, and how he was always poised and positive. He was the best person I have ever known. I was blessed to have the opportunity to love him.

I also have pictures of him, of us. I have postcards he sent me from his trip out west telling me about his adventures and how much he missed and loved me. I have the most beautiful poem he wrote me telling me I had everything he would ever need or want and calling me his "Juliet". I have all the cards I gave him that I found in his room after his death telling him how much I loved him and to have fun at soccer camp and on his trip out west. I look at this book sometimes when I want to remember.

His death was the defining moment of my life. I think the reason his death has affected me more than anything, including my dad's death, is because I feel like my future died with him. Even though I have lived the last 11 years without him, it doesn't feel like I have. The first 4 years were the worst. I was practically asleep. Just going through the motions of life. I still feel like that sometimes now.

I don't know why I am still here sometimes. I keep telling myself that God must have some big plan for me. I'm not sad, just frustrated. Frustrated by the things in life we can not change. Frustrated with not knowing what the future holds. Frustrated with not knowing why I am here.

I often wonder if I would feel this way without this defining moment in my life that I keep coming back to. I am an optimist and usually just roll with life's punches. I am the one who always tells my friends "just let it go" when some little bump comes along. But right now I feel kind of like a hypocrite realizing that is easier said than done sometimes.

I don't feel this way all the time. Most of the time I don't think about it. Just live life and don't think about the past or the future too much. But I get reminded of it every once in a while and tonight was one of those nights.

Tomorrow will be a new day and I will go back to enjoying the rest of my Christmas vacation like I have for the last week (WOO HOO! The break from work was much needed.) And I am especially looking forward to the new year and getting to have more adventures marking things off my list. Because that is what gets me through life, little adventures shared with people I love. From the big ones- like on my list- to small ones like oohing and ahhing with my friends over a house covered in flashing lights choreographed to Christmas music or laughing at getting my butt kicked playing Wii for the first time. Little happy moments like those make the big sad moments that much more bearable.