I'm still alive- Updates and a Fall Bucket List!

Wow!  It has been over 2 months since I have posted on here!  I just wanted to let you all know I am still alive.  I have been so super busy at work.  Over the summer they changed my role not once but twice!  It has been super stressful.  And when your work life gets out of control, your whole life seems to fall apart (since work is such a huge chunk of that!)

I don't have time to give a detailed update.  I wish I had time to write full posts about each of these items, but since I don't here is a summary of what's been going on lately:

- It's ironic my last post was about how this was the best season of Big Brother, because it has actually turned out to be the worst.  I ended up hating most of the people in the house and really don't think any of the final three deserve to win.  My summer without cable TV is over, but I think after this season of Homeland is over I may cancel my Dish account and strictly do online streaming and Netflix.

- I got a promotion at work.  But I'm not really over the moon about it right now.  It is challenging.  And there has been lots of other drama at work.  I really hope things get better.  I miss the days when I used to be excited to go to work and could say I love my job, because that is definitely not the case right now.  But I am thankful to still be there and hopeful that things will turn around soon.

- In August my cat had a medical emergency.  His urinary tract became completely blocked and I had to take him to the emergency vet.  He was in the hospital for 3-4 days and when he came home he was a hot mess.  I had to confine him to my spare bathroom because he was peeing everywhere.  So far it has cost me about $2500!  They wanted to do surgery because he had some crystals adhered to his bladder, but the vet has him on some special food to try to dissolve them.  I'm really hoping it works because the surgery would be another $1400!

- One of the girls from my small group moved to Iowa earlier this year and she is getting married at the end of this month and I am going to the wedding on her fiance's farm in Iowa!  I've never been there and am excited to go.  We are flying up early and spending a few days in Chicago and then driving down to Iowa.  I haven't been to Chicago since I was a kid, so I am excited about that too!  If you have any Chicago or Iowa must sees let me know!

- Speaking of small groups, I am starting one this week!  Ahhhh I am so nervous!  My small group had been together over 4 years and I love those girls.  They will always be in my life even though we aren't in small group together. So excited to see what God will do through this new group and what girls he will bring into my life through it!

- This weekend was pretty awesome.  I ran in the Electric Run on Friday.  It was the most fun run I have ever done.  Way better than the color runs with an awesome party at the end!  I will definitely do it again if it comes back to Raleigh!  We also had Church at the Ballpark on Sunday.  There were over 11,500 people in attendance and 530 of them got baptized!  God is so good!

- I'm so excited for fall!  This summer has not been the best so I'm kind of glad to see it go.  I only got to do a few things on my summer bucket list:

I love fall!  So let's try this again with a Fall Bucket list:

Traveling Solo

Back in March, my boss offered me the opportunity to go to a conference in Austin, TX.  The only downside is they only got approval for one person to go so I would have to go by myself.  I didn't have to say yes, but I had been dying to go to Austin.  The conference was on a Thursday and a Friday so I could easily make a long weekend out of it.  But I am the girl who won't even eat somewhere by herself.  Definitely did not want to go to a city I have never been to by myself.

So I asked some girls in my bible study if they wanted to go.  We all had just talked about doing a trip to Austin because the study we were doing was written by pastors at The Austin Stone, a church we all like and listen to on podcast.  Three of the girls said they were definitely interested so I agreed to go and booked my flights and hotel.  I sent them the hotel and flight info and we all talked about flight options and stuff over email for the next few days.

Well fast forward to three weeks before the trip...one girl backs out because she is doing another trip with her friends in May and just can't afford it.  Two weeks before we go I ask one of the other girls about it and she says she decided she isn't going to go.  She has to work and wouldn't be able to fly out until Saturday morning and it just wouldn't be worth it.  The last girl seems like she is still in at this point, but then today, 3 days before I leave, she tells me she isn't going.

So now here I am.  Taking my first trip completely solo.  5 days days in a big city all by myself.  And I am terrified.  I have flown by myself and navigated to a hotel by myself, but I have never spent time alone in a city I've never been to, where I know no one, completely by myself.

I've cried.  I've prayed.  I asked another friend to go, but unfortunately by this point flights are triple what I paid for mine back in March.  So it looks like I am going to have to be brave and be independent and get through this on my own.

I mean this is like a metaphor for my whole freaking life.  I am tempted on just giving up on people in general and going at this whole life thing completely on my own.  That way no one can hurt me.  No one can let me down.

Friday night I was watching The Client List (don't judge) and a little girl on the show said "My mom said "If you tell someone you are going to do something, you do it."  People need to do this more.  I even took this advice this weekend.  I had told my mom I would go see her the Sunday before Mother's Day (today) since I would be in Austin on Mother's day.  But I had been sick all week, had a million errands to run, and was dealing with the emotional trauma of all this mess.  The last thing I wanted to do was go to High Point.  But I did.  Because I had told her I would.

But apparently most people don't play by this rule.  And I seem to always get the brunt of this.  So the only solution I see is to stop counting on people for anything.  Hopefully this trip will give me more confidence to live a life completely free from dependency on others.  I'm already pretty independent, but I'm not trusting anyone for anything anymore.  Ever.

You know what the really sad thing is.  I think I could do it if I had Cam with me.  (the more people I get to know, the more I love my dog)  He really has helped me get through so much and I don't feel alone when I have him with me.  But I can't take him on a plane unfortunately.  So it will just be me.

So dear readers, have you ever traveled alone?  What advice do you have or me?

30 Days of Thanks- Days 13-16

This week had been crazy!  I've been a little frustrated and negative this week, but there have been a lot of things to be thankful for...

Day 13 I was thankful for...
My Small Group and our awesome leader!

I've been in the same small group (Bible study) for about 4 years I think.  I have grown so much in my relationship with Christ and I've seen the group go through so many changes!  Tuesday I was thankful for our leader Alicia who invited me to bring my dog over to Bible Study and made us yummy apple cider and chocolate chip cookies. I was thankful for such a good time putting together boxes for Operation Christmas Child.  So thankful for God bringing these wonderful ladies in to my life and for them loving me even when I'm at my worst!

Day 14 I was thankful for...
Friends that make me step outside my comfort zone

Wednesday I went with one of my sorority sisters that I haven't seen in forever to a line dancing class!  One of our other sorority sisters teaches the class and it was so much fun.  I have even been practicing some of the dances we learned so I won't forget them.  I am definitely looking forward to going to another class soon!

Day 15 I was thankful for...
Potlucks

Yummy food is always something to be thankful for!

Today I am thankful for...
Nice Co-workers who will watch my dog

I am heading to Charlotte tonight to stay with a friend because we are all running in The Color Run tomorrow!  A guy I work with is going to watch my dog for me tonight.  I am a little nervous about it because honestly I don't know this guy all THAT well even though we have worked together for the last 2 years.  But we have become friends over the last few months and he has expressed interest in getting a dog before so I thought this would be good practice for him.  I'm sure he will do a wonderful job and Cam will have a great time.  It just makes me a little nervous because it is my baby!

Have a great weekend y'all!!

30 Days of Thanks- Day 5

Today I am thankful for...

THIS GUY!!

I LOVE my dog!  Even though he gets on my nerves sometimes and can be really needy and annoying sometimes, I love the crap out of him!  Tomorrow is Cam's 6th birthday!!  I'm going to get him a few treats but unfortunately the celebration may be minimal since Tuesdays are my busiest day because of Bible study and throw on top of that voting...I sadly will not get to spend a lot of time with him tomorrow.  But I will hopefully make up for that with a long run on Sunday.

Prayer Request

I believe in the power of prayer.  I believe because I have seen it work many times.  Two years ago I asked you guys to pray for Bailey's safe return home and it worked!  (Read a more on that story here)  I never thought I could raise over $3,000 for a mission trip when I was at my lowest financial point ever, but I did. When I got laid off a few years ago, I never thought I would recover financially or find a job I love, but I did.  All of those were only accomplished through the grace of God and prayer!

This isn't nearly as urgent but it's something that needs to happen but I need a little help.  There is someone I need to have a difficult conversation with.  Please pray that God will create an opportunity for this conversation to happen and that I will have courage and the words to say.

I know that is very vague, but I promise I will give you more details eventually.

Thanks for your support and for being such loyal readers/friends!  I know I have been slacking in the posts lately.  It's hard to write when your mind is consumed.  But I promise to get back on the regular blogging bandwagon soon!

Friday Letters

Dear Target-

You are a genius.  You knew I would never sign up for a stinking credit card, so you came up with The Red Card.  Now I can save 5% on all my purchases AND get free shipping on my target.com orders??  Thank you and I hate you for making it so easy to spend all my money on you.  I just can't quit you!

Dear Mother Nature-

I am really not looking forward to this heat wave.  A whole week of 100 degree+ days?  In June?  Gross.  I can't wait to see what you have in store for July and August.  NOT.

Dear Cam-

I love your stinking cute face.  But I hate that you can not keep your face out of my face all freaking night.  Can you please just lay down for an hour so I can have some TV time?  Is this punishment for the bad haircut I gave you this week?  Or maybe you are pissed because the heat wave is going to prevent us from taking our daily runs.  Either way, you need to take a chill pill and let me have some relaxation time.

Dear Pool-

I am so glad we have gotten to spend some quality time together this summer thanks to my summer hour Fridays.  I love you and will see you in a few.

Dear California-
I'm so freaking excited I finally get to meet you!  San Diego I will see you soon!

Dear Readers-
I'm so sorry I have sucked at blogging.  I'm going to be back to normal posting with some awesome stuff next week.  Thanks for sticking with me through this quiet period!  Hope you have a freaking fabulous weekend!!

Bronchitis- Ain't nobody got time for that!

I just got back from a run...er...slow jog/walk.  It was terrible.  It's cold out and I'm still coughing and hacking up stuff.  Well about a 1.5 miles away from my house this huge golden retriever comes out of no where.  Cam and I stop and I see a lady in her pajamas on her phone coming out of the garage across the street to get the dog.  We wait because both dogs are kind of amped up like "what's going on...should I attack you??"  I think the lady has the dog so Cam and I start running again.  Well the dog gets lose and chases us.  I keep jogging as calmly as I can to keep Cam calm but do a u-turn to go back up the street to the lady so she can get her dog who is anxiously all over my dog.  We stop and wait until she has him secure on the leash.  I jogged out of that loop, made it about a block further and then gave up.  I just walked most of the way back to my house while hacking up my lungs and spitting up all kinds of nastiness.

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook tonight and I've watched it about 10 times.  Cracks. me. up.  Preach girlfriend!  I got bronchitis too and ain't nobody got time for that!  Especially when you are supposed to be running a half marathon in 3 days!

Christmas Cards

I said I would never do this.  I always had a little thing against photo Christmas cards.  For some reason to me they just seemed more about you than the person you are sending them to.  I mean it is just a picture of your pretty family for someone to hang on their refrigerator with a one line greeting like "Merry Christmas".  You can't even write a personal note or anything really.  I just was never a huge fan. 

But it is just so darn cute to have personalized stuff and I fell for it this year.  I took the cutest picture of Cam last Christmas and made some photo Christmas cards with it this year:

I still like traditional cards better and writing something personal.  I only sent out 20 this year because photo cards are expensive but I usually send out many more and I felt bad editing my list (but I did better than last year when I didn't send out any because I was too immersed in the Great Cat Hunt of '10- BTW yesterday was the one year anniversary of when I found Bailey, my cat, after he had been missing for 15 long, cold days!!). 

One year I made a Christmas CD and sent out a CD of Christmas carols to everyone on my list.  I got a Facebook message from a friend this weekend saying she still listens to that CD at Christmas and thinks of me.  That was probably my favorite Christmas card year.

This year I have only received three Christmas cards though.  Are Christmas cards out of fashion or is it just all my friends that are boycotting the tradition?  Or does nobody love me?  Who knows, but my cute new Christmas card holder looks really sad.

Do you send out Christmas cards?  Do you like getting Christmas cards?  Or do you think it is time to retire the tradition?

Weekend Wrap-up and Sunday Snippets

Hope you all had a fabulous weekend!  Don't the weekends go by way too fast?

Friday I went to a great new restaurant/bar in Raleigh called Chow. It was great! I meant to take a picture of the food to show you guys, but I didn’t remember until the end.

I had the Piedmont Burger which was a burger with melted pimento cheese and a fried green tomato (YUM!) and sweet potato fries (YUM!) and a Mother Earth Weeping Willow Whit beer (from Kinston, NC). It was sooo good!  In fact the best part about Chow was all the local brew choices. My friend got the Hummingbird (from Whitsett, NC) and it was delicious too!

We ate at the bar and watched the Carolina game.  The bartenders were freaking hot!  I will call them Hottie and Youngin.  Hottie had an amazing body and his t-shirt and jeans skimmed every inch of his body just right.  And he had a deep voice with a southern accent which I am a sucker for.  But my favorite was Youngin.  He had these big beautiful blue eyes, great hair and an easy-going demeanor.  He kind of looked like Zac Effron.

 
Saturday I went for a walk/run with my friend and our dogs. Cam overdid it. It was hot out and I think he got overheated and his pads got messed up too. He was about to die. He threw up in the car on the way home and was limping around like an old man all weekend. I took him to the vet today and she trimmed a broken flap off his pad. He also has gained 8 lbs. over the last month!! So he is on a diet now as well.

Sunday I went to church. Here are my notes from the sermon (listen to the whole thing here):

Basically the main message was that if you really understand the Gospel and who Jesus is you cannot have a lukewarm reaction. You will either love him or hate him. He walked us through some of the reasons why people hated Jesus back in the day:

1. Jesus included people of other ethnicities. (this one he related to our church and said the vision is for our church was to be multi-cultural but if you look around our church we are still really “white”. Yes, he went there. And he explained that in order for us to be multi-cultural we will not always do things exactly the way you think we should. We will try new music, new things, new styles. And he pretty much told us we need to stop being such “tightie whities.” Calling out racism in church…that was pretty bold I thought.)
2. Jesus kingdom includes people with dark pasts and present struggles.
3. Jesus’ movement was not a political movement. He said we are not political people, we are Gospel preaching people.
4. Jesus would not immediately right all wrongs or end all suffering. I loved this quote on that subject: “Are we searching for Him for HIM or for what He can do for us?”
5. Jesus focused on heart change, not external obedience.

We are getting ready to launch a new campus at church and I am going to volunteer for the First Impressions team for that campus. Luckily a friend from my Bible study group is going to rotate Sundays with me because committing to every Sunday is just too much right now. We are doing practice runs the next few Sundays and I got to meet some good people (including the super down-to-earth new pastor’s wife) so I am feeling good about this.

Also…drum roll please….no cigarettes in almost 2 weeks! Some days were really hard. I was irritable, anxious, depressed and it was all I could think about for a while, but the last 3 days haven’t been that bad. Only 5 weeks left to go in Lent. But I am thinking now it might not be as hard to just give them up for good.

Merry Christmas to All!

Thank you all for your kind comments on Bailey's return!!  This week we've been trying to play catch up to Christmas.  Everything was on hold during the Great Kitty Search.  But we've accomplished a lot this week.

We took a gift basket and angel ornament to the neighbor that found Bailey.

We finally put up the Christmas tree.

And even Cam has been thoroughly enjoying having Bailey home.

Losing Bailey was one of the worst things, and I never knew how many people go through having a pet go missing.  My Christmas wish is that those who have a missing pet will find them.  On one of the forums I came across during The Great Kitty Search, a fellow poster, Hannah, wrote a beautiful poem for all the missing kitties out there:

I hope that all the missing cats
Come back home today
My greatest hope is that our furry friends
Shall never go astray

I hope when they see that enticing crack
By a door that's left ajar
They wander back to their favorite spot
And think of it no more

I hope there is no reason
For an unexpected thrash against the screen
That breaks them loose from hearth and home
To make us wonder where they've been

If you let them love the outdoors
I hope they stick close to home
That nothing will ever spook them into going
Where they would never think to roam

I hope there is no open vehicle
That invites a cozy nap
That ends up with your best friend
Miles away from you on the map

I hope that if any of the above
Should eventually happen to you
That others will understand your plight
And support you all the way through

Lastly I hope, that any cat
That finds themselves displaced
Runs into a kind and loving soul
Who will see the specialness of their face

Someone who may understand
How far this baby might have roamed
Someone who will help you
By helping your baby get back home

hannah
12/22/2010

So on behalf of all the missing pets and pet owners out there, please pay attention if a missing pet poster goes up in your neighborhood.  Keep a watchful eye out or place out a bowl of food.  I only found Bailey because of a wonderful neighbor that didn't turn a blind eye to my flyer.  I am so grateful for her!

It's such a wonderful gift this Christmas to have him home and puts all that much more JOY into celebrating the best gift ever given- our savior Jesus Christ!  Happy Birthday baby Jesus!!

 I just ordered this cute yard sign on sale from DaySpring!

Wishing you all a Very Merry Christmas!!!

 

It's a Christmas Miracle!!

I have WONDERFUL NEWS! Bailey is home!!  Praise the Lord!!

Friday I was really starting to get down about it and losing hope after my third visit to the animal shelter turned up nothing and not one sighting of him in 2 weeks.

But Saturday I got a call from a woman in the neighborhood behind mine saying she thought my cat might be under her deck. She saw him on the deck eating the food she had left out for him earlier and he was grey with a white patch, but he got spooked and ran under her deck. She wasn't sure how we were going to get him out, but I told her I would be there in 5 minutes.

I took his treats, some tuna, and his cat carrier.  The house wasn't too far from mine- just one street over behind my house and at the end of a cul-de-sac.  I had put up flyers on their mailboxes so that is how she knew to call.  I walked around back and she told me the approximate location under the deck.  The opening to get under there was no more that 6-8" tall and it was so dark under there. All I could see was his eyes! I didn't even know if this was my cat but it was the first real lead so I was going to get that cat out no matter what! I tried treats. I tried tuna. I tried talking to him and he would not budge or make a sound. He could escape from either side and it was hard to watch both sides. You literally had to lie flat on the ground to see what was going on down there.

After about an hour I went and got the cat trap. We set that up on the side he was most likely to go for with some tuna. I tried to block the other side with his cat carrier, my jacket, and a flower box. I asked the neighbor if it was ok if I just sat out there for a while. (She had 2 dogs that were going nuts when she wasn't inside with them and a cat that was very interested in the tuna). I sat on the deck very quietly trying to figure out what I could do. All of a sudden the cat pops his face up and stares at me for a minute (it looked like bailey!) But then he ran right back under the deck. Nothing I tried worked and I was freaking out. I called animal control and they were going to send someone to help. I was kind of losing it by this point though so I called a friend to see if she could come and if nothing else be there for moral support.

I laid on the opposite end as the trap to watch and make sure he didn't bolt before someone else got there. It had been 3 cold dirty hours by this point. I just watched him and all of a sudden he started slowly walking towards me. I backed up far enough that he could get out from under the deck and slowly reached my hand out for him to smell and he reached his head up towards it to be petted. As soon as I got a pet or 2 in I picked him up and put him in the cat carrier. OMG! It was unbelievable but I still wasn't sure it was him!

I thanked the lady and told her if animal control showed up to say sorry we didn't need them anymore and I drove Bailey and I back to my house. Right as I pulled up my friends pulled in and we weren't sure it was Bailey and Scott said Cam (my dog) would know! When I brought him in the house Cam was sniffing his cat carrier and got really excited. I took the cat carrier up to my spare room and opened it and out stepped Bailey! It really was him! He was meowing and super loving. His fur was a little thicker and he was skinny but not emaciated, I gave him food and water but he was more interested in me. He just wanted to cuddle and purr.

I cannot believe it! I am still in shock! He is skinny and his fur was a little thicker at first, but he otherwise seems fine and hasn't stopped purring since he got home.  We are going to the vet this morning to make sure he's ok and talk about getting micro-chipped.

I am so happy!  God did hear all our prayers!  He is my little Christmas miracle!!  Thank you!!

Always wanting the one thing you don't have

It's been almost 2 weeks and Bailey still is not home.  That is all I want right now is for Bailey to come home.  I pray and pray and search and call his name but still nothing.  No sightings.  And part of me is like God could part the Red Sea, why can't he just bring home my cat?

But then I think about all the prayers God has answered- I love my job (yes, I finally admit it...I'm in love.  It makes me smile just driving in and seeing the company sign welcoming me...it's sick I know), I'm not in a financial hardship anymore, I was able to go on a mission trip, I was able to run my 5K two weekends ago without taking any walking breaks, tons of prayers for others have been answered- why is it always the things God is silent on that I hold against him?

First it was finding my husband.  Why couldn't God just let me bump into him at the grocery store?  Why did I have to endure all these sucky relationships?  I used to pray for God to send me my husband every day.  But it isn't as urgent now.  I'm lucky if I remember once or twice a week.  (Ryan Reynolds is back on the market though....I think that is why I couldn't find my husband before, but now he's available!  YES!)

Now my constant prayer is for Bailey to come home.  I sometimes ignore everything else and wonder why I can't have this one thing.  Why is it always the one thing you don't have that takes away all the glory of what you do have?

In other news- I haven't put up my tree.  I haven't shopped.  I haven't sent out the gifts I have for people far away.  I didn't do Christmas cards.  I have no idea what to cook for Christmas dinner and Christmas is almost here!  This is my last weekend to catch up!  I'm starting to feel the holiday stress!

Lessons Learned from a Lost Cat

There is a lesson to be learned in every experience.  Bailey has not been found.  To say I'm devastated would be under-evaluating the situation.  It's been a week.  I am frantic, exhausted, desperate, sad, empty, tense, drained.  


I have done everything humanly possible to find the cat including- over 100 flyers to neighborhoods around me, vets, Petsmart, the grocery store, an email blast by my HOA to my neighbors, Findtoto.com that cost me A LOT and called 525 of my neighbors with a lost cat alert, foot searching everyday (I have worked from home yesterday and today), going door to door (I broke down sobbing at this one poor lady's house), 2 visits to the animal shelter and stalking their website hourly, leaving the back door cracked in case he wanted to sneak back in, spreading his dirty litter box contents around my house to leave a trail to get back, my jacket, his litter box, his favorite hiding tunnel, and a kitty buffet set up on my patio, and the doozy- I got a web cam and have it set up taking pictures of my patio every 2 minutes in an attempt to spot him eating the food.  I also got a humane trap and caught an orange cat the first night, but I have decided to not set it again until I see Bailey eating the kitty buffet on the web cam (if that ever happens).


But as I have processed my feelings throughout this I have learned some important lessons:


1. I now have a glimpse of how God feels about His lost children.  This devastation and frustration is only a shadow of how God feels about His lost children.  Every time I call Bailey and he doesn't respond, that must be how disappointed God feels when we don't respond to His calling.  The desperation I feel for Bailey to just come home is just a small portion of how much God wants us to "come home".  The longing I have for Bailey to be here in my arms is the longing God has to have us within his loving embrace.  He knows "the outside world" is enticing and exciting but He wants you home with Him.  If you don't know God, if you feel "lost",  I am begging, pleading you...God desperately wants you to come home.  He wants to take care of you and love you.  If you want to know God I would be more than happy to introduce Him to you.  I still don't completely know God, but I am getting there.  I would love to share with you what I do know.  Most importantly, the joy I imagine I will feel if Bailey ever comes home is indescribable and would be only a whisper compared to the celebration in heaven when one of God's children "comes home".  Perhaps God is trying to prepare my heart for more missions work?


2. I don't trust God enough.  When Bailey first went missing I searched and searched, but when I didn't find him I turned to prayer.  I asked everyone I knew to pray for Bailey to come home- including the cable guy and other random strangers.  My prayers for him were almost like a constant reel running over and over throughout the day.  But by Monday when Bailey had not come home I turned frantic and felt like God didn't hear me.  I turned into a psycho mommy and bought web cams and traps and only trusted my abilities.  I gave up on God.  I do this in a lot of areas in my life and it almost always leads to heartbreak and pain.  I don't know why my faith is so weak sometimes.


3. Hope is hard and I have no patience.   People always say "don't lose hope" for all kinds of situations.  But "Hope" itself is a hard thing to have.  That longing for the day things will change.  I can imagine the hope cancer patients must have.  I witnessed the hope thousands of missing pet owners have seeing the packed bulletin boards in vets offices, petsmart and the shelters.  And the hope of ALL the animals at the shelters.  There were so many kitties there with nothing but hope.  Hope that someone will take them home and make them happy.  Hope of all the dogs barking anxiously hoping for a home with a yard to run around in and an owner that can be his best friend.  (PSA: If you are thinking about getting a dog or cat, please visit a shelter!)  Hope is one of those things that ebbs and flows.  It gets you up and keeps you going but it is  also so exhausting.   Wikipedia says of Hope "Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best"  When do you give up hope?  I can only think of one instance you should literally NEVER give up hope- Hope in the Lord.  But for these earthly experiences should you ever give up hope?  Hope is frustrating and exhausting.  But if you have ever had to have hope for a long time period over a very uncertain situation, you will know what it means.  The hope builds you up but at the same time wrecks you.


I want to bring the merriment back to Christmas.  I was going to put up my tree and go have fun at all these holiday parties, but I'm just not myself right now.  I am a distracted shadow of myself.  Last weekend I went to a little get-together and my friends could tell and they knew I was not myself.  I have another party to go to Friday.  I am scared because I am not as close to these people and if I am my quiet distracted self, they may think I am a b*tch.  But I need to get out of the house.  I feel like I am losing my mind over this.

Where is Bailey?

Bailey is still missing.  I am devastated.  I am frantic.  I am empty.  I am lost.

I have done everything humanly possible.  I cannot concentrate on or think about anything else.

That is all.

Oh the games they play

My animals are silly.  I think they were trying to be more entertaining than whatever I was watching on TV on Sunday (YAY for fall TV being back!  I *heart* Desperate Housewives and Bothers and Sisters!)


(Sorry the pics are dark and blurry.  I was trying to inconspicuously catch them with my iPhone.)

Unexpected Weekend

Sorry for the delay in getting to the fun stuff I did in Dubai.  I had an unexpected house guest on Friday. 

The longtimer- my high school/college, longest relationship ever boyfriend came up to visit- the one who was engaged...yeah that one.  He called a couple times before I left for Dubai (including the day before to tell me to be safe).  He broke off the engagement with that girl because he said he wasn't ready a couple months ago.  He called the day I got back from Dubai and I told him about planning to go to the beach this weekend and asked if he wanted to come.  (My 2 besties had plans, and the beach is so much more fun when you share it, so why not ask.)

He gave me the typical, yeah we'll see answer that he ALWAYS gives (even when we were together- he has commitment issues). He did not go to the beach with me, but he did end up coming to see me on Friday.

It was weird. Being around someone you know but don't. Someone who knows you but doesn't. We didn't do anything grand. Just hung out and got a pizza and watched a movie and TV. Really boring. But that is him. I would have rather went out and showed him around Raleigh. I did drag him to one of my favorite breakfast spots- The Flying Biscuit in the morning so I could get the oatmeal pancakes I had been craving for months!

We talked about lots of things. We noticed mannerisms in each other that hadn't changed. There was nothing there though except friendship- not that I thought there would be which is why it was safe to see him I thought. He said he probably would end up marrying that girl he broke off the engagement with eventually (which I do not get- why break up with her then?) It was good to see him, but weird at the same time.

Saturday Cam and I drove to the beach. It was cloudy and rainy, so we just watched TV and hung out on the balcony to watch the waves. I LOVED it because I miss my cable. I caught up with Kourtney and Clhoe in Miami, The Jersey Shore, Project Runway and even caught an episode of True Blood!

Sunday we got a chance to go out on the beach. Cam had been on the beach at night before, but never during the day, and never had I let him off leash to play in the waves. He loved it! He kept trying to eat the waves and kept barking at them. He had so much fun!

But he did learn that if you drink too much ocean water you will have explosive diarrhea on the beach which will embarrass the crap out of your mom and get you 2 baths later that day.

Back to work today, but I will try to post about Dubai tonight (with more pictures!!)

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt!

Tonight the neighbors brought over some goodies for Cam and Bailey and me as a thank you for checking in on their cats.  So sweet!  One of the toys in there was a laser pointer for Bailey.  He loved it!  But soon Cam got jealous and wanted to show Bailey how it was done.  He was running so fast trying to catch that little red dot.  All of a sudden I saw what looked like mud streaks on the kitchen floor.  Upon closer inspection I saw that it was blood.  And it wasn't just in the kitchen, it was everywhere!  Blood streaks all over the carpet!

I told Cam to lay down so I could find out where the bleeding was coming from.  I soon saw that he had ripped the pads off of BOTH of his front feet!  I made him stay in the kitchen while I used every drop of carpet cleaner in my house trying to get up the streaks all over my living and dining room.  I still didn't get them all!

He didn't even act like it hurt!  But I cleaned them and bandaged them to stop the bleeding from getting anywhere else:

Poor thing!  This is the second time he has ripped one of his paw pads off!  I feel like a bad mommy for teasing him with the laser pointer, but he loved it.  He would've kept going all night if I wouldn't have seen the blood!  I think that will have to be a Bailey only toy from now on.

And I guess I will either be renting a carpet cleaner or maybe this is a great excuse to get those hardwoods I've been wanting!

He was sure worn out from all that playing though!

Long Busy Weekend!

Whew!  I have had a very busy last 72 hours!

FRIDAY-
Habitat was fun!  We got stuff done a lot more quickly than expected and I was home by 11 am.  I tried to go to the pool to lay out, but I have lost my pool key so I had to call to get them to send me a new one.  Instead I laid out on my back patio for about 2 hours (it was HOT!) and worked on my laptop.  Then I had to go shopping for birthday cards, shower stuff, and presents.  I spent about an hour at the bookstore which I just love doing!  Bookstores make me about as happy as Target!

SATURDAY-

The Vet:
Saturday morning I took Cam to the vet.  He lost some weight!  He got a smiley for that.  He got shots, a heartworm test, fecal exam, that bordatella up the nose thing, and basically the whole work up.  $172 later he got a clean bill of health and a see-ya-next-year.  Seriously...why does the vet have to cost so much?!

Baby's Birthday:
Then I went to my friend's baby's 1st birthday party.  It was packed!  There were a lot of people, a lot of kids, a lot of presents, and a lot of food.  Avery's mom has got it going on in the entertainment department.  They always know how to throw a party.  It was hot though!  This whole weekend in NC was miserably hot and humid!  But it was good because I got to see and catch up with some people I haven't seen in a really long time and Avery was so adorable as always!

Surprise Party:
After that it was mission time.  My BIFF's husband and I had been conspiring to throw her a surprise birthday party.  At one point I really didn't think it was going to happen because there was SO much going on this weekend and we didn't think we'd be able to fit in a surprise party for her.  I even told her one day at the gym that we had been thinking about throwing her a surprise party, but it looked like it wasn't going to work out.  She was really down about the whole thing because she had had some birthday letdowns in the past.  But somehow her husband pulled it all together and all I had to do was get her out of the house so he could set up and get everyone there.

I'm a bad liar but I convinced her that as my birthday gift to her we were going to get mani/pedis and her husband convinced her that his parents were going to take them out to dinner afterwards.  It worked!  She had no idea and was so surprised when she walked in and everyone was there and yelled surprise!  She really had no clue!  It was great!

We all had a great time drinking and eating and playing cornhole (I am actually getting better at that game!).  And this was the first time a lot of us had hung out together in a while!  I just love my friends!

The Crush:
At this party was a guy that I have known for years.  He is kind of a part of our group of friends.  He hangs out with us occasionally and has been on a few trips I have been on over the years. I guess I have had a crush on him for probably the whole time I've known him- about 5 years.  I don't know how to describe it.  He has that way of being completely adorable and really hot at the same time.  And I think he is a really nice guy despite his sometimes bad rep. Sometimes he seemed to not have it all "together" in life and maybe parties too much, but still he has always been sweet and nice to me.  He is a few years younger than me though so sometimes I look at him like a little brother or something too, which confuses the crush side...I don't know it's not a normal crush...I just have a soft spot for him for some reason.

I am pretty sure he was well aware of this crush thing because a few weeks ago I had called and left him a voicemail after one of my worst nights ever of drinking (break-ups will make you do stupid stuff like drink tons of liquor on an empty stomach!).  I don't remember what I said, but apparently I told him what I wanted to do to him in no uncertain terms.  I was so embarrassed, but luckily he called the next day and made a joke out of it and kind of made the whole thing better.  I was so thankful we were able to smooth that over so it wouldn't be too awkward the next time I saw him.

Anyway, somehow we ended up going to his house at some point during the party last night (which was right up the street) and talked for a while (but it didn't look good that we disappeared together).  I SWEAR nothing happened.  Nothing.  I didn't even feel like that about him for some reason last night.  We just talked about our past heartbreaks and life I guess.  I probably shared way more about my life than I should have, but alcohol will do that to you!

At one point I told him I had a high price (I was pretty drunk and that probably made me sound like a hooker).  He laughed about it and said "i want to know what your price is".  I just said "oh, it's really high"... but what I meant was that I don't just give myself away to just anybody.  Here I was with a guy I had had a crush on forever, but I was not really even tempted to have a meaningless make-out session with him or anything.  I just don't do that anymore.  I've had my crazy twenties and kissed lots of frogs thinking it might mean more, but now I know better and even if you want to try to be in a relationship with me I can promise you it won't be some easy casual thing.  I'm looking for more than that and that is what I meant by "I have a high price".  I just couldn't articulate that at the time nor did I really want to.

We went back to the party after letting the dog out (and forgetting to let him back in!) and as soon as we got there it started pouring rain.  We ran and stood on the front porch together forever watching the rain.  I don't even really know why we didn't go in the house.  Eventually we went in and hung out for a little more with everyone and finally I ended up driving home at 5 am after sobering up.

SUNDAY-
When I woke up this morning though I was like "Dang!  I could've marked two things off my list last night if I would have been thinking about it more- ask out a crush and kiss in the rain!"  But things happen for a reason sometimes and I am glad nothing happened last night.  I don't even really know if I have a crush on him anymore...I think it is just some kind of soft spot I have for him because really I don't ever see anything happening between us.  I am not a casual kind of girl and he is nice enough to realize that and not take advantage. Plus I am still healing from my last heartbreak right now.  I'm glad I didn't try to ruin my movie love moment of kissing in the rain just because the opportunity presented itself.

At church this morning we had a guest preacher and he was very different than our normal preacher.  He kind of growled/yelled/sung his sermon?  I don't know how to describe it.  It was not really my thing.  But I thought again about saying "I have a high price" last night but in a totally different way during church this morning.  I DO have a high price.  The price for me was more than I could pay and required the sacrifice of God's son.  I think just knowing that internally was another thing that stopped me from being tempted by the crush last night.  Knowing the price that was paid for me makes me live my life very differently.  I got concerned because I was like "Has the wild, carefree, fun Suz disappeared?!"  But I haven't, I've just changed and won't compromise myself.  I know who I am and what I want so temptations are much easier to tackle.

This afternoon we had a baby shower for my friend who is due in July.  The girl who threw it is so creative and cute!  All the decorations and food were wonderful!  I was in charge of games and the mom-to-be requested not having her belly measured.  I had already done the gift bingo, candy bar diapers, and pin the diaper on the baby things, so I wanted to come up with something different.  We did a baby/pregnancy trivia game (if you live in Raleigh and have ever heard G105's Horseshoes and Hand-grenades game, it was like that). And we did a game where we all had silly bandz and if you were caught saying the word "baby" you got your silly band stolen by whoever caught you.  The one with the most at the end of the party won.  It was fun.  I also got to feel the baby hiccup which was cool.  Pregnancy and the fact that a little human grows out of practically nothing inside your belly is just amazing to me!

So yeah it has been a long weekend and I have a training class to get Six Sigma certified for work all next week, so I think I will be calling it an early night tonight!

Hope you all had a fabulous weekend!!

I love my dog!

One of the best things about life is that each day is a new day. 

On Monday I was so thankful there were only 24 hours in a day.  Ususally I wish there was more because I feel like there is never enough time in the day, but Monday was the worst day I had in a while, so I was more than glad to see it go.

Things are back to normal and I hope I don't have a day like that again for a LONG time.  It was not that anything too horrible happened, I was just not myself at all.

One thing that always makes things better is this guy:

This guy LOVES me!  He knows when I am having a bad day.  He follows me everywhere.  He is always happy to see me.  And he gets so excited about even the tiniest things like going for a car ride.

But the thing both he and I love best?

Cuddle time!

I swear the more boys I meet, the more I love my dog.  If only a boy could be this perfect!

Old Photo

I discovered this new iphone app yesterday through one of the blogs I read (this is how I seem to discover all kinds of great new things lately!). It is called Old Photo and it is only $.99 and so worth it.

Here are some photos I took yesterday with it:










I love great photos! I am defiantly putting "Take a photography class" on my next list.

P.S. Thank you SO SO much to all of you have donated to my mission trip! I never thought complete strangers would support me in this! I LOVE you guys so much! The next deadline to turn in money is April 24th and I need about $600 more before that date. Be praying for a good turn-out for my yard sale!!