Wishful Wednesday- Where is my husband?

If I could have one wish today it wouldn't be hard for me to decide.  There are a lot of things I want.  I want to win the $190 million Power Ball drawing tonight, but money is sometimes too over-rated.  I want to have my dream body, but we don't live in la-la land and I know that if I ever got lazy or ate bad I would lose it.  Besides I don't hate how I look and after almost 30 years of getting used to it, I am who I am.  I want to travel to some tropical island and lay on the beach and let the waves wash my worries away, but that only lasts for that moment and eventually I'd have to come back to the real world.

If I had one wish today, it would be to find my husband.  I know he is out there.  I know one day I will get married because I am just that kind of girl.  And I have faith that my husband is out there just wandering around life and waiting to bump in to me.  But for some reason we just can't seem to find each other!

So who is this mystery man?

I don't know what he looks like.  If I did it would probably be a lot easier to find him!  All I know is that I will be physically attracted to him and through my eyes he will be the most adorable/HOT (depending on the situation) thing ever!

He will have a job.  He may not love his job, but he will have ambition.  He will know that working hard is a part of life and he will at least have the desire to find something that he enjoys and work hard at it.

He will be honest.  He will tell me everything and live an honest, authentic life.

He will keep me cracking up.  I love to laugh and he will love making me smile and laugh.

He'll be goofy with me.  He'll play and be silly and love having random adventures with me.

He'll be a man.  He'll know when to take charge and be a leader.  He will stand up for what he believes in and he'll take care of his family and his home.

He'll be a deep thinker.  He will think about things like the meaning of life and have opinions and thoughts on current events.  And hopefully he'll like to read a book every once in a while.

He'll love my pets.  He will be as head over heels for Cam as I am.

He'll like music.  I don't care too much what kind, but he'll know the value of a good song.  I hope we'll be able to sing along together when a great song comes on the radio.  (and he won't mind my bad singing!)

He'll like to travel.  He will like to see new places and experience new things.  He'll like being on or near water (the ocean, a lake or river, etc.) as much as I do.  I mean I do have a dream of living on a lake one day!

He'll be sweet.  He will surprise me by doing sweet things for me.  He'll make my heart melt with the sweet things he says to me every once in a while- I mean he can't be mushy gushy all the time, but he will know how and when to be sweet.  Maybe he'll even write me love letters!


He'll give good hugs.

He'll be considerate.  He will be considerate of my feelings and what I want and need from him.  He'll be considerate of others and treat people with respect.

He'll know and love God.  Jesus is his savior.

He'll have a passion.  He'll have something that makes his eyes light up and something that he loves.


He will get along with my friends.  My friends are an important part of my life and he will recognize that and he will make an effort to get to know them and become a part of our group.

He'll never break my heart.  He may hurt me at times.  I mean it's almost impossible to never hurt or let down the people you love, but he will protect my heart.  He'll love me too much to ever do anything to break it.

So yeah, if you know this guy and he is still single and looking for me, let me know.  If not, keep your eyes out for him and let me know if you spot him because I am ready.  I'm ready to give him my heart.  I'm ready to love him and build my life with him.  I'm sick of dating and over being single.  I've had years to enjoy the single life and date around.  I'm tired of letting people in my life, becoming best friends with them and then having to say goodbye.  A few years ago, I would have never said this.  I would have been embarrassed to even admit that I want this.  I wasn't ready to commit.  I was still working on me.  And I still am, but now I am ready to commit to working on us.  I'm ready to find someone who isn't perfect, but love them for who they are and someone who will love me for me and understand that we will always be a work in progress.

Opening My Heart and Figuring Out What Love is

One of the things on my list was to open my heart to someone and I can honestly say I have and it wasn't pretty.

Last Sunday I was a pathetic mess. I had texted witty guy late the night before and asked him how he could do this to me. We started a text conversation early Sunday morning but I finally just called him.

I was seriously a mess. I cried. I begged. I showed him every scared, insecure piece of me that I had kept hidden deep in my heart. I told him how much he meant to me. It was like a 3 hour pathetic miserable conversation and in the end it wasn't enough. He wanted to see where it was going to go with this teenage waitress. (I already know what that is all about. I'm sure she is just inflating his ego. She probably thinks he is the bees knees. You know how teenagers are. And that constant ego stroking is a very strong drug. So I get it.)

Anyway, I showed him my heart. He kept saying he never knew how strongly I felt about him and I can see that. I keep my heart and feelings on lock down. Relationship pain can be the worst kind. I had my heart broken before so I try to keep myself at a distance until I feel safe. Until I feel loved.

And I never felt that way with him. I didn't feel like he accepted and loved me. So I kept him at a distance, tried to hide my feelings, but they were there- just waiting until I felt like he wouldn't hurt me and we could really love each other.

But that didn't happen. In the end I got hurt, despite trying to keep my heart secure. When I finally did open my heart to him it was too little, too late.

Over the last week I kept thinking about if I should do it differently the next time. If I should just open my heart from the begining despite how the other person makes me feel. At first I thought I totally would. I would be mushy and gushy and make them feel so loved despite how they make me feel. But now I don't know. I think I should feel loved, accepted, and secure in a relationship before I open my heart.

Love isn't an emotion, it is an action. It is the act of loving that will make me feel confident in a relationship. I know I want a lot out of someone, but I am willing to give the same as what I am asking for, so it can't be too much.

So what is love? What is it going to take for me to feel loved? Well, I truly believe the Bible has a road map and is an instruction book for making it through this life. The whole Gospel story to me is the ultimate example of love and teaches me so much about how I should love and how much I am loved. But also Corinthians 13 is the ultimate passage on love:

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

The first couple verses make the argument that if you do all these good things, but don't do them out of love than they mean nothing. In relationships it is easy to do things selfishly. You may get him an extravagant birthday gift, not because how much you love him but to prove how awesome of a girlfriend YOU are. You make use of physical love hoping to make him love YOU more or just because it feels good to YOU, not to show him your love for him. So I am always going to ask myself why am I doing this nice thing? Am I doing it out of love for him or to get something for myself?


You've probably heard that next passage before if you have ever been to a wedding, but what does that look like in real life?

Love is patient- Are you patient with him? Is he patient with you?

Love is kind- Are you kind to each other? Do you treat each other respectfully?

Love does not envy- Are you envious of your partner? Do you feel like you are constantly in a competition with him?

Love does not boast- Are you boastful and constantly pointing out how you are better than your partner?

Love is not proud- Do you humble yourself before your partner? Does he humble himself before you?

Love is not rude- Are you rude to your partner? Are they rude to you?

Love is not self-seeking- Are you only seeking your own interests in the relationship? Does your partner do things that may not benefit him, but benefit you?

Love is not easily angered- Are you constantly angry at him? Do you feel like he is always angry with you?

Love does not keep a record of wrongs- Do you forgive each other or are you always bringing up "that time you did this..."

Love does not rejoice in evil but rejoices in the truth- Are you honest with your partner? Do you hide things from him? Do you feel like he is hiding things from you?

Love always protects- I love feeling protected. Maybe it is a girl thing. But do I protect him? Do I protect him from not just physical harm but emotional pain- not by hiding things from him, but by having nothing to hide?

Love always trusts- Do I trust him? Do I act in a way that makes it easy for him to trust me?

Love always hopes- Am I always hoping for the best in this relationship or always expecting the worst?

Love always perseveres- Do I always persevere in this relationship? Am I constantly pursuing him and him me?

This seems certainly impossible to do all the time in a relationship right? Well the next paragraph in the passage addresses that. When he talks about putting childish ways behind him, I think he means he doesn't act in that way that is natural to us. Children are great, but you must admit their world revolves around them. When you put away childish ways you realize it is about more than you. It won't be easy. You have to think about more than just yourself. And I don't think in this world we will ever perfect loving each other constantly. People will get on our nerves. We will get tired. We will be selfish sometimes. They will be selfish sometimes.

But there will come a time when Love is perfect. That is what Jesus is to me. Love. He is the perfect example of love and when we come face to face with that we will know love like we have never known before. Just imagine it. We know how great it can be here when we get little glimpses of perfect love. Imagine what it will be like when all the imperfection disappears and we fully see and experience LOVE!

I know I didn't love witty guy and I know he didn't love me. We may have had the feelings and the attachment to each other, but we did not actively love each other each and every day. Both of us are to blame for the failure of the relationship. And it hurts. But I just hope one day I will find myself in a relationship where we do try to actively love each other every day. A relationship where I don't have to keep my heart locked up for fear of getting hurt. I know it won't be perfect, but I want that relationship where we never give up. We love each other and show it and act it out (or at least try to) every. single. day.

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical..." -someone famous

I probably shouldn't be writing this right now because it is late and my emotions are high and this is probably TMI, but I'll never be able to sleep if I don't get this out and sometimes my best posts come when I am under these circumstances.

Witty guy and I had what felt like was our millionth heated discussion tonight and it ended up with me just finally saying "It's over" and "Bye". I don't do well with break ups. Its awkward and hard because you don't want to just throw away something you feel like you have worked really hard on, but I felt like that was the direction I was being pushed in and no matter what I said or did, it wouldn't make it better.

Right before I said those words, earlier in the conversation I had went online and canceled my match.com subscription and switched my profile to private. I had kept it active because I had signed up for this 6-month guarantee thing where as long as I had my profile visible and emailed 5 people each month, I would get 6 months free. I'd respond to stupid emails with like "thanks for the email. how do you like Raleigh?" and then never talk to them again just to fulfill the requirements of the guarantee because I was only 2 months away from getting my 6 free months. But witty guy brought up that this was one of the ways that I wasn't 100% in this relationship and trying to make it work. I saw how it could be perceived that way so I remedied the situation.

Every time we had arguments like this I would try to fix whatever it was that was bothering him. But apparently in the end, it was me...my character, little things like not immediately asking how his day was or not sending him sweet texts everyday, or not being allowed to pout at loosing a board game, or not laughing at his every joke. Somehow it ended up with him feeling like he gave too much and I didn't. Yet I felt like I did give and tried to make it work but that I didn't get to have a bad mood every once in a while and he was never willing to address working on any of the things I had issues with. And there was also something about him feeling I wasn't able to laugh at myself enough.

A lot of our issues came down to feelings. In particular if someone was in a bad mood. Feelings are tough. You can never know what another person is feeling, so is it a valid argument for someone's actions to be a certain way because of the way they feel and nothing more? Just because you (the second party in the situation)don't feel that way as well should they be validated in what they are trying to say? Isn't that what compassion is about? Trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes? But once you try to put on their shoes and then say well, no you shouldn't be doing that you should be doing this because of this over here, I think that takes out the feelings quotient. Because you are not feeling what they are feeling. Sometimes actions are driven by feelings, it's a fact and is that ok? And as the second party how are you supposed to know how to react to that when someones actions are based on their feelings?

It was major communication break down. I didn't feel like he was listening, acknowledging, and trying to correct the problems I presented. He felt like I was twisting everything he said. We were going no where. I just kept feeling like he was saying my feelings weren't valid and my actions based on feelings were stupid and he was right and I was wrong. Every fight we have had that is all I heard. I made concessions. I made conscious efforts to try to adapt to his schedule and not say anything about it because it was important to him. I always tried to give him an easy way out if he didn't want to do something. I tried to make it work and I don't know why these fights kept coming up.

Wow, there were a lot of feelings going on and not one of them physical during these fights. That could be a good or a bad thing.

Anyway, my theory is he didn't acknowledge or try to work on any issues on his side because he felt there were none. I tried to tell him what would help our relationship from his side and he would flat out refuse or point out how I don't do that for him.

These fights always left me feeling about 2 inches tall and beaten down emotionally. I felt like it was always my fault. But I felt like sometimes it wasn't. He just didn't see it that way.

I wasn't perfect in the relationship. It takes me a while to give someone my whole heart and he didn't have it yet. I was getting closer. I had told all my friends we were together and talked about him to my mom, I met his whole family, I updated my "relationship status" on Facebook which I had never ever done and I had written about him on my blog. I was in this but maybe just holding on to the sides because I was scared to let go.

And no, I'm not a big mushy texter and not much of a phone person, but I would make efforts. I was trying to work on it. And yeah it is probably unfair to expect that so much when I don't give it back as much.

I just don't know.

But when it comes down to no one is ever going to see the other's point of view and apparently we can't just agree to disagree where do you go from there but in circles? And once the circles get old you just have to yell stop. I didn't know what to do at all. I did try. I was getting there. It doesn't happen overnight for me, but I was trying to make it work. But I guess it didn't and that is very sad.

Note to witty guy if you read this: I know you say there are 2 sides to every story and if you want me to post your side written from your perspective here too I would love to because to see what your side was in writing would probably be helpful for me.

My Mom Said Don't Talk to Strangers

The weirdest thing happened last night. I was at Target shopping with witty guy and we were looking at the bathing suits on the 30% off rack (I have no idea why because I am no where near bikini ready, but I just can’t resist looking.) Anyway, this girl comes up and starts looking on the other side of the rack. Then she gets closer and closer and strikes up the following conversation:


Girl: “Oh, did you go to ECU?” (I was wearing one of my very old Zeta shirts)

Me: (Smiling) “Oh, (looking down at my shirt) yeah I did” (awkward pause) “Did you go there too?”

Girl: “Oh, no” (long awkward pause while she stands there smiling) “Did you like it?”

Me: (a little confused) “Yeah it was really nice. I did like it.” (still smiling and friendly)

Girl: (to witty guy) “Did you go there too?”

Witty Guy: (a little surprised and confused) “Oh, uh, no I’m from out of state”

Girl: “Oh, ok…” (more staring and smiling and nodding)

Me: (wanting to escape this awkward moment turning to Witty Guy) “Do you like this one?” (holding up a swimsuit and ignoring the girl)

She lingered a little longer as we discussed the pros and cons of the swimsuit, but eventually she got the point and walked away.

After a few minutes I said to witty guy “Was that just really weird?” He was like “uh YEAH!” We discussed why this random girl might have decided to strike up a very random conversation with us and just felt more freaked out and confused by it. I mean I thought maybe she went to ECU too or somehow I knew her from somewhere but really that conversation was going no where and just felt weird! We walked around the store for the rest of the time trying to avoid running in to her again.

I did have to give her props for starting up a conversation with a random stranger, but still it was weird. I would never walk up to some couple shopping and try to start up a random conversation without some kind of point. In fact, I have a pretty big wall up when it comes to strangers. I can manage light conversation and friendliness, but until I get to know you and trust you, I will keep you at arms length. Some people may call it being shy. To some people it may come off as being stuck-up or a little bitchy. But I can’t help it. It takes a little while to gain my trust and have me open up to you.

How about you? Do you talk to strangers?

Christian Dating Ain't Easy

I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about dating on here again, but I need to get this off my chest. Dating as a Christian is not easy. There are so many issues I never thought much about before. If you have truly made God #1 in your life, it will affect your dating life. You’ll try to not let it impede on your relationships, but once you have a relationship with God, you can’t keep it totally separate from this part of your life.

Nor should you.

The main purpose of dating is to find a life-partner for marriage. In the past I didn’t always treat it this way. It was more about spending time with someone I enjoyed and was attracted to. It was about having fun and feeling loved. But now if I am being really honest with myself, I just don’t want to waste any more time like that.

I’m not saying I am in a rush to get married. Yes, I want to find a partner for my life. Yes, I want to be in love. Yes, I want to shower someone with all my affection and silliness. But I am at a point where I don’t NEED that like I used to.

I already feel loved by God. I already can take care of myself and have a direction in my life. I don’t need a boyfriend to make me feel whole.

So this time I am taking my time and trying to find what I really want and what fits well with me and where I am headed in my life.

The shape this has taken for me, doesn't line up with society’s rules for dating. Most of the time people just fall into a committed relationship before they even know each other. It is normal to have sex within the first few months. It is normal to even live with your significant other before marriage.

All of those things I do not want to do.

I felt bad for trying to do things differently this time. I felt bad about asking so much out of a guy and doubted for a while that I would be able to find a guy that would put up with all of this. But I am sure of my decisions. I know this is the right way for me to find what I am looking for. If someone I date doesn’t want to put up with that, then I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

Please realize that I am not saying this should be everyone’s path. Just take the time to figure out your own. Some of it may be “learn as you go”, but once you make a decision, stick to it. Set some guidelines for yourself. As an example here are some of mine:

1. Be open-minded. Sure there may be red-flags about someone, but those one or two things don’t define the whole person. Take time to get to know the person.

2. Keep things light in the beginning. There will be enough seriousness stuff later down the road. Just have fun on those first few dates.

3. Don’t jump into a relationship. It is so easy to just fall in to a boyfriend/girlfriend role with someone you like. But as soon as you make that commitment to one person, you are shutting yourself off from all the other possibilities out there. Take your time and make sure it is what you really want before falling head over heels.

4. Watch the physical stuff. For me, it is VERY difficult to separate my mind, body, and heart. Physical closeness can intensify a relationship, but often times it is a false intensity. Don’t get me wrong, sex is awesome- one of the best things in a relationship. And I know…it is crazy and probably won’t go over well with some guys, but I really believe waiting is the right thing to do. Last year our pastor did a whole series on sex and it totally clicked with me. One of the best analogies he used went something like this: If someone asked you if you would like to have a nice fire in your fireplace, you would love it, but would you want that fire on your furniture, drapes, and/or anywhere outside of the fireplace in your house? Well, that is how God intended sex to be- best enjoyed within the confines of marriage. Outside of marriage it can be dangerous and destructive to the relationship. You can listen to the whole series of sermons on sex here: Exposed

I write about what I am going through in my life on here, so I am sure dating will come up again. And I can’t not write. Writing helps me sort out my thoughts. It lets me get other viewpoints and opinions on here. But I will promise to stick to broad topics and not make it too personal from now on.

Out there for ALL to see

This isn’t a private or anonymous blog. I made that decision early on because a) I wanted to share and connect with people I may have never met in person and b) I wanted to be as authentic as possible. I never wanted to feel like I was a different person here on this blog than I was in real life. I didn’t want this to be a platform for me to be someone I was too afraid to be in real life. There is just one me and I wanted to keep it that way.

I have struggled with censorship on here before. Some things that happen in your life may just be too personal to share with everyone. I try to be as open and honest on here as I can because I thought maybe someone out there can relate to what I write, maybe it would help them to know they aren’t alone, maybe my stories would put a smile on someone’s face today, or maybe they would inspire someone to do something in their own life. You see readers, I love you guys. I write this just as much for you as I do for me.

What I write is just a quick snapshot of what is going on in my life and in my head. And just like with a snapshot, you aren’t getting the whole picture. You can’t see what is going on outside the frame of my post. And you can’t get the whole picture from just a few paragraphs.

It reminds me of the story about the blind men and the elephant. The poem talks about how each man touches a part of the elephant and from just the small part he feels tries to decide what the elephant is like. One feeling a tusk thinks it is like a spear. One touching the trunk thinks it is like a snake. One touching the ear thinks it is like a big fan and so on. But all of them are wrong because not one of them has the complete picture. And that is the unfortunate part about the blog. You will never, no matter how much I write, have a complete picture.

I think I have realized that some things may be too personal to write about here. Especially if they are about more than just me. You see every time someone reads written words, they read them differently than the next person. What my words mean to me could mean something totally different to someone else.

Whoever said “Sticks and stone can break my bones, but words can never hurt me” was gravely mistaken. Words can hurt, sometimes much worse than any kind of physical wound. I have been hurt many more times and much more deeply with words than by any kind of physical pain in my life. I don’t want my words to hurt anyone. So to anyone who has been hurt by my words, I am very, very sorry.

See, that’s why I like your comments. I like your feedback to know how my words are affecting you. I enjoy blogging, but if no one else enjoys my words, I would rather just keep an old fashioned journal. Because a blog is not private. The internet is a world wide forum and you never know who is going to read what you wrote and how it will effect them. If you like what you read let me know. If you are bored by it, let me know. If I’m not really as funny as I think I am, let me know.

I don’t know. I just feel down today. I feel hurt and confused and just really wish I could have stayed in bed. I might need to take a break from blogging for a while.

(Yes, I know you probably guessed witty guy read my blog and didn’t really like what he read. He is a really nice guy and I have a lot of fun hanging out with him so it makes me upset that he was upset. I'm sorry witty guy.)

Right now I am thinking I might never blog about dating on here again. Because dating is about two people, not just me.

Match.com Mondays- Week 5

So this week I had 2 dates with the same guy- witty guy. I liked this guy because of his witty emails and when we moved to phone conversations he kept me laughing.

Our first date was on Tuesday. We planned to meet at a place right up the road from me and we were both excited because they have the best fish tacos ever! We were supposed to meet at “7:30ish” and I was really worried when I hadn’t heard anything from him at 7:25! I called and he was already there (apparently I didn’t get his text! Remember last week’s miscommunication that made me go on a date at 10 pm? Yeah, that was a missed text too! I think AT&T is trying to sabotage my dating life!)

When I got there it was way crowded. Apparently Tuesday night was trivia night and there weren’t going to be any tables available anytime soon. We stood around going ummm for a little bit and then decided to try a place up the street.

The conversation was pretty good and overall the date went well. One kind of crazy moment was as I was drinking my Blue Moon, he asked me what was in a Blue Moon. Like he thought it was a mixed drink! I said “Ummm, well it’s a beer.” He must have felt pretty stupid because he brought that comment up on our second date. Apparently he isn’t a drinker.

For our second date we went to see Slumdog Millionaire on Saturday. (Finally a non-week night date! WooHoo!) The movie was EXCELLENT! This time the hype was right- you should definitely put that movie on your must see list.

As far as the date, I would describe as awkward at best. He even admitted when he called last night, that he thought I was never going to talk to him again after that. It was just weird. There were lots of weird moments and the worst part was we had no plan for after the movie. We ended up going to Starbucks. The conversation was just weird. We seem to be compatible sometimes, and then at other times I’m like “What? Who is this guy?”

But he’s nice and he likes me so we tentatively have something set up for Friday.

It’s been a month on match and the winks etc. have slowed down. I decided to reset my “who’s viewed me count” to zero and update my profile with some new pictures to mix it up a bit.

Overall, I would not say I enjoy internet dating. It is a lot of work. The guys I’ve met haven’t impressed me very much. They all seem very lazy about this whole thing. Maybe I have been spoiled, but I feel like some effort should be put into a date on the guy’s part, other than whipping out his credit card. I want sparks. I want romance. I want to go on a date with someone I know I like.

Oh well, for now I guess I’ll just keep on trucking.

Match.com Mondays Week 4

I am trying to stay positive about this whole dating thing, but you know dating is not really my thing. Sure it can be super exciting when you find someone you really like who likes you back, but up until that point it can be exhausting. It has definitely been an experience though and I’m really glad I am doing it.

Here are the highlights from last week:

- I had a new date on Thursday. We had a communication error (he sent me a text I never got) but we still ended up getting our date in. He drove about 25 minutes out of his way to a bar near my house to meet up at 10 p.m. that night (due to the communication mishap). It was really late for me on a work night and I almost didn’t go, but I figured if he was willing to drive out of his way I should be willing to stay out late. When I walked in the bar, I noticed my best friend’s husband sitting with a friend at the bar and it was kind of comforting to see a familiar face there. It put me at ease joking around with them while my date was getting us drinks. The date went well and I think I like this one. He is the first one I’ve met in person that I could see fitting in with my friends. We have texted since then and he said he wants to do it again soon, but nothing is set-up.

- I have been talking on the phone a lot to “witty-guy”. We have a date set up for Tuesday. He cracks me up and I am excited about meeting him. A little nervous too because from our conversations I think he might have an amazing body. That intimidates me. But we both like talking to each other, so we’ll see how it goes. Ironically he lives like a mile from where I live, so that is convenient for date planning.

- Mr. Teacher, the one who went a week without calling me before. Didn’t call again this week. I called him Monday but didn’t leave a message. I thought he would at least see my # and call me back. No such luck. I liked his southern accent and we seemed to have a lot in common. Oh well, maybe it was a busy week for him.

- I randomly got a voice mail from Canes guy yesterday. I thought he had dropped out of rotation completely! He acknowledged it had been a few weeks but he wanted to get together again and go bowling or something. I haven’t called him back yet. I figure if he can make me wait a few weeks, I can make him wait at least a few days.

I am learning a lot about myself through this process. I think it will improve my conversation and listening skills which will come in handy for career networking and other things. One weird thing I noticed about myself is that I sometimes interrupt people. I notice it every time because I used to think that was so rude. I grew up as an only child so I never had to fight to put in my 2 cents. As I have entered the real world and especially with my big group of friends, I have learned that if you don’t interrupt sometimes, you will never get a word in edgewise. But I hate that this has transferred to one-on-one conversations with potential dates. That is one thing I am really going to try to work on this week.

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for my date with witty guy. Hopefully soon some of these dates will transition to the weekend, because dating during the work week is getting to be exhausting!

Match.com Mondays- Week 3

Not too much happened in Match.com land this week because I left for the mountains Thursday and had no cell service all weekend.

The 2 guys I went on dates with previously did not call me this week, but that is ok because there weren't any sparks for me anyway. I did talk to 3 other guys on the phone this week and I liked them all:

Guy #1 was the guy I said I had talked to last week and liked but he hadn't called me back. I was gald he called back this week!

Guy #2 was the witty guy from week 1 that I said I liked. He was almost just as witty on the phone as he was on email.

Guy #3 was the guy who had a piture with my Ex's best friend's wife. He was really down to earth and I liked him. No, I didn't ask him about the picture.

I told all 3 that I would call them back tonight, but I am exhausted from my trip and have so much to catch up on. I am wondering if I can take a break from dating this week and get away with it. Plus I think I left my favorite pair of jeans in the mountains and I need to find another pair I like just as much before I can have another first date.

I did mark snowboarding off my list this weekend and I'll be sure to write a post about that later this week!

Match.com Mondays- Week 2

I think I am kind of getting the hang of this match.com thing. This week wasn’t as crazy and I didn’t feel as stressed about the whole process. Things are still rolling along. I still get new emails and winks every other day. Some guys are taking it slow and we are still in the email phase. While others have progressed to phone calls or even meeting in person! Here are some of the highlights:

-I had my second date with Canes guy this week. Just coffee after work. He is really cute and we have a good time talking, but I don’t know if there are any sparks. How long do you wait on sparks?

-I had another first date this week. He was nice and the conversation was good. While we were chatting I actually ending up running into a guy I went to high school with. He stopped by our table to say “Hi and wow small world”. Is it sad that I wanted to stay to chat with high school guy rather than leave and give my date a goodnight hug before getting in my car?

-I got an email from a guy this week and when I was looking at his profile, I recognized one of the people in one of his pictures. It was my Ex’s best friend’s wife! It was a group shot and I didn’t recognize any of the other people, but it makes me nervous that he is somehow connected to my Ex.

-I had a long phone chat with one of my favorites last week. I thought things went well, but it has been almost a week with no follow-up call or email or anything :(

-My poor dog is being affected by this dating thing too. He never gets attention because I am always on the computer, on the phone, or on a date. He is also having an effect on my dating life. I feel so guilty for being a bad mom that I have been cutting my dates short so Cam isn’t alone ALL day everyday!

-I have realized I am a little old fashioned. A few guys have given me their phone numbers, but I haven’t called them. I want to email them back and say “here’s my #. Why don’t you call me?” But is that too 5th graderish?

-I do have some tips for the guys on this whole match.com dating thing:

o Post a picture. I won’t even consider you without one.
o Send me a personal message. Mention something you read on my profile in your email to me and I will definitely respond. I don’t want to feel like you copy and pasted the message you sent to the last girl in your email to me. It doesn’t have to be long. Just “what kind of dog do you have?” rather than “You seem nice. Here’s more about me, blah, blah, blah….Email me back if you’re interested.”
o After a couple emails, ask me for my phone number. It’s an easier way to communicate.
o Keep up the communication. Random texts are a great way to stay in touch and keep you at the top of my mind throughout the week. If it goes more than 3-4 days without any communication I start to think you aren’t interested and just give up on you.
o When you ask me out, have a plan. Don’t just day “want to meet up for drinks sometime?” and then make me figure out the details.

-I have no idea what I am doing or if I am doing things wrong. I wish there was a guide for me out there! If you have any tips for me, let me know! It’s already starting to loose its luster a little. Dating is hard. I just want to run into someone as intrigued by me as I am by them, fall in love, and live happily ever after. Is that too much to ask?

Match.com Mondays

I struggled with if I should share my match.com adventures on my blog. I mean it is very entertaining and exciting, but I just didn’t know if it was kosher to have a public record of my dating life that potential suitors could stumble upon and peruse!

But it’s just too good not to share. I am going to censor myself however and only share bits and pieces, but something is better than nothing right?

So here are some fun little teasers for you:

- During the first 2 weeks, I was so overwhelmed with responding to winks and emails, I had to make a spreadsheet of all the guys so I could keep them straight!

- After about a week of emailing, some of the guys started to ask for my phone number. I was so nervous to give it out! Not just because going from emails to phone calls was scary, but because I was still afraid I wouldn’t know who was who.

- I had my first phone call on Wednesday and it wasn’t bad at all. We ended up having a lot in common and talking for almost an hour.

- I had my first date on Thursday! It was very last minute and I had never even talked to this guy on the phone before that night, but he had an extra ticket to the Canes game! How could I pass that up!? I thought it would be super awkward and that I might even get kidnapped or murdered, but it wasn’t bad at all! I had a great time! He called this weekend and we might try to get together this week sometime.

- There is this one guy who is a really good writer (even if it is just email). We haven’t progressed to phone calls yet, but he is so witty and interesting. He is one of my favorites!

- Really, I have a lot of favorites. There are some great guys out there! But I am still nervous about this whole “dating” thing. I have never in my life been “talking” to this many guys. It kind of feels wrong. I wonder if all these guys are “talking” to multiple girls and I am just one of many. I try to keep this in the back of my head and not get my hopes up too much about anyone in particular.

-Some guys I do not respond to at all. If they are way outside my age range or location, have pictures that you can’t tell anything about them because it was taken with his camera phone in his mirror from like 50 feet away, or if he sends me a one line message with something like “You’re cute. Wanna chat?” then they do not get a response from me. They have this “No thanks” option, but I never click it because it feels mean. So I just don’t respond at all.

Well, that is it for now. I will try to update you every Monday with the adventures in Match.com dating for that week. Hopefully “the one” is somewhere in this mix and I can whittle it down to him. In the mean time I guess I will learn a lot about dating and hopefully have a lot of fun!

Oh and check out my review of “The Girls” on my Bookshelf Blog!

Defining Character: Love One Another

One of the most quoted passages from the Bible during wedding ceremonies is this passage from I Corinthians:

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres…

When I heard this passage being read I used to think “Oh that is what it will feel like when I meet the one!” or “This is how you are supposed to treat each other in marriage.”

But this passage is really meant for how we are supposed to treat everyone. I would be happy if just one person could embody all those qualities and treat me like that always, let alone everyone! Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone was always patient, kind, humble, calm, forgiving, honest, trusting, hopeful, and would never give up on you?

I can’t control everyone else’s actions, but I can try to control my own. I do not always treat everyone I meet the way I would want to be treated. Usually it is more like a mirror. I treat them how I perceive them to be treating me. If someone is rude and pushing my buttons it is hard not to be rude and try pushing their buttons. If someone hurts me then I want to hurt them back.

But what if I turn that mirror around and instead reflect to them what is in my heart which is love? And if love is all of these things- patient, kind, humble, calm, forgiving, honest, trusting, hopeful, and persevering- then I should reflect that in the way I treat everyone, not just my significant other.

So I am going to try to stop being afraid of being hurt by other people. I am going to try to be patient and calm. I am going to try to always forgive and persevere. Maybe it will change the way people interact with me. Maybe when I am the one holding up that mirror in front of me, it will be reflected back in other people’s actions towards me. And that would make my little world a much happier place!

First Kiss?

Over at the 20 Something Bloggers, this month’s Carnival theme is firsts. In particular they want to hear about your first kiss. Since I love to write and feel involved, I thought I’d give this a shot…

There was this boy I was friends with before I started school. He lived in the same apartment complex we did when my parents moved to Morganton. I was, oh, around 4 and I think he was about the same age. We were BFFs. In old photo albums I see us all hugged up on each other in little mushroom houses at Smurfland in Carowinds...so I know we were tight. One of the most told stories from my mom about my childhood is about him drinking my Strawberry Shortcake shampoo. I can’t even remember his name. But I have a funny feeling I might have kissed him.

Then there was my childhood husband. I was seriously going to marry this guy when we were in kindergarten. My mom said I told everyone he was going to change the diapers when we had babies. One of my favorite things to do was play dump trucks with him. He was my best little buddy until 4th grade when I moved to public school because I refused to wear a skirt to private school everyday. I don’t know for sure if we got to seal our childhood marriage with a kiss, but it’s a probability.

Throughout elementary and middle school I remember having some classmate boyfriends, but I don’t remember kissing any of them. But that’s not to say it didn’t happen. I just can’t recall.

The first real kiss I do remember was during my freshman year of high school. This was the start to my “bad boy” phase. I had a huge crush on this guy John who was friends with my friends and who ironically lived right up the road from me. He and all his friends were the kind of guys that got in trouble a lot and didn’t do so well in school. But I thought he was so hot and smelled really good.

I remember him coming up to my house to visit me and sitting uncomfortably in my living room with him while my parents were in the next room. I wanted to kiss him then, but it was too awkward.

Then the bad boys convinced us we needed to start sneaking out so we wouldn’t be under parental supervision 24/7. So we did. My friends would come over to my house or I would go over to theirs and we would sneak out and meet the bad boys.

One night we snuck out of my house by climbing out my bedroom window and jumping the fence. We walked down the street to a park to meet the bad boys. I remember sitting at a picnic table at the park in the warm spring night. John had such a great smile and that, along with the excitement of breaking the rules, had my heart fluttering. I remember him smiling and leaning in closer and closer and then it happened- our first kiss. It wasn’t too awkward, but certainly wasn’t the best kiss I’ve ever had. But nevertheless, I was on cloud nine. After that I think he asked me for a real date to the movies. I remember thinking “does this mean he’s my boyfriend now?”

But that date never happened. He abruptly had to move away with his family soon after that. But I still remember his smile and the way he smelled. Boys can smell so freaking good sometimes!

Ironically, I started dating his best friend over the summer that followed. (Why are the bad boys so appealing? I should have just stayed away.) But that’s a story for another time!

Speaking of kisses and great smelling boys, I have some things on my list that will require a boy. Since my social circle has pretty much completely dried up of potential suitors, I have turned to internet dating. (Cue the scary music)

I know. What a loser right? This isn't my first attempt at internet dating. I have heard real life success stories, that have sparked my interest in this phenomenon in the past. I've tried free trials on match.com and eharmony- even signing up for a month long membership on each at one point in time. But I never gave it a real shot. I was picky and ignored pretty much everyone for some reason or another. The ones I did email with never moved past a phone conversation because I eventually would get scared and just ignore them.

But this time will be different. I signed up for a free trial on match.com last week and so far it has gone pretty well. There are actually some interesting guys on there this time. So I'm giving it a real shot.

Need I remind you how much I hate dating?

This should be interesting!

First Love

Tonight I was thinking and since my mind is always the one thing that keeps me from falling asleep I figured I would empty it all out here so I can get a good night's rest. So please excuse me if this post is somewhat random and discombobulated!

People always say you'll never forget your first love. That first love is always the most intense. It makes you feel the highest of highs. Its butterflies and fireworks and tingles and just pure joy. And it will stay with you forever. So what makes this first love so great? I think it is because your heart is fresh and whole and new. You don't have any battle scars because your heart has never been broken. You have no reason not to completely trust them. You have nothing else to compare it to. It is all shiny and new and great!

So how do you capture that "first love" feeling again?

First, I think you have to give time for your heart wounds to heal. The deeper the wound, the more time you need to take to make sure it is not going to rip open and start bleeding all over the place again. If you go right into another relationship without that wound healing, it will rip open again and you will never get over those past wrongs. You'll bring all that hurt with you into the new relationship and blame the new guy for ripping open that fresh wound again, when if you would have taken the time to let it heal, it may have just been a little scratch. A scratch can be forgiven, but when you are hurt and your heart is bleeding you end up losing your mind and usually the relationship.

Second, I think you have to let go of expectations. That is a really hard one. By this point we all have expectations. We have formed this perfect guy in our head. We think the situation going into the relationship has to be just so. He has to behave a certain way. And whether we like to admit it or not, we may even have expectations like "he is probably going to lie or cheat or turn out to be a loser". I think to truly experience that "first love" feeling you have to let go of all that. Let go of all the expectations, fears, and standards and just feel.

You know the feeling. You see them and get a heightening of the senses. You feel all tingly. You want to stare at them (but not). It almost feels like your whole body is smiling and you can't help it. Just thinking of them makes you smile. You think about them at random times and then when you are finally around them you get a little flutter deep in your stomach. It's a great feeling and it can happen at the most random times when you meet the most random people. One thing I wonder: Does this phenomenon stop when you get married? Is your significant other the last person who makes you feel this? Or do you just have to suppress it immediately when you do feel it after you're married?

Finally, I think you have to really believe that you deserve that kind of love. Jenny McCarthy said that on Oprah today, so it isn't my original thought, but it really struck a cord with me. Do I really believe I deserve love like that? Intellectually I know I do, but does my heart believe it? I think I need to work at that one. And when love finally does find me, I need to remember to not have any expectations so I can finally get back that lovin' feelin'!

Thoughts on finding “The One”…

My Dating History so far:

Kindergarten BFF- taught me boys can be fun! (Dump Trucks Rock!)

Rat-tailed 5th grader fling- taught me the stress of Valentine’s Day (I couldn’t take the pressure so I dumped him that day- He was way more into me and I didn’t like that rat tail)

Middle School Boys- where I developed the art of the crush

First High School BF- taught me how embarrassing my dad can be and how a first kiss can give you butterflies (then he moved away)

My First BadBoy- taught me guys are liars and cheaters even if they do act like they love you

First Upperclassman- taught me even cute guys can be big dorks

Band Guy- taught me guys can be really sweet and nice but also can rip a friendship apart (even though it totally isn’t worth it, I shouldn’t have been jealous)

First LOVE- taught me what love really feels like and how much life can hurt

Rebound Guy- taught me how you can kiss other boys and not feel guilty when you just aren’t that into someone (sorry rebound guy)

The LONG timer- taught me a guy can totally get you and be your bestest friend ever but at the same time totally SUCK at being a boyfriend (and that guys can make girls go crazy)

The Work Romance- taught me a guy can be an AMAZING boyfriend but if you don’t “get” each other or “click” it just won’t work

I think I have learned a lot from my past relationships. I just need to find someone who can be my best friend but at the same time not SUCK at being a boyfriend. Someone that gives me butterflies but can also make me laugh until it hurts. Someone that wants to have crazy adventures with me and my friends. Someone I can be silly with but who will also do romantic things to surprise me every once in a while. Kind of a mix between the last 2 guys I dated with a lot of the qualities of my First Love. Why is that so hard to find?


But you know what? I am starting to think there isn’t just one guy out there that would fit this bill. I think a lot of it is about timing and confidence of the 2 parties involved. I mean if he won’t approach me, shake me and say “I like you stupid” then it would probably just pass me by because I am so oblivious. Also, if I don’t get my confidence up it’s never going to happen. I need to quit obsessing, but it is hard when your house is so quiet and you feel so isolated everyday. Plus I have a lot of stuff on my list that requires me to find a guy:
#6- Ask out a crush
#11- Open my heart to someone
#26- Kiss in the rain

(Even #23- Take a dance lesson will probably require a boy!)

Oh the pressure! Or Maybe I am just having a down week…who knows!

This Year's Forcast: Man Drought

Well, this year it has certainly NOT been raining men in my neck of the woods. This is so disappointing because a lot of things on my list require a man in the picture to complete (i.e. #6 ask out a crush, #26 kiss in the rain, #11 open my heart to someone). And speaking of crushes, most anyone that knows me knows that I ALWAYS have a crush. Shockingly enough, right now (probably for the first time in my life) I have no crush. Not even a celebrity crush! I mean Matthew McConaughey is hot, but even he is married (I think) and has a kid now, so what’s the point?

Raleigh is often touted as one of the best places to live for singles. Why!?! Where are all these eligible men? My guesses are they are either A) all in MBA or doctorate programs at the universities around here (maybe it’s time to go back to school?) or B) they are doctors, or lawyers or in some other high powered/high stress position which leaves no time/energy for socializing or C) too young/old for me or D) too shy to approach a girl, and if they are waiting on me to approach them, well they will be waiting a LONG dang time!

I even tried online dating and it is definitely not for me. I am too paranoid about the creepers/stalkers/psycho killers that could potentially be on there, not to mention the losers/ slackers/ crazies/egomaniacs that you would find in normal dating situations. I tried talking to a few guys but I was not feeling it at all and either let them fizzle out or just ignored their calls completely (mean, I know- I’m sorry!). Who knows maybe I am too guarded?

But I am really starting to hate the single life- who am I kidding? I already hate it. I hate not having anyone to help with daily things in life. I hate not having that emotional support to come home to at the end of a bad day. I hate not having someone that I can take to “couple” activities. I hate not having someone to have inside jokes with. I hate the pressure I keep feeling every time I get on invitation that says "Susan and guest". I hate always feeling like the loser single person. I hate even thinking about having to go on an awkward date and going through the whole “getting to know you” process again only to find out that in the end it just won’t work. I hate everyone telling me it is going to happen when I least expect it, enjoy it while you can, blah, blah, blah. (All this coming from people who are already ½ of a happy couple, so really, can they completely understand?)

I have 2 years to find someone that gives me butterflies. Someone that makes me laugh, someone that I can trust, and someone that “gets” me- basically someone that I can open my heart to. He doesn’t per se have to be my future husband (but that would be nice). Just someone I can get to know and hopefully love. I need help. If you know of any single, smart, funny, employed, attractive men, let me know. Also, I love hearing how couples met so I can get ideas of what I can be doing to meet someone. So if you are a part of a happy couple, let me know how you met so I can get some ideas going!