Friday, April 29, 2011


So last night I had a terrible dream. It was one of those dreams that is so real and so scary that you have to force yourself to wake up from it.

I don’t know if I was on a motorcycle or in a car…at first I thought I started out on a regular bicycle…I couldn’t really tell, but it was nighttime and I started flying down this straight 2-lane country road. There were tall trees on either side. I could feel the cool night air and the wind on my face. Then I started going so fast everything around me was a blur and the sound turned into a loud pressure increasing in pitch as I went faster and faster.

All of a sudden it stopped and I was laying on black concrete. There were flashing lights and I couldn’t move. I remember Cam (my dog) being there walking around a few feet away from me and then someone rolled me over and put on one of those neck braces on me and they were carrying me somewhere on a board and I can remember being really worried about not leaving Cam there and if he was ok.

It gets a little blurry after this, but I remember asking them if it was really that bad and no one would answer me and I kept trying to feel my face and I could tell my jaw was broken and deformed and everything was swollen and scraped up. I think I told someone to call my roommate (I don’t even have a roommate). I remember I kept looking for Cam from where I was laying immobilized in some big, dark empty room.

Then I remember my mom walking in and she was upset and started crying as soon as she saw me. I kept seeing flashes of what I looked like to other people- very badly bruised, swollen, scraped, disfigured…and I finally woke myself up.

And then this morning when I was turning out of my neighborhood I almost hit a car that came out of nowhere! Really I did not see it at all before I started to turn...they just laid on their horn as they sped past me as I was making the turn and made an angry gesture out the window. I felt bad but I seriously had no idea where that car came from but I immediately thought about the dream I'd had about the accident last night.

When I got to work I looked up what car crash dreams mean and apparently it means I feel like my aspects of my life out of control and something about the car representing my ambitions. I can see that, but it doesn't make me feel any better about the situation. For now I'm just going to remember to buckle up every time I get in the car.

Do you believe in dream interpretations? What’s the worst dream you’ve ever had?

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Quick catch up

Thank you all so much for your kind comments on my last post.  You guys had some great advice!  I learn so much from my readers.  And all I needed was time and a little perspective and I'm happy to say I'm feeling much better this week!

I think my problem lately has been work is insanely busy and I can never ever get caught up on my to-do list.  Case in point- I just got off a conference call at 11 pm.  That's just not right.  But things will slow down eventually.  I just have to make it through to Memorial Day and then I think things will start to turn around.  But I have noticed I am much more snappy being under all this stress.  I hate it.  I hate being mean and I feel like I am so short and defensive lately at work.  I try to stop myself, but it is like uncontrollable right now.  Sometimes I wish I could just go into a cocoon until all my work is finished so I won't bite anyone's heads off inadvertently.

Ok enough about work....I just finished reading The Help this week and it was FABULOUS!  When I have more time I will do a full review.  I'm going to see Water for Elephants on Friday!  I'm excited and glad to see all of the reviews I've read are positive (lots of bloggers I read saw it opening jealous!). 

Easter was great!  I took some friends to church with me and the sermon was really good.  At lunch we were talking about Easter traditions we had growing up or wanted to start eventually.  I hope I have a family one day because I LOVE traditions!  The only things I can remember from growing up were getting an Easter basket, getting a new dress for church, and going to the Easter egg hunt at the community college in our town.  What are some of your Easter traditions?  I might want to steal them :)

Saturday I have my last 5K for a while.  Even tonight when I was running the air was thick and hot and it is just going to get worse.  Summer in the South is hot and sticky.  Part of me loves running in the summer at night and sweating out the day, but some days it is just too stinking hot!  So no races for me after this one until September or October at least.  I am thinking about doing the Bridge to 10K program though.  I still hate my 5K time, but maybe I should try to increase distance instead of speed for now.  But you know what I was reminded of recently?

It's almost Friday!!  WOOO HOOO!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

It's been a long week

This week has been stressful.  If I could choose a word to describe how I feel at the end of this week it would be: Failure.  I don't know if it is because I put too much pressure on myself, or if I am just not trying hard enough, or if I get stressed out too easily, but a lot of times in my life I just want to hit the pause button and take a break from my life until it gets a little bit better/easier.

I was so busy at work this week that I forgot to submit my time sheet on Monday and didn't get it in until Wednesday, which meant I didn't get paid.  I am so broke.  I finally got my tax refund and paid off the credit card bill my car repairs racked up in January, but today I went to lunch with some friends and my debit card was declined.  It was so embarrassing. Sticking to #5 and paying all my bills on my own at 30 should not be this hard.  So I feel like a failure financially.

This week was crazy at work with a lot of our products selling out and a lot of new launches getting ready to happen, and that would have been stressful enough, but then I had a conflict with a co-worker that I still don't feel is resolved and is weighing heavily on me.  A few weeks ago we had our big end of the quarter/begining of the year meeting and I felt like I was the only one on our team that didn't get any awards.  I tried to hold it in and not let it bother me, but it does.  The stress along with my distaste for the contracting company I work for and their lack of benefits, vacation time, and lying to me about the amount of my raise has made me question marking off #3- get a job I love.  I feel like a failure at work right now.

I still have no prospects in the romance department and I feel old and ugly and past my prime.  I feel like a failure as a former "cute" girl who could turn a few heads back in the day, but no one seems to notice now.

I did run my third 5K last weekend but my time was pretty much the same as the other two 5Ks I have ran.  Every time I have come in at 37 minutes and xx seconds.  I was not feeling good that day and there was a huge hill at the beginning so I kind of gave up early on and walked the hill.  It didn't get much better after that.  I put #7- Run a 5K on my list because I thought I would feel proud and that I accomplished something, but after 3 of them I have yet to feel proud or accomplished after one.  So yeah I feel like a failure physically.

I wish I could take a vacation or something, but I only have 5 paid days off per year (sick + vacation) and I feel like I need to save them for something important.  I wish I had someone to just cuddle on the couch with that could tell me it is going to be okay.

As sad as it is, I wish I could have a cigarette, but that's the one thing I haven't failed at yet.

Ok I am going to try to stop complaining because I'm even making myself sick with all this woe is me crap.

What do you do to pick yourself up from a long day/week/year/life?

Maybe a jog with Cam listening to the words and melody of this appropriate song will soothe my soul a little...

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Wishful Wednesday

I wish I wasn't swamped at work and wouldn't have had to work a 12+ hour day to catch up so that I could've come home and had a run with Cam after work.

I wish I had the money to buy a nice chaise lounge chair for my tiny patio, like this one:

I wish I was going to Bonnaroo!  Have you seen the line up of bands that are going to be there?And it looks like a great adventure!  Maybe I should put it on my next list?

I wish I had the money to buy this dress.  I saw it on another blog today.  Isn't it super cute?

Batik Halter Dress- $98
I wish I had more time to blog!  There are so many things in my head I just want to get out and so many adventures to catch you up on, but it's past midnight already and I'm exhausted!  Here's to wishing for some more free time tomorrow!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Sunday Snippets on Monday

I’m not going to post my sermon notes. It was all about the “hiddenness” of God…how He doesn’t just come down from the sky and tell us “here is the truth and what I want you to do”. If you want to listen to or read the whole sermon, go here.

Really the best line from the sermon this week for me was “Until you’re surrendered, God’s not showing you anything.” 

This is still the hardest thing for me. I like to be in control of my life. But I did want to know where God was at one point in my life. I started to feel like maybe I couldn’t do it on my own. So I went looking for God. I researched other religions because I didn’t want to just believe something because it was all I knew. But after the research I still believed in Jesus. I started trying to find a church. I listened to the sermons and I prayed (not out loud) but I still didn’t really feel full or different that much.

Then I started surrendering and doing things I REALLY didn’t want to do like getting dunked in a tank of water or writing a check for more than $20 to drop in the offering bucket. I wanted to know God and I was finally willing to do things outside my comfort zone because it wasn’t for me this time, it was for Him. I was admitting “Maybe I don’t know it all”, let me try doing it YOUR way.

I stuck it out in a Bible study that made me feel SUPER uncomfortable. I stuck it out volunteering even though I HATED it at one point. I signed up for a mission trip that cost over $3,000 when I couldn’t even afford cable. And all of these things have more than triple paid off. I LOVE my b-study girls! Volunteering and the mission trip both helped the church finally start to feel small. I actually knew people…I was connected…it started feeling like a family (believe me it was at times painful getting to this point).

(Yes, you don’t “earn” your salvation by what you do, but what you do does reflect what’s in your heart. How would everyone truly know what is in your heart without looking at what you do? It’s the easiest way I can illustrate what’s in my heart to you.)

Most importantly though I was finally looking for God because I truly wanted to know HIM and not just what he could do for ME. He fills me with a love and peace I could never find before. It isn’t easy, and I still grip things tightly, and I still ask for things selfishly when I pray sometimes but knowing God and seeing Him everywhere now has been totally worth it.

He still doesn’t make it easy to get to know Him. Have you ever really sat down and read the Bible? Not just the fun parts, but the more boring obscure parts? It can be confusing as crap. I have so many questions every Tuesday for my small group. I want to know what they think a passage means or why it would be that way, or what happened to the dinosaurs…seriously I ask so many questions. And I know we will never have the answers to them all, but I still seek Him. I still read the Bible to find out what I can. That really is the only way to get to know God. Otherwise you are probably just making God in your image instead of the other way around…projecting your feelings, experiences or beliefs into His character and making Him be like you…essentially making yourself god. Only when you give that up…surrender yourself and make Him Lord of your life everyday, truly seek Him to know Him, that’s when He reveals Himself to you.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Book Reviews

Check out the new reviews on my Bookshelf Blog:

#23 Dace Lesson Take Two

First off sorry I have been MIA lately, I've been busy, well...ummm...listening to the live feed and reading the message boards for that Brad Cooper murder trial I told you I was obsessed with.'s a problem...full blown obsession.  I think I am going to have to cut myself off and I hope to write a whole blog post about why later.

So last Thursday I went out with some people from work to celebrate a co-worker's birthday.  We went to The Red Room in downtown Raleigh.  It's a tappas place I had been to once before.  First off, if you go, you must try their mango mojito.  It was SOOO good I had to have three!  The tappas were good too.

But the best part about this experience was they gave a free salsa dancing lesson!  Apparently they do these free salsa lessons every Thursday.

I wasn't going to do it at first.  I am very introverted and self-conscious when it comes to dancing for some reason.  But a guy I work with insisted I go up there and be his partner to learn.  (Don't get any ideas...he's married are most of the guys over 25 in this town.)

It was really fun!  Seriously, I think I want to go back again.

That is one thing I hope my future husband has...the ability to drag me on the dance floor when I don't want to because I am so self-conscious, but it turns in to one of the most unexpectedly fun things ever.  (Ironically the word I wanted to describe 2011 for me was Unexpected!  You can read about that from this post.)

So #23- take a dance lesson, gets a double check mark off the list!

Also #7- run a 5K is about to get a quadruple check off the list this month.  It already has 2 check marks and I am running another one this weekend and a 4th at the end of the month!  I'm thinking about starting a 10K training program after that and maybe doing a half-marathon at some point?  I don't know.  I change my mind daily based on how my runs go.  One day I'll have a terrific run where I feel great and so energized and relaxed from it, and the next I will have a run that makes me want to give up on running for the rest of my life!  Either way, I never thought I'd even be able to finish a 5K and now I'm running 3 miles, 3 times per week!  Who woulda thunk it!?  This list has definitely changed my life :)

Oh, and still no cigarettes!  And I'm off the Nicorette too!  Let's hope I keep it up once Lent is over!