Thursday, October 27, 2011

Defining Character: Guilty

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

I have been wrecked this week.  I burst into tears at random times.  I have been battling my thoughts.  I have no appetite (apparently bone crushing guilt is the only thing that makes me not want to eat.)

One thing I did not address in self-control September that I now know I need to is alcohol.

I don't drink that much.  I might have a few drinks when I go out with friends sometimes, but I don't go out drinking every weekend. 

But because of this, I don't have much of a tolerance. And when an event rolls around and I drink like I did in college it is bad news bears.

Once in college I completely lost an entire night.  I woke up with scrapes on my feet and stories of how I had made out with some guy named Moose the night before.

And it's all funny and something to laugh at when you are 21 (or maybe 19...shhh) but the thing is it's not.

I didn't tell you guys this but a few months ago I woke up on the floor of my boss's bathroom after we went speed-dating, remembering nothing from the night before.  My boss filled me in on some of the details, one of which was that I ended up making out with one of the speed daters (who I ironically never saw or heard from again...until the next time I went speed dating.  That's right I had to sit there for 5 minutes making awkward conversation with this guy I had no recollection of making out with. Talk about awkward!  I will never go speed dating again).

After that night on the floor of my boss's bathroom, I spent the entire next day throwing up.  I was throwing up every 15 minutes until 7 pm when I finally gave in and went to urgent care.

I knew I needed to go to urgent care because this had happened once before a few years ago.  (are you detecting a pattern here?)  At urgent care they gave me a shot of anti-nasea medicine and 2 bags of IV fluid (I think I had 3 bags the first time this happened!)

Anyway, you think this would have been my wake up call right?  I mean who knows what could have happened!  I could have been fired!

And I did slow down on the drinking...for a while.

But fast forward to this weekend.  I don't remember much from Saturday night.  The last thing I remember is watching people play flip cup and talking about tattoos with some friends in the hallway.  Everything else is gone.  And I don't mean that fuzzy gone.  Like it comes back to you once someone starts telling you what happened because TRUST ME I so wish I could know how and why what happened happened.

Sunday morning I woke up on the couch at a friend's house still in my Halloween costume.  After a few minutes of chit chat (in which I'm sure my friend concluded I had no idea what happend) she finally dropped the bomb on me.

Apparently I made out with a married guy and his wife walked in on us.  And these were not strangers, these were friends!

I had always felt safe indulging in alcohol around my friends because I always thought they would stop me from doing anything bad and they would be able to laugh with me the next day at any crazy antics.  And this has always been the case.

Unfortunately it only takes an instant to make a bad decision.  One that will hurt a friend, erode any kind of trustworthiness you had, and have everyone (including yourself) wondering how you could do something like that.

Nothing will ever be the same.  I feel like I have lost my friends.  No one will ever look at me the same way.  I will never look at me the same way. I don't even know if I can face any of them again.  I can barely face myself everyday.

I am someone who I never thought I'd be.  I didn't think I was even capable of something like this.  I never wanted to ever hurt anyone like this, let alone someone I actually like.

I even feel guilty for feeling this bad because I wasn't the one hurt in all this.  I was the hurter. 

I thought "what if that is who I really am?!  the truth comes out when you are drunk."

I thought about Josh (Monday is the 14th anniversary of his death) and how he deserved this life so much more than me.

I thought "what if this is preparing my heart for forgiveness because my future husband is going to cheat on me.

I thought what if this is a sign of how undeserving and unprepared I am for a husband and I will never be.

I mean I can not even tell you where my thoughts have taken me through all of this....

It is one of the biggest internal battles I have ever faced. 

I want to run to God.  I have cried out to Him and asked for forgiveness and I know He forgives me and loves me. But I'm having a really hard time forgiving myself and accepting His forgiveness.

I was afraid to post here because my mom reads this. I asked my friend "what if your daughter grew up and did something like this!?"  And she said "I would love her still, always, unconditionally."  And I know this is true.  Not just for my mom, but also for God.  But still the guilt of how I have shocked everyone and let everyone down is crippling. 

I am one of those hypocritical Christians that ruins Christianity.  I am one of those slutty girls I hate.  I am one of those characters everyone hates in books and movies.

But somehow I know God is bigger than this.  This can be overcome too. 

Someone reminded me of David.  It was one of the most shocking stories in the Bible for me when David sleeps with his neighbor, gets her pregnant, and then has her husband killed.  How could David do something like that!?!  But God still loved him and did great things through his life. 

It's going to take time and a lot of prayer.  I know a lot of things have been permanently damaged through this, but I will not let it destroy my relationship with God. 

And I must learn a lesson from this.  I don't think I am an alcoholic, but I obviously have a problem with self-control when it comes to alcohol. 

I was so sad at the thought of giving it up completely.  I love drinking with my friends and didn't want to lose that (although I probably have anyway). But it is deeper than that too.  I've always known the Bible warns against drunkenness, but I always reasoned it away saying Jesus turned water into wine and it's ok to have fun, it is what he would want for us!  But it is just another example of me wanting my own way, not His.

Then last night I had to go to a party for work.  I got there and saw no one I knew.  I felt so awkward.  I had these drink tickets in my hand and I kept staring at them.  Finally I decided I needed a drink.  I got a light beer even though it was full open bar.  I have learned liquor is not my friend.  I sipped on the beer throughout the night.  All my work friends were trying to get more drink tickets and asking me to go downtown with them (including the upper-ups who I hardly ever get to see and this could have been good bonding time!)  But I resisted.  I told them I couldn't, gave away my extra drink tickets and went home and ran 4 miles (yes, sometimes it helps to literally run from your problems.)

There is so much more to this story and what I have been going through, but I can't share all of it here.  I know it is going to take time to work through this and understand completely why it happened.  For now I am just taking it day by day and wanted to let you know why it may be quiet on this little blog of mine for a while.

Let there be tears for what you have done.
Let there be sorrow and deep grief.
Let there be sadness instead of laughter,
and gloom instead of joy.
Humble yourselves before the Lord,
and He will lift you up in honor.

James 4:9-10